"Did you ever feel anything at all?"
"What do you think? I have no better job than to engage myself in meager things like feelings?"
"Then why......w-why did you act as though you cared?"
"Coz it was fun in the beginning then I grew tired of it. Lo...
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Have you ever come across a song that's so beautiful...everything about it is so soothing..the lyrics, music, visuals..it just paralyses you. The best part is you wanna stay in that daze of music paralysis for a little while. Like you are touching that untouchable, sacred part of the universe for those 2-3 minutes...that amazing music turns itself into pathway to make you see the unimaginable things and just...feel. With time, Sakshi turned into my own personal music. That few minutes I spent watching her felt like they were the only moments I could steal from universe and be someone I never thought I would be. I almost couldn't recognize the person I became in those moments. She was my own personal solace.
I didn't pry for too much information about her either, I was just happy staying in the shadows looking at her. With time, school became tolerable for I learnt how to maintain good grades and put meanies in their place. To be honest, I learnt a lot of things from Sakshi. From the many things I noticed about her, one thing that piqued my interest is that she never took shit from people. Even in that tender age, she always stood up for herself and never let people bully her...even someone thrice her age. Once there was this time when a parent of a certain kid tried to belittle her in front of everyone by not inviting her to her daughter's birthday party. She purposely left out Sakshi and a few other children saying 'you guys don't have the costume needed for the party' and offered sweets instead of the invite. Sometime parents can also be mean and behave in such a childish manner...the lady clearly wanted to show that they weren't rich enough to be invited but my brave brave girl smiled and said, 'I don't like sweets aunty, thanks for offering'. Now this may seem very normal and ordinary to many of you...but what a child goes through when she/he is discriminated in such a tender age is traumatic. I have seen many instances as such when Sakshi always picked her self-respect instead of the need to fit in. As tge already broken child I'm, seeing her handle all this so well made me want to be like her. The beauty of her was, even while telling off people she was incredibly polite.
I understood what courage, determination and happiness with time ...for I saw bits of all of them in her. I became stronger and calmer eventually. With all these developments, I didn't even realize that we had grown up so much...for 3 years had passed.
Things were quite different then..her schedule has changed for obvious reasons. She didn't come out to play as much...but instead she visited the library around her neighborhood. And it should not come as a surprise that I didn't leave her alone there as well. I simply enjoyed being in the same space as her whether she took notice or not.
By this time I was 15, and mind you I still didn't know any personal details of her. I could've asked around ukw, if I wanted I could've gathered such info but I didn't want to do that. It felt as thought I'll be invading her privacy too much, not that I wasn't now by following her...but I just couldn't help it.
The dynamics in school has changed as well. Now most of them didn't see me as an average middle class boy but as an attractive boy. Puberty did do well to me as I grew up to be a decent looking boy with nice features as put by my fellow classmates. Not that I gave a damn because these were the same people who bullied me but saw me in a different limelight just because I looked a certain way now. But the attention I started getting at school was different...letters, blank calls, chocolates, roses left at my study space more and more frequent. Some even had the guts to befriend my little brother to get on my good side.
You can't blame anyone for any of tht though...that age itself is quite confusing and alluring. You start feeling things you haven't felt your whole life and you just don't know how to deal with it. You do anything and everything to get the attention of the person you're attracted to. That's the age when you get introduced into the idea of crushes, feelings and touch. And everybody wants to just embrace it and bask in it. I didn't disregard all the attention I got..but also never encouraged it. When someone gave me say a box of chocolates, I would just smile, take one and politely tell them I'm not interested.
Then came the fateful day of the competition. Since our school was on the outskirts of the town, me and my asshole friends were required to accompany our school participants. The participants were all a year below our class so we had to escort them to the venue. The last thing on my mind was to come face to face with her. I was almost bored by the pace at which the competition was going on. And when our school chic got on the stage and performed, I was sincerely impressed by her performance. I wasn't really expecting that since my school barely encouraged co-curricular activities. Now I was sure she'll win a place since all other participants were not up to her level.
That's when I caught someone walking up that stage. Her back was to my front so I couldn't really see ....but barely in 10 seconds my heart was in my throat as I recognized who she was. I had never seen her in her plaits...whenever I saw her she had her hair in a pony. The moment she started singing I was lost! Merserised would be a better word. My own personal music was actually a music goddess...I don't give a fuck if I was exaggerating for I felt like she can put me to sleep by her voice. Folk songs require a certain tone of voice to make the song feel more real and she did it so gracefully..and it wasn't just me who was mesmerized. I gathered that my friends had their jaws dropped. My chest filled with warmness realizing I have known her for years...in a way they will never know. This crazy sense of possessiveness filled me wanting to tell them off saying she's my girl. But was she? Hell my friends didn't even comment anything and here I'm thinking of ways to tell them off!
This new side of me baffled me...yet again this girl never fails to bring out new shades in me. But a sudden thought struck my mind..what was I feeling? Is it even right to feel this way? To feel this intensely for someone who doesn't even know about my existence? And I was bloddy 15 then. It wasn't just some hormonal changed making me feel attracted to her just because of my teen age....I knew even then that this was different. All my friends who had girlfriends enjoyed the feeling of calling someone their girlfriend..but what I felt for Sakshi was way too different. I wanted to call her mine and keep her with me ...forever.
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks in the middle of the competition. She had finished her singing and gotten back to her place. But my mind was filled with so many questions. I know I was obsessed with her all these years but I never tried to give a name to that feeling...hell I never even tried to figure out my obsession as to why. I though I was pretty content watching her from afar...but now I wanted more. And I had no idea what that more was.
*I know the story is halted because of Randhir's pov but his feelings need to be addressed thoroughly as to understand what kind of person he is. Bear with him🙈
