Face To Face With The Devil

Chapter 11

Today was the day, last night I decided that I would go see my mom's grave for the first time, I have to say a proper goodbye, I owe her that much.

I've held this off since her funeral, I've felt so ashamed about it but I just didn't want to face the fact that my mom is gone, she's not here anymore and as much as it hurts no amount of pain is going to bring her back.

It was time to face everything I've tried to run from.

I skipped school knowing that I wouldn't have to energy to fake smile showing everyone that I was ok when I was far from it.

Vi and Beca both texted me asking me if I was ok and I told them I had a cold, I would have to remember to fake cough when I see them next time.

Alex called and so did TJ but I asked Vi to explain to them why I wasn't going to school.

I liked that they cared but I didn't like that some part of me wanted to tell them the truth, I was so tired of keeping up with my lies, they would eventually all fall back on me sooner or later, it was a given.

Pulling into the parking lot I grabbed the flowers and walked over to her headstone. Tears threatened to fall but never did, I didn't deserve to cry I deserved to dwell on this pain for the rest of my life because I caused it all, it's all my fucking fault.

"Hey mamma, it's me Faith." I looked up at the sky closing my eyes trying to regain my lost composer. When I opened them back again I took a deep breath and looked down at my mother's name on the stone.

"I'm so sorry mamma."

I choked out a sob as the words came out, it hurt to be standing here over the one person who I thought would never leave me after everything, 

"I'm sorry I never came to say goodbye, I'm sorry I failed you, I'm so sorry that I've been the way I am, ever since Ally's death I have had this hatred against the world and I guess I took it out on you."

I put down the flowers and sat facing the stone that read when her life ended. The grass was cold against my legs but it helped ground me, keeping me conscious of what I was doing.

"I have so much regret and pain from the years and it was building up inside of me and when you tried to care for me as mothers do I took it out on you, I have always felt like this is my fault and I'm glad because as much as I deserve this pain it's also the only way I'm connected to you. But it hurts, really badly. I don't think I can keep doing this but I also know that if I left dad would have no one in this cruel world and I can't do that to him."

"Mamma it hurts, it hurts."

No tears were coming down my face instead there were the most painful heartbreaking sobs and I couldn't control them, all this pent up pain and anger was coming out but in the mist of all of it I felt safe even though she was gone I could feel her around me, she was like this safety blanket and I knew that I still have her even after everything I've done, I still have my Mom.

I hate when I let myself cry, I hated the feeling of being weak even if no one was there to see.

"I know that after everything I probably deserve more suffering than I'm getting but Mamma it hurts, please make it go away, make it go away, I can't fucking do this anymore, Mamma I need you."

My breaths were uneven and my hands were shaking, itching to hold onto my mom.

"Why aren't you here?" I shut my eyes tightly and clenched my hands into fists trying to do anything to take away from the pain my body was feeling.

"You said you would never leave my side after everything." I wanted my heart to stop beating, I wanted to stop breathing, I wanted to leave this world leaving the pain behind.