Face To Face With The Devil

Chapter 19

TW: Self harm and Suicidal thoughts

I woke up late this morning and for the rest of the day, I stayed in bed looking up at the ceiling feeling worthless.

I only got up to go on a run because I knew if I didn't work out I would hate myself, after my run I took a quick shower and went into my room to change.

My mind wanders as I stared off, The poor girl was hurting as she looked in the mirror seeing where her thighs touched, where her fat was gathering too much in one spot,

her hair that used to fly with the wind was now flat and unappealing, her eyes that are supposed to show life instead they showed nothing,

this darkness consumed her and she was drowning.

The girl would go home every day and hate herself not because of someone but because every day the darkness would tell her that she was worthless and she listened to that darkness.

She used to have everything and now she has nothing.

I looked up and saw the girl looking back at me, she was lifeless she was so done with the world, it was slowly killing her,

all she wanted was to be good at one thing, have one thing that she can call her own but she had nothing except for the darkness inside of her.

I tore my eyes away from the mirror and brought myself back down to earth.

The reflection was taunting me, Sometimes I hate myself so much I get inside my head too much making myself relive the worst days of my existence.

I hate everything about me and sometimes it gets so bad that all I want to do is feel something all I want is to make myself feel human and then the next thing I see my hands are covered in blood and then I feel something.

The colour red dripping off my arms showing me the pain I should feel, but there was nothing.

I wanted my Momma she always knew what to do when I did this, the colour red was all over my arms, I always liked the colour red it showed danger and fear.

I was afraid of myself right now and that made me happy, everyone else is afraid of me so why can't I fear myself.

My mind was frozen, nothing I was doing was registering with my mind, my mind and body were disconnected.

I wanted to be good enough, I wanted to show my dad that I can be human, I wanted to show my friends that I care, I wanted my mom.

I wanted to leave my life.

I wish I could restart everything, leave this life and never come back because maybe that would make some of the pain go away.

I felt myself being pulled back down to earth, I was registering where I was, it was where my mom was, like a corpse I walked by memory to where her headstone lay showing me all I had left of her.

"Hey mamma."

I sat down and played with a blade of grass, the bleeding had stopped but the cuts were still open and raw, it was a consistent reminder of how bad I lost myself to the darkness just minutes ago.

My voice was shaking with fear and I closed my eyes tightly trying to regain control over my body. "I um, I did it again, I know I told you I never would but ever since I said that I've done it two more times."

I thought that admitting it would release some of the pain but it just felt like another cut, a cut to remind me of what I'm capable of when I'm in my thoughts.

"Mamma, I need you, really badly." I was starting to hyperventilate "I wanted to feel something, anything,"

I couldn't breathe, "I promised Ally I would never do this, I'm a bad person I know but what did I ever do to deserve this? I can't feel anything Mamma so why does it feel like I'm fading from myself?"