The Voice Or The Echo? (COMPLETE)

Chapter 16

Padmini's POV

Who am I?

As I analyze, all that crops into my head are the opinions of others which I have accepted and internalized to such an extent that I'm not able to think beyond their description of me. In other words, I have held onto the tags that were given to me, dearly all through my life believing them to be my identity.

I have always sought acceptance from people around me, we all do; from family, loved ones, friends, peer groups, colleagues, society, community everywhere. We seek acceptance and validation and that's basic human nature seeking acknowledgment.

Trying to fit in, so desperately we are ready to please people who matter to us. We turn, bend, flex ourselves, to fit in with the society that we live in, this is adjustment or accommodation, which almost all of us have to do to sail smoothly in life. In a relationship adjustment, love, and forgiveness all need to be mutual. And when it is not, there is a lot of hurt and resentment.

There is this undeniable need to feel accepted, validated, and to belong with someone or somewhere. When this need 'to fit in or be accepted' gets excess or when we let these urges overpower us, we are lost. Our true self or soul, our identity or uniqueness is lost.

Unaware of this, I kept changing myself to suit their expectations, to fit in or be accepted by my new family, constantly. Especially my husband, since I was eternally struggling to gain his love and attention. And at times when I couldn't achieve what he expected out of me, I was once again ridiculed, rejected, and abused which hurt me.

The labels that were given to me by certain people in particular circumstances based on their mental and emotional disposition at that given singular moment, stayed on with me. I picked them up and glued them on my being and kept reinforcing whatever that label said. I just kept limiting myself to that particular experience or incident; believed and reinstated them to myself repeatedly. Nobody taught me otherwise. 

I did try talking to Chandra letting him know that it hurt, the way he was treating me. That all of his opinions and ideas, it's not the truth of who I am. I deny his opinion and try to convince him to see who I'm, accept me for the actual me. He refused to even hear what I have to say because the judgment had already been made.

Internally, I'm in conflict, torn between accepting my fate and trying to break free. I was also not living my life to the fullest or best of my capabilities. I was constantly going around in this circle that, I forgot that there are other aspects to life too. Unexplored talents, skills, or aspects of me that I was hesitant to explore because I refuse to get out of this pit. I'm pushing, fighting, and knocking down these walls around me when in reality there aren't any walls.

I need to acknowledge that I have been hurt, humiliated, and traumatized due to certain people or incidents and they have scarred me. I need to let go of the hurt, pain, memory, and trauma that these experiences have caused me. Instead, I gave them a living space in my soul due to which I have turned into a shell nurturing those depressing aches.

I expected others to accept, love, care, and believe me when I don't do that to myself. What kind of example was I setting for them?

'The urge or need to belong to someone or someplace; makes me cling to something constantly' I remember telling to Sakshi.

'Instead of trying to fit into a place or in someone's life, if you could identify yourself that you belong to the nature or creation out there, there are fewer chances of rejection or pain' words of Sakshi, my therapist. Still figuring out how to achieve this.