The Voice Or The Echo? (COMPLETE)

Chapter 23

Text in italics - Padmini's thoughts

The last time I decided to face my truth; to admit that I was a victim of domestic violence, to open up about them to someone it was like walking into a garbage dump. I had to sift through piles and piles of incidents and the emotions associated with them and land up getting frustrated and feeling weak and worthless.

One memory of abuse lead to the memory of another, so on and so forth; it was like holding the end of the unravelled yarn, that was just a tangled mess.

Before I could ponder on one and process its impact and the emotions it set in motion; the memory of another overpowered me, then another, then another, like huge tsunami waves crashing inside leaving me devastated.

It came down clamouring in my head, setting off endless heartache and self-hatred; and in the end, I was just an emotional hand grenade. The more I spoke about it the more it hurt, it felt like my organs were being ripped off of my body while I was conscious. Sakshi, my therapist said that it would hurt more than it originally hurt when the actual abuse happened, but that was the only path available for healing. Revisiting and addressing every emotion I had denied myself to feel, except humiliation, which he wanted me to feel.

"You are a brave woman, do you realise that?"

We were trying to get out of the airport and back into the city.

"Yes, if the definition of brave has been changed overnight in all languages, I'm one indeed".

A bitter pang stabs my chest, as I realise how rude I sounded. He is annoying me so much and making me do things that I never realised I was capable of. Sometimes he makes me so angry that I want to slap him. I'm surprised at how much liberty I take in being very expressive with him.

"I'm a simpleton but not an imbecile hope you know that."

I snap at him. I was trying to be defensive, trying hard to show that I was not affected by my past and he was hell-bent on tearing me down and making me cry.

His face doesn't show any emotion so I can't decipher if he was being sarcastic or genuine. I was furious but was holding myself back.

"See, this is why you should have continued your education or at least learnt to talk back so that you won't be running out of words to curse me".

He sounded amused, I glance at him but his face is hardened like steel not showing any emotion and very conveniently hiding behind those stupid sunglasses.

He can be more annoying than Chandra... no scratch that.. he is THE MOST ANNOYING MAN on the planet. I huff to myself. I also realise that he is right, but why would I concede to that and make him gloat? My eyes sting and my chest feels like it's going to explode, but masking all of these has been my game and I'm successful in it too.

"If I was brave enough I would have ended the relationship long back or at least done something about it, fought with him or something. I couldn't even question him. What sort of bravery is that?"

A defeated sigh escapes me while I furiously turn away to blink off the tears that are ready to slip.

"So according to you bravery or courage means only to pick up a fight with somebody? Or run away?" He bobs his head and drums his fingers against the steering wheel.

I have to come to hate that challenging tone of his and how he pushes me to the brink until I break down and acknowledge defeat and face my worst fears and nightmares and I also hate to admit that it works. I glance at the raindrops that slide down the windshield of the car like the unshed tears stinging my eyes.