Always Been You

Puzzle Pieces

                                                                                       August

Rebecca, Nia, and I have been trying to make plans, but our schedules have been so out of sync the past two weeks. Finally today, we're having a girls' night at Rebecca's house. Potluck style. So I made a seven-layer dip. Rebecca is making quesadillas/tacos, and Nia made custard.

Nia and I patiently wait for Rebecca to finish cooking in the dining area. Nia. We kept making corny jokes from high school to pass the time; Rebecca couldn't be less amused. She stresses herself out when she hosts, which is why we didn't want her to. But she insisted. "This looks so good," Nia looks down at the hot plate that was just placed in front of her. I nod my head in agreement. I take a bite and instantly feel content. The cheese was oozing out of the tortilla. Just how I like it. "I'm actually more excited to dig into dessert. I've been wanting something sweet all day," Rebecca says. As we start discussing our favorite desserts, my phone vibrates against the glass table. It catches all of us off guard. I laugh until I see the caller ID. Drew was FaceTiming me. I press the home button twice and slip the phone into my pocket.

Rebecca and Nia both look at each other, and then silently continue eating their food. "What?" I question their behavior. "Everything okay with you?" she asks. I didn't know how to answer that. I had two options. Either lie to them, or spiral into the deep void present in my heart. "I'm okay! Just been stressed, you guys know how it is." I change the topic and switch the conversation about them. I simply can't talk about myself tonight. Because I really don't know what's going on.

It's been more than three weeks since I visited Drew in Indiana. A trip I thought would bring us closer together and ultimately prove long-distance was just a little obstacle for us. But I've never been more confused in my life. I've immersed myself in work and my family so much because I didn't want to cry anymore. I swear the week I came back I would just break out crying randomly because I felt so lost. I feel like I didn't get to enjoy the 'honeymoon phase' of our relationship at all.

I've been giving him some extra space and also taking some away as well. Both of us got busy with ourselves and then the conversations were just naturally shorter. I've been making excuses for when he wants to talk at night. But most of the time I am mentally exhausted. And I'm afraid he'll say something to trigger my emotions and make it worse. Right now, I think I need to figure out what I'm doing and what I want and let him do the same.

The three of us had a really fun night catching up and just being young girls again. I've gotten really good at shutting off my feelings when I want. I know my friends are here for me, but talking about it may just make my feelings feel too real for my own good. Although, I do plan on working on giving people more of my attention.

I've been working on a high-profile project at work since last week, and it's been pretty exciting. Although my role isn't that big, it's still great to be part of the team. My mentor, Alison Bishop, has taught me so much and I have a lot of respect for her. Anytime I've felt discouraged, she's also the first person to remind me to keep going. Just like me, she started off through an internship five years ago. And she's been here ever since. For now, she has me working on sorting and labeling clips.

"Girl, you are taking the organization to a whole other level," she says looking over at my screen. I smile at her. "This is honestly the only thing I would like to think about at the moment. Everything else is just too," my thoughts trail off. She raises her left brow. "What's going on Kapoor?" She takes a seat in front of me and crosses her arms. "I've noticed you've been picking up extra work just for fun. What's going on with you?" As I looked at her, I seriously contemplated whether or not I should tell her. I mean, she could give me an unbiased opinion.