It's Okay

Chapter 1

"Asahi! You can't just run away!" I yelled at him but he didn't want to listen to me. I tried everything to make him stay but he just didn't want to. What did I do wrong? It was my fault we lost that game, not his! I should have just helped him better! I don't want him to go because of my mistakes. I don't want him to go...

But he did. And I got banned from training for 2 months. That's so stupid! They can't tell me not to play volleyball! But I definitely won't stop, I can't just not train for 2 entire months. So I'll just ask the women of my neighborhood.

Today I went to school like normally and I was with Ryu the whole time. But something felt weird. I'm sure it was, that I can't go to training. Yea, I mean that makes sense, I love volleyball. But I'll go to the women today, they said it's okay that I play with them. They don't have a libero anyway. But the training wasn't fun at all. I actually hated it. Normally I love volleyball and even the training is fun. Is it because of the women? I mean yea, they don't play as good as our team but they are not that bad that I can say it's because of them. I probably just miss playing with the team. And with Asahi...

As I come home I go quickly to bed, I'm not even hungry. I know I should eat but I can't. I won't die from just one day not eating. I think maybe I am ill or something like that. Yea that's probably it. Should I stay at home tomorrow? That would be smart to do when I don't feel good. But... Something in my body screams not to stay at home. I can't tell what it is, but it feels like I'll die if I stay at home tomorrow.

I feel so stupid right now. Why did it have to end like this? I lost that game, I ruined volleyball for Asahi! He probably hates it now! Because of me. I promise I'll get better, then you can hit the ball without fear, then you can win against dateco! Well if you agree to play again...

I can't sleep the whole night, something keeps me awake. But I can't tell what it is. Something doesn't feel right. What is happening right now. The only thing I can think about is Asahi. Why did he have to stop playing? I know he's sensible and all but... I just don't want him to give up, I want to play more with him.

I looked up to my wall where a picture of karasuno was. I remember that day. It was right before we lost a game. Of course we were sad then but we all wanted to get better. And then we lost against dateko... And now he hates volleyball. A single tear rolled down my eyes and landed in my mouth. Why am I crying? I'm not weak! I know crying is not weak if someone does it, everyone but me. I can't show negative emotions. Last time it didn't turn out well. I looked at my stomach now and more tears fell down while I analyzed the scars on there.

Back then I didn't feel well, obviously. I saw no reason to keep living. Then I came to the volleyball club and all of them helped me so much, even when they don't know it. They made me stay a little longer. And I even stopped cutting then. No one of the team ever saw my scars, not even Ryu. And I would show him my dick so that means something.

I carefully touched my scars and it felt so good but so bad. I don't hate my scars. They are a part of me. A part I can never show anyone. But it's not that much that it was serious right? I kind of like the feeling of touching my scars, but it often hurts. Not the skin or anything, more like the reason I did it. But it was all okay. I mean I stopped. I did start again sometimes, but it was easy to stop again. So I didn't really care.

I remember that it made so much things better. Should I? I mean it's not that big of a deal right? It's not like I'm gonna die from it. But I shouldn't, I should sleep. If I can't sleep I can still do it. So I close my eyes and after some time I finnaly slowly fall asleep.