It's Okay

Chapter 10

It was after school. I went home. To my parents. Who were arguing again. As I opened the door I could already hear them. I didn't even know what it was about this time. But I got inside and made both of them aware that I'm here. And then they stopped fighting each other. Now they were yelling at me.

It was okay, I didn't want them to fight. I was their son so it was my job to make them stop, to give them a peaceful life. And if it meant they would yell at me that's okay. It was my job. That's what I was here for.

So I always felt bad when I spent the weekend at my grandpa. Because I knew if both of them were home they would fight again. They just couldn't live together on their own. They needed a third person to keep them from fighting each other. That's why they had a child in the first place, right?

Mother: "Why do you never get good grades?? I didn't raise you like this!"

Father: "Maybe we should make you stop playing volleyball so you focus on your school"

No please, everything but that

They usually yelled about my bad grades. Sometimes they also commented how I didn't see them that often because of my practice. And they always threatened me with having to quit. But I knew they only did it for my own good.

They continued to yell at me for some time and eventually calmed down. Then I went to my room. I honestly didn't have any motivation to do literally anything. So I just lied down in bed, didn't even pull my phone out. Soon was weekend. That means I had to go to the party. Didn't really want to go but he made it to cheer me up. He's a good friend. I'm so lucky to have him. But I didn't tell him everything about what was going on inside me lately. I should do that. If I actually have a crush on Asahi he should be the first person to know right?

Actually I think I did have a crush But I was scared. Ever since I saw him today I've been feeling even more horrible than I already did. My heart just hurt so bad. It even kind of physically hurts. I feel like I'm missing something. Him. So I guess that means the crush thing was true. And honestly the imagination of kissing and cuddling him wasn't too bad...

But I was so scared. Being gay would change everything. Would Ryu look at me the same? Would my parents accept me? My grandpa? The team? Asahi? What if they all turned against me? Is that worth it? Maybe... But I knew Ryu wouldn't turn against me. And I strongly believed the team wouldn't either. But what about my parents. Or my grandpa. I don't want anything to change. But at the same time I want everything to change. I can't take it anymore.

I just lied there, for a few hours. Didn't even eat. I didn't eat anything yesterday either. That was no good. I couldn't let that win, I had to eat. I had to, to play volleyball. I knew if I stopped I could forget about my favorite hobby. So I just had to eat. At least sometimes. But at he same time I really didn't feel like eating. So I didn't eat much. And I wanted to suffer, physically. I wanted to faint from starving. Maybe he then comes back.

I can't listen to that thoughts though, I knew that. But it was so hard fighting them. Everything was so exhausting. Maybe I should get drunk. People feel better when drunk right? And the perfect opportunity was the party. Ryu would take care of me, right?

I should sleep right? I closed my eyes and hoped to drift away soon. And as I waited I got this pictures in my head, again. I would faint while practicing. And then everyone was worried, especially Asahi. He would come and visit me in the hospital, as they took me in and told me I had to quit volleyball. And then there was no one. I returned to the practice and everyone was there, except for Asahi. They told me he left. And I had to leave too. Asahi left because of me, again. And I had to leave too, again. And the others didn't let me return. As I talked to Asahi he said he hated volleyball, because of me. He would never return. He would leave me too. Forever.

Then I woke up. Fuck. This dream again? I've had it quite a few times now. And it still made me wake up crying and sweating. I had to catch my breathe as it got faster by just thinking about the dream. It took me a while, but as I got it under control I slowly started to fall asleep again. Hopefully having a better dream this time.