It's Okay

Chapter 21

The next day I hid in here, to make sure no one would come here. There were no houses around and I didn't see any people come here. All day. And there was a wood very close.

The rest of the day I spent thinking a lot. It had been 24 hours now. Was anyone looking for me yet? I didn't think so honestly. But maybe some day.

But I couldn't let that happen. I could never go back. I imagined Ryu laughing with other people. They played volleyball together. He even got close to this other person.

And I thought my parents would either ignore I wasn't there or yell at anyone. I already knew they'd fight again. But they'd stop soon. I'd make sure they'd be happy soon.

I had to die. I had to kill myself. I knew it. But when? Should I tell anyone that I was gonna be dead? They couldn't find me that fast anyway. But if I did that they would maybe blame themselves. I can't let that happen.

How would I do it? I didn't have much with me. I did have some money so I could buy something...

I then thought and planned that the whole time until late at night. Honestly I didn't know how late it was but definitely past midnight. At some point I even fell asleep.

And when I woke up it rained. Seriously now? Of course the roof was not waterproof. Everywhere were holes. And out of them water dropped down. Right on my face. It was now morning anyway so I could just get up. I could prepare everything for the plan I made last night.

So I got up and counted the last bit of money I had left. It was not very much. But I tried it anyway because I had no better idea.

So I went to the pharmacy. The woman that worked there looked pretty concerned, since I probably looked like shit. But I tried my best to make her believe I was sick and needed some painkillers.

She at first didn't want to but I eventually convinced her. Now I really had no money left. And also no food. I didn't need it anymore anyway.

On my way back to the playground I saw some kids doing their homework. Well actually one of them was copying the other one. But I had nothing to do with that. I actually often did that too. But I guess not anymore.

I asked them if they had a piece of paper and a pencil for me. They at first looked at me with a weird expression too but then I said I forgot to do my school bag.

They then laughed and gave me what I needed. I quickly wrote some sentences. Didn't even think about it, just wrote what I felt. After I was done I gave them their pen back and went away.

I looked at the note in my hands. What was I doing? Was I really just about to...

I had to.

I went back to the playground. Still no one there. I was doing it. But not now. Tonight.

I was shaking. I was so scared. Something inside of me screamed to not do it. But that was just the fear. I had to get over it.

I spent the rest of the day imagining what the others reactions would be. I knew my friends wouldn't be happy but they'd get over it. And asahi might not even notice, concidering he was avoiding me anyway.

Did they even notice I was gone? I mean I've been away for 3 whole days. Would anyone ever come look for me? If so they would only find my dead body.

It was slowly getting dark. Still didn't do it. I knew I was just trying to get time but I knew that time wouldn't help me. I couldn't talk to anyone anyways so why hesitate?

TW!

As it was nearly pitch black I decided to go through it. I had to.

I slowly opened the box and took one pill. I tried not to use water since I didn't have much left. But after I took some I couldn't swallow anymore so I did drink water.

With my last sip of water I finished the box and also my life. There was no turning back now. I was gonna die.

I was shaking so much that I couldn't even pull out the piece of paper I wrote my last words on. It wasn't exactly a letter but it'd do it.

I tried to sleep. I've wanted to pass away in my sleep, not when I was awake. Because I was scared. I was hoping if I was asleep I wouldn't feel it.

But I couldn't sleep very fast. I was just so scared of what was about to happen. In some time I would just not exist anymore.

After what took forever I finally fell asleep. Maybe it was also just the pills starting to kick in that made me sleep. Either way I wouldn't feel pain now, right?

Everything was over.

I was free.

Im sorry Ryu... I'm sorry asahi...

I will forever love you.