It's Okay

Chapter 20

It only worked out one week.

Because then I couldn't take it anymore and just run away. I didn't think. My brain just didn't work. I just had to escape.

Ryu has noticed by now that something was off and i told him about not being able to go out and having to give my phone away. He told me to talk to my grandpa about it, but i didn't want to bother him with it. So I just tried to take it. But it got to much.

After packing some of my stuff into the bag I normally use for practice. I only took some clothes and some food. Nothing I could survive with pretty long. But I would have to find a solution. On my way out I grabbed my phone and a charger.

Then I went to "school". I saw either my mom or my dad every morning now. I guess they woke up now to make sure I wouldn't do something gay.

I eventually got into a train in the opposite direction as my school and didn't get out until the very last station. And then I did it again. I had no clue where I was going.

Where should I go? Maybe I could just die out here? No one would know I was here? Where even was I?

It didn't matter at first. I just went to a random park. It was kinda cool here. But cold. It was nearly winter. I took out one of the blankets I bought. It was pretty thin so it would fit into my bag, but it had to do it for now.

What should I do? Why did I even run away, it doesn't ake sense? They'll find me anyway. If my parents even notice I am gone. Maybe they'll think I went to Ryu or to a random box since they think I'm a slut.

But sooner or later the school would notice, right? Or Ryu. So the police will look for me eventually, only a matter of time. And if they have a picture of me they'll find me right away, since my hair is not exactly common.

I knew they'd find me. So why would I run away in the first place? I could already hear my parents shout at me. How I would ran away for a boy or something like that.

Why don't they get it...

I sat at a bench and took out some of the food I bought. It wasn't much since i didn't have much place in my bag, but I wasn't really hungry anyway.

I ate some and after I was done I got up again and looked for a better place to spend the night, since it was slowly getting late.

After some time that felt like forever I found an old, broken playground. Not gonna lie it was kinda creepy here and i could already see me getting killed. But would that be too bad?

I lied down underneath a cheap playhouse. I don't think you could even call it that. But it had a roof so the rain wouldn't get to me. It still was way to cold here.

I couldn't sleep at all. All those sounds kept me awake. I was supposed to be brave. Yet I was here, running away because I was scared and weak and even being to weak to sleep outside.

I knew I had no other choice anymore. I couldn't go back. They'd think I did it for attention or to sleep around. Why did they change so suddenly? Wasn't I still the same? I knew they weren't exactly accepting but honestly I thought they'd at least try for their son.

Maybe the didn't love me. Maybe I didn't deserve their love. They were right after all. They only had me to keep them from fighting. And it worked, because they always yelled at me instead.

Would they stop fighting if I was dead? Would they be sad? Would it even make a difference?

Honestly I couldn't really see a reason to keep living. My life was hell right now. And even for complaining I deserved death.

I wouldn't accept being a failure because I was gay. Because there was nothing wrong with that. But they were right that I was a failure.

I should just die.

I would do a favor to everyone around me.

I knew Ryu would be sad, maybe my class too. My parents would be sad, right? But maybe they would stop fighting then. And even Ryu would be better off without me. I knew he would say something else now but it was best for him. He'll get over it. Some day.