It's Okay

Chapter 16

The next morning I woke up. I felt nothing but yet so much. I did not eat a single thing yesterday. I didn't care at the moment. I didn't want to eat. i didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to school. i didn't want to be healthy and fix my problems. I didn't care.

I only went to the toiled and directly went into bed after that. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. My head was full of all those thoughts.

Just shut up!

Some single tears escaped my eyes. I didn't cry. The tears just rolled down my cheeks. Pa wanted to wake me up and call me for breakfast but i wasn't hungry. I just continued to lie in bed. The whole day. It was the same as yesterday. I still felt like shit. Not from the alcohol anymore. My brain was just so fucked up.

Pa tried to get me to get up and eat a few times throughout the day, but i never did. And i went back to sleep until the sun was back already. Another day. I didn't care. I still didn't want to want to get out of bed or even eat.

Fuck this. I will just starve to death.

But Pa had other ideas. He was pretty worried about me. I knew that. I felt so bad. But I just...

"What happened? At that party?"

What? He didn't know, did he? What if he saw those pictures? That wasn't possible, right?

"I know that you're going through something right now, but i can't help you if you don't talk to me. And if you keep on not eating I will have to get you hospitalized. You know what that means, right? I didn't tell your parents about the party, i told them you weren't feeling good and stayed here for a few days. But this can't go on forever. I think you know that already."

I opened my mouth, to say anything. But no words left my lips. I closed my mouth again and thought about what i wanted to tell him. Should i tell him the truth? The whole truth?

"I will get you some hot chocolate while you think about it okay?"

I nodded and he left the room. And I continued to think about what I should tell him. A lie. But what lie? Ryu and I fought? About what? A girl.

I had to.

A little while after he came back with the hot chocolate. He knew it always made me feel better. So I first drank a little and then started explaining.

"Ryu and I kinda argued"

"About what?"

"A girl."

It didn't feel right to say. Of course it was not right, it was a lie. But still, lying to him didn't feel good. He stayed quiet for some time.

"You know you can tell me everything right?"

This was it. This was the last drop. Suddenly my eyes went all teary and before I noticed i was crying. "Pa" I tried to say something, but the whole crying made it impossible. So I just continued crying, while he hugged me and rubbed my back, like he used to when i was young.

When i finally calmed down I tried again. This time I said with a shaky and quiet voice "We kissed.". And before I could explain the whole situation I struggled to not start crying again. So I took my time to calm my voice a bit. And he waited for me to continue.

"It was at the party. He threw it to cheer me up and we played games and ended up having to kiss."

"So where is this a problem?" he was slightly confused. He was right. Normally it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. i just kissed my bro because of a game. But

"I know it was just a kiss. But I didn't tell him the truth. I didn't tell you the truth either. That's why everyone might end up hating me"

Of course those stupid tears would came back. But I couldn't stop now. Okay, I can do this. Deep breaths.

"I'm gay"

Say something.

Anything.

Please