It's Okay

Chapter 4

As I walked home I was thinking again. I don't even know about what, but I also can't remember how I walked. And before I could even realize I stood in front of our door. I took a deep breath in and then opened the door. I didn't even know why I did this, there was nothing to be scared of or anything. I think it was just kinda, I don't know, hard to breathe?

As I entered the room I made sure to say hello to my mom. She greeted me back and then I put my school stuff away. I was so hungry, I didn't really eat much yesterday. My stomach hurt and I hated the feeling of throwing up... But at the same time I liked it.

But I knew if I didn't eat I couldn't play volleyball. It would only be a matter of time until I broke down, like I used to before. So I decided to eat something. And I was lucky, because my mom already cooked. I helped her set the table and then we sat down.

After eating I asked my mom if I could visit my grandpa and she didn't have a problem with it. And since it was Friday I could stay the whole weekend. I loved my grandpa, we were pretty close. When I was a kid I remember spending more time with him than my own parents.

I packed my phone and got my school bag. I had clothes and all that at his house so I didn't need to bring any. Then I left. I walked to the next train and got inside. I already knew the trains I had to use, all of them, without even having to see a map or anything. I guess I was so often at his place. I had to change the train 4 times and took in total about 3 hours to get to his house. And it was half an hour from the train station to his house, since he lived in a small village. But I loved that about this place. It was so quiet and everyone knew each other.

As I walked to his house I thought about what I was gonna ask him. He always had some good advice for me, but how could he know what to tell me if he doesn't know what's wrong with me? Then I stood in front of his door and opened it by using the key he gave me.

I could already see that he wasn't home since his shoes were not at the door, where they usually are. But that was okay, he was probably just grocery shopping or something. So I took off my shoes and went to the living room.

I lied down and only stared at the ceiling while thinking. I don't know how much time went by but when I could hear the key inside the lock turn I took a sitting position. And as soon as he opened the door I already yelled towards him "hey PA!" "Yuu! I've been wondering when you're going to visit me" "well I'm here now!" as he got inside we continued talking, about my school, my parents and also about the club.

And when that topic came up I remembered why I even came here in the first place. I wanted to ask my grandpa about it but I didn't know how to bring it up. So we went on with the conversation, talked about a lot of bullshit but I loved talking to him like this.

After a while he got up to make some tea and as he left the room I lied down again. What was I thinking about? Why did I think about it? And what exactly did I want from my grandpa? He taught me to ask myself those questions whenever I'm confused and honestly it helped me a lot. But right now it didn't help at all. I didn't even know why I was so mixed up.  What was all this about?

I mean of course I missed playing volleyball. And I missed the team. And I missed my best bro. And I missed Asahi. I just didn't understand. I was only suspended for 2 months and I could still play with the women in my town. So why was I feeling so depressed? Why did I feel like I was suffocating?