It's Okay

Chapter 5

I still lied there and stared to the ceiling and my grandpa entered the room with two cups of tea. "What's wrong?" I just lied there. What was wrong? I didn't know. "I think I'm broken" yea, that had to be it. That was why I thought about Asahi so much and felt so bad. I mean I was feeling kind of depressed always but I was always coping by seeming happy and loud. But right now I didn't even have strength for that. I was so tired.

"Oh come on stupid. You're not broken." "But if I'm not broken then what's wrong with me?" "There also is nothing wrong with you." "But why am I feeling like that then? I don't even know what I'm feeling, it's just...I don't know." then we were quiet for some time. He knew exactly how much all this was for me.

"Okay. You're here for the weekend right? How about you try to describe it to me what you feel, or even just everything you can describe and I'll try my best to help you." "Yea thanks pa."

And then again, silence. I had to think about it for a while. Where should I start. What would I say. I didn't even know what all of this was about. But it started when- RIGHT!

"Okay so i think it started when a friend left. I mean I always knew they were sensible but... they just left me and I thought we would be together forever. Or well that's at least what i wanted. And now they're non stop in my head. And it was my fault they left. I think that might be the reason for why I am feeling so down. It's only been a week. And now I can't play volleyball for 2 months"

"Woa woa slow down Yuu! Is that a special friend of yours? You know, it really sound like you're in love to me." "In love? I dont think-"

"And you normally let all your emotions out while playing so now it makes sense that since you can't do it anymore you're feeling them all at once. I actually think you might have been hiding in volleyball. Hiding from yourself" "Hiding from myself? Seriously?"

"You've been doing this before, don't you remember? But that time you were hiding in your fear. But I'm not a therapist, I'm just your old grandpa"

He knew this would hit a nerve. I took his advice serious. And I gotta admit it sounded logical. But in love? Is that even possible? I mean he is a boy Not that men can't love other men or anything, but not me.

"Thanks pa...I'll think about it"

His advice was usually helpful so I should at least try to take it. I thought the whole weekend about it but I didn't find any answer. So I went running outside and did other sports. And at the evening I was really exhausted but I couldn't find anything. Tomorrow I'd go back to school, I could ask Ryu...But i didn't really wanted to go. I knew I had to though. Also I had to see my best bro and ask him, maybe he knew something.

When I got my bags and walked to the train station I was thinking the whole time until I got a headache. So when i arrived I put on some music so I didn't have to deal with my thoughts again. He was right. I was hiding from myself. I was running away. Of course he was right, he always was. But something wouldn't leave my head. He said he thought i was in love. But he didn't know I was talking about a boy. And i was straight.

In the train I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't. Even with the music I couldn't stop thinking, the thoughts were just a little more quiet. How did people find out they were gay anyway? They just know? But how? I mean I never really thought about it. So I can't be gay.

Maybe I could ask someone. But do I know anyone? But at the same time can I even ask something liek that? They'd get the wrong idea...

I was thinking so much I didn't even notice how I got home. I opened the door and all the lights were turned off. It was dark outside. So that could only mean my parents were already asleep. So I tried to be as quiet as possible as I walked to my door and got ready for bed. Then I lied down. But I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were so loud. And I didn't feel like listening to music right now. So I decided to go for a walk. Maybe even for a run. As practice. I gotta stay fit even if I can't play volleyball.

So I took the keys and left the house. And then I started running. Where hould I go to? I didn't know, I just run. I run and run and didn't stop. Until I couldn't recognize the area anymore. But I didn't care, I kept running. Until I was out of breath.

I sat down at a bench and tried to catch my breath. Then looked at my phone. It was 2 am already. I should go back. But I didn't want to sleep anyway. So I got on the way back home. And as I arrived it was 4 am. So what should I do the remaining time?

I could do some research.