It's Okay

Chapter 6

"What is wrong with me?" I didn't even know what to type into google so I just wrote the first thing that came to my mind. Maybe i could find some things. Or even just find out what to search for. I found some results that didn't really help me, but there also were some useful things.

"Trauma recovery" I didn't have any trauma, did I? "Feeling stuck" yea it kinda fit, but not really. "Loneliness" Maybe...

Eventually I got to a meditation website so I decided to try it. I tried to organize my thoughts but it didn't work. It kind of made it worse actually. So I decided to take some Quizzes. I found one to mark my symptoms and it showed me possible reasons. There again was the category heartbroken. But I wasn't in love with him. I couldn't be. I was straight.

But it didn't let me go so i decided to make a test for that too. "Am I in love with my best friend?" After reading through a lot I felt like this kind of described it. But that wasn't possible. "How do people find out they're gay?" I found some people talking about their experiences and most of them said they fell in love with their best friend. Some of them just kinda knew and others thought what they felt was normal until either their friends told them it was not or the internet.

"Is it possible I'm gay even if I never thought about it ever before?" I found a person talking about it. They said it was pretty normal. Because if you think what you feel is normal you don't question if you aren't straight. Maybe you never fell in love with a person the from other gender and you just thought you were late. Or maybe you did fall in love with them in the past, it is possible to like more than one gender.

That person actually seemed really nice and they even left their Instagram profile in that website so i decided to reach out to them and ask them some questions in person. So I sent them a short message "Hey, I saw the thing you wrote about finding out if you're gay. And honestly I'm just so confused because everything keeps telling me I'm in love with that one person but that can't be possible, because I never thought of him that way. I think. So I would really appreciate if you texted me back and answer some questions. I can't talk to my friends about this or anyone so I was just hoping." I knew it was pretty unrealistic that they would write back but I mean I could at least try.

By now it was even time to get up for school. Time really went by pretty fast now huh? But I could see Ryu again and maybe ask him about I don't know.

As I got up and took my bag my parents were not awake yet. But I didn't really care, I often woke up before them. I got on my way to school and saw Ryu already waiting for me in front of the school. "Yuu! Did you visit your grandpa? When I called at your home your mom said you weren't home" "Yea, just had to get some time off. And also had to think a little..." "Nah that's cool bro. Are you feeling any better now?" "Not really" He tried to stay optimistic but I knew even for him it was hard sometimes. And seeing his best bro suffer probably wasn't all that great

As we went inside we both stood quiet as we didn't know what to say. Then we went to our seperate classrooms. I didn't feel any better at all. In fact I even felt worse, because it got worse every second. And I didn't even know why it got worse. Or even what was wrong with me anyway. I mean I did do some research and all but all in all I didn't get any great results. Maybe I should just forget about it. My grandpa probably didn't even mean it when he said I was in love. He was probably teasing me like he always does. And I just missed volleyball. That had to be all.

He said himself that I needed volleyball to get out my feelings and without it something was missing. And now all the emotions were bottling up inside of me. It was quite a while since I last felt like this. And last time it didn't really go well...