It's Okay

Chapter 9

I woke up. That means I slept again. Finally! Didn't sleep well in DAYS! But now that I got so many useful tips I think I might actually be able to figure this out. Yesterday after I talked to Saeko I told her to keep this a secret for now. Even though i knew if I actually was gay I had to tell Ryu! But I had one more person to ask.

N: "Hey mom? Do you have a second to talk?"

M: "Sure honey, what's up?"

N: "So I have this friend... and they told me that they think they like someone that is the same gender What do I do?"

M: "Oh... uhm so... I don't know. I actually don't really understand this whole LTBGQ thing, but i guess just let them live? As long as it doesn't affect you."

N: "Oh uh... thanks. I'll go to school now"

It was actually rare that she was up before I went out of the house but i guess I got lucky today. But was that a positive reaction? I originally planned on asking her about love too but after she reacted this way I didn't know if i should do that. I mean it was not a bad reaction right? But I just didn't know if it was good either.

I then left the house. It was actually a little early for school, but who cares, otherwise she would be suspicious about why I stopped that talk.

So I went towards the bakery that wasn't exactly on my way to school, but I didn't mind this little detour since I had some time anyway. I ordered a coffee and some food. The woman smiled nice and asked if I was on my way to school and I agreed. Then I sat down at one of the tables and ate and drank my coffee.

I had about 20 minutes left. Just when I took out my college blog to draw whatever what was going on in my head I spotted someone similar. As I didn't dare to move for a second we just stared at each other.

N: "Asahi! Wait don't run away again, let's talk!"

As he tried to hurry and pack his stuff to escape from me I already went up to his table.

N: "You can't keep doing that. Run away from me. You have to come back, please... I miss you"

A: "I'm sorry Noya but I can't. I just can't. This has nothing to do with you!"

N: "Of course it has! You're my friend! And just because I failed my job at that game doesn't mean you had to quit! I promise next time I'll do better! I'll protect you from them! Just please come back"

A: "I'm sorry" with that he stood up and left.

What just happened? What was that? Why does it hurt so bad? Am I in love? Maybe? But what if I am?? I think I might be...

Then I ate up and left too. I was already feeling down enough and now my stupid heart has to hurt even more.

I got on my way to school for real this time. And in front of the building Ryu just arrived as he saw me and waited for me.

T: "Woa bro you don't look good! You should go home."

N: "Nah it's okay. But I don't feel good. But I don't think I can change that, like ever"

T: "Why so negative? You know what we're gonna cheer you up. Let's throw a party. This weekend."

N: "Yea alright. Don't really feel like it but it might cheer me up at least a little."

He looked at me with a face that probably was to cheer me up too but it didn't work. I appreciated the effort though. So then we teared apart to our classrooms. And school was boring of course but I couldn't concentrate anyway. I just wanted to disappear. Can't this pain stop already.

I feel like I am drowning in my own emotions. And there is not only that maybe love for Asahi, but also some other things that were hurting me.

If I'm being honest I think I'm falling deep into that hole again. I've been there before. It was before I went to Karasuno. It was before I started styling my hair like this. It was before I started to like my 2 colored hair that I've always been insecure about. I've always dyed it brown, like the rest of my hair. And then when I came to Karasuno I met the people that made me actually brave, not like I used to just pretend.