It's Okay

Chapter 19

"Mom, dad, I'm home!"

They didn't answer. But as I got inside I could see them waiting in the living room for me.

M: "Where have you been??"

N: "Oh, I was with the women from-"

D: "Shut up! No need for your excuses, we already know where you have been!"

M: "You've been seeing a boy again haven't you?! SLUT!"

D: "You are not allowed to see him ever again. Or ANYONE in general. This is disgusting! I should have just left you when you were still little!"

M: "I should have abort you!"

They kept yelling at me for some time. But I couldn't hear them anymore. I was not allowed to see Ryu again? But I couldn't. Why

D: "Fucking listen to your mom when she's talking to you bitch!"

M: "You will come home right after school and not go out with anyone and give me your phone as soon as you come home, understand?!"

I was shocked. Not going out? Giving her my phone? Was that even legal? But I had to do as she said, I knew I would regret it if I didn't. So I handed her my phone and went to my room. I didn't eat. Again. I knew it were to many days without much food now. I had to eat or I could quit volleyball. But i was scared of her.

Wait. Did i just think that I was scared of my mother?! I was really a disappointment. I deserved it. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to. I just had to.

TW!

I went to my drawer and took out a little box. As I opened the box I could already feel the guilt. But I had to. So I took out the little silver thing and put the box aside. Then I got changed into shorts. As i put the little object on my skin it was cold. I took a deep breath and quickly drew a line with the special pen. The red ink slowly started filling in the line and then form into drops, that slowly rolled down my thigh.

Fuck. This was too easy. I knew it. I knew it would feel the same, but damn. I also knew that this one little line meant I had to go through this all over again. I knew i wouldn't be able to stop again. Not at one, not at two. I drew more and more lines next to each other. And they quickly filled with blood that would flow over my skin. It felt so good. But it felt so bad.

I was an awful person. I deserved this. It was my own fault anyway.

After a few more cuts I stopped and cleaned up the blood. Then I put away the little box again and went to bed. It hurt, but that's what I wanted. I knew I would hate myself. And I still did it. I wouldn't be able to stop. This was not just one time. I would do it again. I knew it.

I was not sober.

TW end!

I could fall asleep pretty quickly. But I had a nightmare. I didn't remember what it was about, but I knew it was there. And i also remembered what i did last night. I hated myself even more now. But I had to get up.

Everything was fine. I was alright.

I kept repeating this in my head to mentally prepare myself for hiding my pain all day.

And I did. Nothing special went on that day. Nothing someone could see. They all looked at my smiling face and assumed I was fine again. That was my intention, so it worked.

After school i went home directly, just as my parents told me to yesterday. Then I handed my phone over and went to my room. I only got called out once for dinner. I wasn't hungry. I ate anyway, because i knew my parents would get angry if I don't eat.

After dinner i went to my room again. I did the same as yesterday to feel better and then went to bed.

This was now how my days were like.