My One Shots

Touch Starvation

He looked at me with what looked like glint in his eyes. I didn't know why he looked at me like that. I wasn't an extraordinarily beautiful girl, let alone beautiful at all. I couldn't look back at him without wondering why. If i'm totally honest, i might even go as far as to say it made me slightly uncomfortable to be looked at like that.

I came from a loving and protective family, but i was fairly a touch-starved person. In my family, no one ever showed affection; no hugs or cuddles or just small and simple holding hands for me. Ever. You can imagine what kind of a person that might've made me.

Which is why when i lay beside him, face-to-face, i didn't know how to let him know of my feelings. I didn't even want to be touched or told of his feelings, which were quite fairly evident in his eyes. It strangely made me uncomfortable.

Affection made me uncomfortable.

Love made me uncomfortable.

After an uncomfortable set of minutes ticked by, he reached out and tucked a set of stray hair behind my ear. I couldn't help but silently flinch, my eyes closing of their own accord, my stomach sinking.

He moved his hand to my jawline and rested it there, cupping my face, with his thumb resting on my cheekbone. An unwelcome urge caused me to lean into the feel of his hand, my eyes still closed.

It was in this moment that i felt my discomfort fade away and my heart felt at ease. Just for a moment. Before it snapped back and i came to my senses and realized how awkward i actually felt.

I'd never had been close to someone of the opposite gender in my life before, not even my father. Sometimes i felt like if i had a brother, i might've known the opposite gender a little bit better, if not very much. But i didn't. I'd never had a brother, and i eventually learned to be at peace with this truth, even though i always felt this emptiness in my life, and even though it stung sometimes. But i'd never known the opposite gender closely.

When this person, who was going to be my life partner for the rest of my life, touched me, i felt awkward. I wanted to extend my hand and i wanted to caress his hair and ruffle it, but i couldn't. I literally felt unable. It was like a warzone inside me, between the urge to tell him i loved him and the feeling of being unable.

I hated myself.

I hated myself for who i was.

I hated myself for feeling love in my heart for this person. What was the point of loving if i couldn't express it? Especially when i could. Especially when i should.

He withdrew his hand and closed his eyes. I stayed still, unsure of what to do or whether to say something. It was when i noticed the steadiness of his breathing that i realized he was asleep.

I realized now was my chance to channel my affection out of my system, even if he was never going to know it.

I hesitantly extended my hand, slowly caressed his hair before resting my hand on the slope of his cheek. It felt liberating. At the very least, i had channeled some, if not all, of it out of myself.

I loved the soft feathery touch of his hair, the soft curve of his cheek fitting perfectly in my palm.

"See?"

I froze.

He had awakened.

But what if he was never asleep in the first place?

"It wasn't that hard, was it?" He opened his eyes just as i withdrew my hand, feeling flushed.

"I... I don't... I'm sorry... I don't understand...," i blabbered, not knowing what to say.

I didn't understand what had made me act so bold, and i didn't understand why that made me so embarrassed. God, i was such a mess.

"Relax! It's okay. I'm your husband." He rested his hand on my cheek, and i leaned it without hesitation this time, my eyes spilling tears on my pillow. "It's no big deal. I love you." He stilled, just as i shot my eyes open to look up at his orbs directed up at mine. "I didn't want to confess this to you in such a way, but i just never, ever want you to feel bad, you know? It's beyond me to be able to watch you in pain, which i know you are right now, or to see you cry, and i just...love you."

That just made me cry freely. I didn't know what to do with all the dump of information and feelings that had been emptied upon me in one night. I didn't know, except that i knew i felt sorry for myself. I wanted to shrink in on myself. I wanted to comfort that scared part of myself like an adult would do a child.

I knew i wanted all of that, but i wasn't sure i could handle being loved. I knew i didn't want to.

Just then, he guided my head into his chest. He cuddled me, something completely new to me. And i was so overwhelmed that i let him. I cried into his chest like there was no tomorrow. I cried until tears refused to continue spilling.

After a few minutes ticked by since i had stopped crying, i looked up at him with swelled eyes. He smiled at me, the feel of which dissolving and stretching inside me until all parts of me felt cozy. There was so much warmth and softness and honesty in that one smile. I felt so... In truth, there's not a word suitable enough to decipher what i felt in that moment.

For the first time in my life, i felt like i was worth being loved.

And i felt like i was able to love.

And most of all, i felt like i deserved my own happily ever after, someone like him, someone who had been treating me like no less than a princess, someone whose eyes had confessed long before he said those three words.

In truth, i knew he loved me long before he said those three words, but tonight i felt like i could be courageous enough to let him.

For the first time in my life.

Someday, i imagined, i'd tell him i loved him too. Of course, i had a long way to go from here, but i knew, in this moment, that i was worth going all that way for.