My One Shots

The Loop of Love

"You can love someone so much... But you can never love someone as much as you miss them." --John Green, An Abundance of Katherines.

***

Him: "So you're not gonna stop?"

Me: "Ibrahim, please. Please just let me talk. I can't..."

Him: "I'm sorry, i just don't want you to hurt over... just anything..."

Me: ...

Him: "Your words were hurting me and that's why i said... i told you to stop."

Me: "I'm sorry, i just needed to let it out. I just... it was just too much."

Him: "Hey, now i'm feeling real bad. Why are there so many sorry's in our conversation?"

Me: "Exactly! We should give each other space to let it all out, to talk about things that make us happy as well as things that upset us. :p"

I always had this complaint from him. He never patiently listened to me.

Me: "Look, i just HAVE to talk when i'm upset, in order to feel better and okay again. Can you just please listen to me at times, without interrupting me in between?"

Him: ...

Me: "I just... i'm sorry, i don't mean to be harsh."

Him: "No, darling. No. You don't understand."

Me: "Guess we both just don't understand each other."

Him: "Shush! Just, SH! I don't even know what this is about, duh!"

Me: ...

Him: "We don't understand each other. We really don't. But we love each other, don't we? DON'T WE?"

Me: "I'm sorry..."

Him: "Sheesh, that's not what i meant! Please."

Me: ...

Him: "What i mean is, we love each other, and even if we can't understand each other at times, we can always try to understand why we are who we are, can't we? Does this love not matter a bit? Come on, you gotta talk, just like you did just now. We need to express each other as to what makes us, us. We can talk and tell each other who we are, actually. That is, if we really love each other. It matters, stupid. This love matters! And i'm sorry for shutting you out all this time. I'm sorry, dude."

Me: "I love you so much.

"We need to talk. We should've talked before, too. But it's not too late. I love you."

Him: "I love you, too. I love you. Now tell me everything. What's wrong?"

Me: "So, yeah... i'm just afraid. I really don't want to lose you and i'm, just, afraid."

Him: "That's all?"

Me: "No. Not all. But pretty much the major thing."

Him: "Tell me everything."

Me: "So, it's just that, this distance. It's what makes me afraid.

"I don't know.

"I don't know what to say, how to say it. I don't have words to describe."

Him: "It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You know even with this distance my heart is yours, and when you really put your heart somewhere, it can't love another being. Your heart is only a one-home thing. It's really only at one place, with one person. My heart is with you and it isn't allowed to look somewhere else. So, relax. Don't worry about it. Darling, i'm never leaving you."

Me: "But what if you have to?"

Him: "Oh, darling! I ain't ever leaving you. Please, trust me."

Me: "I trust you, i don't lie when i say that."

Him: "Look, you're mine. Okay? Nothing can steal you from me. Okay? ♥️"

Me: "Okay. ♥️"

He was so genuine, one of the most beautiful souls. People would tell me my love story didn't have the potential to be one, but i believed in the opposite. I didn't know the future, no one knows.

Him: "Take care. I love you. Okay?"

Goosebumps. Butterflies. Heartbeats.

Me: "You too. I love you more."

The butterflies are dead, the heartbeats calm. My goosebumps are gone. My heart's gone forever.

I didn't know i was never going to talk to him again. How can he just be one moment and cease to exist the other?

As i read our conversation, i observed all of his words. The sentences, the meanings, the spaces, the words and the letters. It was him, the one who wasn't there anymore. He wasn't anywhere, and i couldn't believe he still existed somewhere yet i could not see him.

Those fingers are never going to type again. No messages are ever going to appear on my screen that could make me happy again.

I loved him, but he's gone. And he loved me, but he had to go. He said he isn't ever leaving me, but he was left with no choice. He had to go.

Oh, how killing it is to talk about our love in the past sense. I still love him and even though he couldn't, i'll fulfill my promise of forever.

People don't know how genuine my Ibrahim was. They don't believe guys like him can exist. They don't know i had him.

I don't know how i'm going to survive life, but i know i'm never going to allow my heart to love; it's gone with Ibrahim.

It's true about infinities, some infinities are bigger than others.

It's also true, "You can love someone so much... But you can never love someone as much as you miss them."

I don't know where you are, but if you're somewhere near me, please know that i love you, Ibrahim. And i miss you even more.

***

It was so difficult to write, and at some point i couldn't; i was so on the verge of a breakdown. I just... i don't know how i wrote it. 

Thankyou for reading.

PS. Did i break hearts with this one? No? Okay!