My One Shots

Sacred Journey

They've left for a sacred journey towards the most sacred place on earth.

My parents.

And i want to share something.

When they were leaving home, my father came to our room and i hurried towards him. I hugged him and couldn't help but feel teary-eyed.

I hugged him, a never-want-to-let-go hug. And i swear it took strength to pull away when he tried to break the hug.

But i had to.

And i did.

And then my mom, so-distant-from-wanting-to-ever-hug kind of person, came forth in my direction. And to my very surprise, she saw it in my eyes. Which she never had before.

"You're crying? Don't cry."

And then we hugged.

"Don't cry! We aren't going to picnic without you!" she said as we pulled apart. And kinda smiled, i guess?

I really was teary-eyed. With no tears actually flowing out, i tried to suppress it. I don't know why it was so visible on my face that even Dad saw it, i looked it on his face, although he didn't say anything.

And i knew i had to cry. Really cry. I controlled until they escaped the doors. Then i slowed down on my way to the room and sat on my bed. With my pillow on my lap making its way towards my embrace, i sat there, blank.

I sat there for a few seconds until i couldn't control anymore, and burst out.

I don't know why i burst out. I don't know what was the feeling, and i don't know which thought i had to pick out of the mess of countless ones.

As i cried, my tears now freely flowing, i didn't know anything. My happiness had faded away and i felt almost overwhelmingly guilty.

I was happy, and i am happy, of course. Why, on earth, was i crying so bad, then?

Here's a precise list of thoughts i was having from hugging them to when i was crying my eyes out:

"I want to go to the sacred place, so bad, too. I want that. The forgiveness and the new enlightening, awakening, awareness. The new, the brand new strength to prevent sins and fight shaytaan."

"I'm so sinful. I'm so sinful. All they do is love us and pray for us, above everything. They'll pray for us the most there, too. All i do is sin, let myself fall in the traps of shaytaan, fail to make them proud, every step of my way."

"I'm guilty to you, dad. My biggest wish is to make you proud in this life. And i'm not doing my best about it. I' m failing, Dad. Please pray for me."

Of course i couldn't say it. Of course it's my battle, alone i have to fight my nafs and no one can do it for me.

Now they're there, at the sacred place.

And i'm happy.

I'm blessed.

But i can't stop regretting my sins, and trust me, you don't know how hard it is.

I'm trying.

And i will--i will do what i have to do.

In sha Allah.

May allah save us all from hellfire, ameen.