My One Shots

Idiot

I fell in love with an idiot.

A few years ago, i fell in love. He was an idiot, but he loved me back.

Now, five years later, i sit here wondering what ever went wrong.

I should move on. Anyone would think i should move on. Even i know i should. But my heart wouldn't listen. I tried every single tact to fall out of love. I even tried hating him when nothing else worked because hate is the only emotion stronger than love, right?

But nothing worked.

I raise my hands in prayer. I don't intend to ask God to give him to me. I haven't in a while. But as i stare at my hands, praying for more “real” things, my heart surprises me by yelling at me his name. It's such a strong jolt that i'm genuinely surprised.

“Him! I want him!” it yells with a pain i'm unable to pinpoint.

But it hurts so profoundly that i can do nothing but stare into nothingness and improvise. I murmur to Allah, “I don't know what to even ask for anymore. I thought i could handle whatever's happening in my life and not want him anymore. Please help me.”

The heart is a profound thing. It's close to Allah... Right?

My heart has been hurt more times than i can count, and my eyes have always been there for it. So as i sit on my prayer mat now, i cannot stop my eyes watering. I cannot help but let my cheeks be damp as a consequence of my heart's cries. I let myself cry, knowing He knows every quiet noise, every tear's plea and every beat of the heart.

When i go to talk to the Idiot once again (because i'm that petty), of course i'm acutely aware that this will hurt more than it will help.

He acts clueless. He's in love with someone else. (Or have been? Meanwhile my heart only beat for him?) And i'm friend-zoned. So it feels like being in unrequited love as well as friend-zoned at the same time.

I make jokes about the things that actually sting badly. And of course he's an idiot, so he genuinely reacts like i've cracked some genius joke. And when i'm not joking, i'm subtly hinting at serious matters of the heart, but i daren't tell him anything clearly. Of course he acts dumb, because that's what he is.

“What if my heart doesn't settle down?” i tell him. “Do i still hope its pleas are meant to be responded to?”

“I guess you should leave it to Him. He knows what's good for you and what's not.”

“But what if i want to know what's good and what's not?” And instantly, i know i'm being petty, that i'm, once again, daring to hope. “After all, i'm just a human being, and by nature impatient.” I'm the cat that was killed by curiosity.

“Well, maybe you can't know. Maybe this is a test. Maybe you need to rely on Him with every inch of your heart and mind.”

Okay, Mister Genius.

I don't know what i expected. But i also know this is exactly it. This is what i knew will happen. I knew i'll never be able to tell him that i stayed loyal to him through the years we haven't been talking (and was praying about Him with a desperate and aching heart) and that i never truly gave up on Him, all the while when he was praying to be with some other lucky girl.

Maybe i'll never be that lucky again. I'll try my hardest and he'll never realize my heart still beats for him. I'm being coerced into an arranged marriage, yet my sinner little heart would rebel, even against me. I wouldn't ever be able to ask him “why?”

Is the heart a sacred thing or is it a wicked thing?

I've dared to watch movies and hope for a happy ending, and i've gone as far as to hope maybe, maybe, my arranged wedding CAN be interrupted by my hero sweeping me off my feet. But i'm not that big of an idiot. And admittedly, i'm the biggest idiot ever. And right now, i don't understand whether i'm being hopeful or delusional.

Here's the thing: There's nothing out of the bounds of His mercy. There's nothing impossible if He only wills it. But what if my brain is trying so hard to shut down my heart's voice and tell me i'm being a massive idiot? But then again, His mercy is way beyond what logic can ever grasp.

It's an ongoing battle, and i've no idea how to escape.

I try once more, “But what if my heart and mind are in a massive clash?”

“I guess then you just continue to fight. And i want you to never give up.”

Way to have a broken heart and want someone else to not give up. Have you given up? i want to ask him. Because i've this illogical, unexplainable feeling the fight in you is raging and you're pretending as if you're a bystander and don't care.

But i know he cares. He's pretending otherwise. He's shut his voice down because he's been told to so many times. And more often than not, i'm unable to help him.

Because he doesn't want to be helped.

“I've to go,” i say flatly. Stop me.

“Okay.” Dang it.

I cannot help but wonder: Is he the idiot in this story or is it me?