My One Shots

Mom

"If i ever be a mother, i'll try not to repeat the mistakes that my mother did while raising me. I mean i love my mom and there's nothing that could compare with this, but there are certain things that did hurt me. I'll make sure my baby doesn't cry at midnights alone when they're in their teens and we don't have any secrets. I'll give them the safe space that i had to seek outside. Mom, i really love you and i have nothing against you, but i've learned things by being your daughter and i'm glad i had these experiences so i learn and don't repeat those actions that hurt me once."

As i finished writing for my blog, i headed back to texting my online "safe space". It was all i did all day, really, aware of the things i'd been doing to hurt others. Specifically my mom.

She'd be asking me to help her with chores and i'd just be like, "Wait, i'm coming in 2," ending up doing only a little and leaving the rest to her.

As the years proceeded and i was at the age my mother was years ago, i also had a teenage daughter.

She looked a lot like my mother and i looked a lot like my father so she didn't resemble me much.

It was only that day when i actually saw life unfold itself in front of me and i felt like i was blindfolded all the time.

It was my husband's insistence for me to continue writing that i logged back into my blog again, which was almost never updated in all those years, but i had all the passwords saved in my diary, so it wasn't a problem to log in at least.

"Mom, i love you. You probably won't read it so it's safe to vent here. All these things i want to tell you, i probably can never say to you directly. So, Mom, i love you more than anything, really. But i have some complaints from you.

I'm sorry i couldn't be a better daughter. I hope you know you've done all that you could for me and i know you've loved me unconditionally and you always will. And i will always be thankful for you to be my mother.

You've always been so strong, i've seen you grow into this mature woman since i was a child. I've seen you facing everything ever so strongly.

But, Mom, in nights like this, when i cry alone under my blankets, silencing the sobs by putting my pillow over my mouth, i wish i could just tell you how bad it hurts. I wish i could just hug you instead of this lifeless pillow.

Mom, i wish you could understand the pain i had to go through of finding a safe space anywhere other than in your lap. I wish i could tell you how much more i'd been expecting from you. It hurts knowing i'm the wrong one for expecting more than you can give me. I can't help it. I wish..."

It snapped me back to the reality that my daughter had been trying to convey on the latest update on her blog.

I had just randomly searched for her username because i knew she writes. She was a blogger, just like me, but oh i didn't deserve such a daughter. I was worse as a daughter, and i didn't deserve a daughter like her.

I felt so ashamed of myself.

The biggest reality of my life to come to me was my daughter having the same hard time with her mother without her even having a clue. The harsh reality of life is that no matter how much you try, sometimes you unknowingly repeat the mistakes you had so proudly promised yourself you never would.