More Than Divergent

32. Not Fine

He lied, I knew the moment I saw him. Max didn't want to see me or Tris. It was Eric. I realized we were walking toward the training room before I could ask. He said nothing the whole way there, and he was visibly tense. He was still stayed quiet when he closed the door to the private training room. I crossed my arms and just looked at him. He stared back. Neither of us relenting. 

"Are you gonna tell me why you're upset or did you just bring me to have a staring contest?" I broke the silence first with my snarky remark. I knew he wanted to laugh but he kept his face unchanged.

"How are you?" Eric crossed his arms. I could tell he was upset or bothered.

"I'm fine, how are you?" I answered.

"Are you sure you're fine?" Eric looked away and then slowly back at me. 

"Yes, I'm fine" I was now confused at this interaction. "Ok, Eric what is going on? Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad" he shrugged as to give off the impression he was fine, but it just made him look more agitated. "I'm fine"

"Bullshit, why are you acting like this?"

"Act like what?" Eric started to close the distance between us.

"You're clearly not fine even though you're saying you are fine." 

"Oh so when someone says they're fine then they must not be fine?" He lifted his pierced brow for emphasis. "Like how you said you were fine, yet needed consoling from your friend" his stress on the last word told me everything. 

Un-fucking-believable. That's why he pulled me away. That's why he was upset.

"Are you kidding me?" my tone hid none of my annoyance. "That's what this is about? Because of Uriah?"

"Funny that's the friend you mention" Eric scoffed.

"Oh my god Eric!" I exasperated.

"What? I'm fine and you don't see me in some friend's arms" He said smugly.

How dare he... He knew how I felt about Uriah. I told him how I could only care about Uriah as a friend. I told him how I didn't feel the same way, like I did with him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him that day in his apartment. I had admitted that I felt something for him. I didn't know what it was I just knew it was different. Different from what I've ever felt, but I couldn't put it into words. And he said nothing. Nothing about how he felt, but he showed me how he felt. He showed me everything I needed to know... I never brought her up. Not once did he either. Especially after I broke her arm. Like a dark cloud looming in the corner of my mind whenever I was with Eric. I remember what I saw in the hallway of his apartment, and now I was pissed.

"You don't have any friends!" I yelled and he scoffed. "And if I remember correctly you fuck your friends" I threw at him and he reacted to the verbal slap. "You fucked Ila, but god forbid I get a hug from Uriah. Uriah who I. TOLD. YOU. is my friend. A friend who has been there for me since I got here." I couldn't stop myself. I was finally unleashing every doubt, every fear I had just crash on to him. "A friend, which is more than what you are to me. You act as if we're something. Eric, we're nothing. We've kissed a few times and what?! Nothing." I now stood in front of him challenging him. "You know I feel something for you, I told you... And like an idiot I thought you felt something for me too!" I threw my hands up in the air. "but you clearly don't."

"You know nothing" his voice was raw, like he was trying to control himself. 

"You're right I don't..." I could feel my hand tremble and my throat tighten. "Because I'm nothing more than a trophy to you. Something you can claim you built. Something to dangle in front of Four and Max. Something you could..." I had to look away. I needed him to know that I finally knew what he did. I finally knew what I felt. "trick into falling for you..." Eric throat bobbed, but he still said nothing. "I'm done." I started to walk away but he caught my arm. "Let me go"

"Theo."

"I'm done Eric, I'm done with you helping me. I'm done with you." The room was dark since we didn't bother to turn on the lights when we came in. I just stared at where I knew his eyes were. Those icy blue eyes I've come to search for every time he was near. "Let me go" my voice cracked and he dropped my arm. I waited for a moment. Waited for him to say anything, to tell me none of it was true and he did care, he did feel something for me. But he didn't... He didn't try to stop me, he let me leave. So I did. I left before my eyes welled up. Once I was outside of the room I didn't bother stopping the tears from running down my cheeks. 

I stalked through the halls. I found Tris, Will, and Christina. They all embraced me when they saw me, assuming I was crying over Al. Tris however knew better. 

They had all decided to get a tattoo and I needed to feel something that whatever this was. With every scarring movement from Tori, my mind just raced.

Eric had played me. He was really as bad as Tobias said. I thought I knew him. I thought my brother was just being overprotective. I let my own need to be wanted to be... worthy. Worthy of just being. I try everyday to be stronger than I am. I'm a fake. I just pretend I'm fearless and confident. I'm not. There are thoughts I don't even allow myself to think because I know its all true. 

I'm nothing. I'm worthless. My father knew. Marcus made sure I knew everyday for two years. I would never forget his lessons. His words of wisdom. I would never amount to anything other than someone's wife or mother. I wouldn't even be worthy of my own identity, my own being.

Eric had shown me different. He showed me how I could be someone. He had pushed me to be the top ranking initiate. He showed me that everything Marcus had told me, had expected of me, was a lie. Eric made me feel safe. Eric made me feel like I was worthy. 

"You're done" Tori wiped the excess ink from my skin. "Have a look" I stood up and looked at the mirror. Out of the four of us I had chosen the largest. I just told Tori to do anything and she thought for a few moments and said nothing as she started to work.

"You're crazy Theo" Will stood behind me looking at my new tattoos and then went to sit next to Christina. A matching pair. The black segments of ink curved along just below my hips to the edge where my back and hips meet. Like wisps of ink in floating in the wind. Some were like a brand, where some were like a whisper. The way it contoured to my body gave it a feminine touch. Tori had even blended it with my phoenix tattoo. 

"Like it?" Tori asked as she started to wrap me up. 

"It's perfect." I held the hem of my shirt up making it easier for her to protect my new tattoo. "What do I owe you?"

"You're good" she shrugged and looked at me. She noted my confusion and continued. "Eric set up a credit account for you last time you came." She said as if I knew what she was talking about. "There's no limit, so it's handled." I had no words. No I had some words, but not for Tori. 

"I'll pay" I looked at her. "You can still charge him if you want, I don't care. But I'll pay you for my tattoo." Tori watched me carefully and whatever she saw in my face, she approved. I had no idea if she did charge him and I didn't care. 

The four of us stood at the railing overlooking the chasm. Tris and Will had talked about Jeanine and her ideas for the future of Erudite and who should be in charge of us. I normally would've welcomed this distraction, I just wanted to go to bed. 

"I'm going to bed." I said to my friends. Will and Christina agreed with me, where as Tris said she was meeting with Four. I didn't care enough to go with her and she looked relieved at this. We walked back to our dorms and got ready for bed. 

I laid in my bed and just stared into the darkness. I had no thoughts. All I had was throbbing from my hips and I focused on that. Focusing increased the pain and I could think of nothing else. Nothing as I finally slipped into unconsciousness.