More Than Divergent

37. Facing Fears

There was a pause. One I hadn't experienced before. A faint voice whispered to me. "You know the time you have to beat. So beat it." Darkness once again surrounded me.

My hands remembered the wooden walls before I did. They wandered over to etched tree in the paneling and traced it gently.

"THEODORA" chills radiated down my spine. He was coming for me. I remembered this fear all to well and instinct took over. I wasted no time kicking the door open. It only took a few times and the cabinet door flew off the hinges. I ran to my room and shut the door. When I turned around my foot slipped on the wet metal grate.

I was on the bridge overlooking the chasm. The same bridge where Peter had attacked Tris. The same bridge were Eric made Christina hang on. The same bridge where Al jumped... The death bridge I had named it. I had begun to avoid this bridge at all costs now. And now I was hanging over the railing.

Every step I made I lost my footing until finally I did. I slipped and my hand caught on to the metal grate flooring. I needed to pull myself up. I tried to lift my body weight and failed multiple times. I wasn't going to get over this way. I noticed that I wasn't exactly in the center of the bridge, there was a ledge just a few feet away from me. If I could get close enough I can use it as footing to leverage my body weight.

I could do it.

I had enough arm strength to make the short distance. I slowly lowered my body to where I was just hanging by my hands. I had to be quick, but I also had to make sure I had good grip. I moved my left hand first, extending it as far as I can. Once I had a sure grip I brought my right hand over. I just needed to do this a few more times and I would be close enough to the wall. With every move I gripped on to the cold hard metal as tightly as I could. I started to slow down as my arms became tired but I had to move just one more time, one more and I could use my legs.

When I finally reached the wall, my foot kept slipping on the wet stone. Shit. I didn't account for this. I started to panic each time I lost my footing, but I wasn't going to give up. I wasn't going to fall. I refuse to fall. Just as that thought entered my mind I found my footing. All I had to do was now pull myself up. I barely had any strength left in my arms, it would have to do. I pulled myself up, placing one arm on the metal floor and then my other arm. My head and shoulders were now just above the bridge floor. I used my left leg to push me further on to the bridge. I slipped a few times but my grip strength refused to fail me. One final push off of the rock wall and my torso was on the bridge. I pulled the rest of my body up. I used my propped knee to push myself to a standing position.

Now on my feet the bridge disappeared. I could see my friends, sitting at our table in the dining hall. I started to walk to them, but the table moved further away. I broke into a run and no matter how fast I ran I couldn't reach them. Each time I moved, they slipped away. I finally stopped. I could see each of their faces, calling me over. I stopped chasing them. I couldn't force them to be in my life. As much as I wanted them to want me, I couldn't chase that need for acceptance forever.

Their friendly voices turned to screams of anger. And now they were rushing toward me. I turned to run but my feet were frozen. The ice...

My friends were now joined by others, and only a few I recognized. It was my father who took the first swing. Peter was second and he made sure to focus on my neck. Blow after blow my body endured. My body had become a frozen statue. Every hit was laced with the burning stings of the bitter ice. I felt frozen like I did when Marcus came for family day. I was helpless against him then as I was now. Eric had to save me that day.

There was no one to save me now. No one to protect me. Just like those 2 years after Tobias left. I had no one. Marcus beat me everyday for a month after Tobias left. Hitting me where no one would notice. Demeaning me before I even had my breakfast, but it didn't last.

I built myself back up from that. It took a lot work but I had did it. I never knew how I did it, but I endured. I did my time and somehow found my fight again. Found strength from somewhere within me. I did it once and I could do it again.

I still had fight in me.

I tensed my muscles against my frozen skin and it began to crack. With each crack of ice the hits lessened. I forced myself to stand up. Even while I could feel others try to beat me down, I refused to give in. I was never a quiet helpless girl. I was never too weak. I always found a way to fight, to survive. I was a survivor. I will never allow anyone to treat me less than what I was. Not anymore. Marcus took a finally swing to my ribs but I felt nothing.

Theo...

I turned to Tobias' voice. There he was in the distance I ran to him and what I saw hit me harder than anything I had ever felt.

"It's your fault" Tobias coughed and blood spurted from his mouth. I quickly went to his side and he fought me. "You should've never trusted him."

"Let me help you" I pleaded. Tobias became weaker and eventually collapsed. I searched for the source of his bleeding but nothing I did helped. His warm blood seeped through my fingers and I was starting to panic. "Please. I can't lose you" I begged. My vision was blurred and streams of warm tears fell from my eyes. "Tell me what to do." I looked around for help and in the distance I saw bodies.

"It's too late" Tobias just looked at me. Looked at me with  accusing eyes. I was the reason why Tobias was dying. Seven figures began to approach faster. I pulled the gun from Tobias' holster and aimed it at the figures.

"Stay back!" they came toward us at full speed and I reacted. Each pull of the trigger marked another body down. Until finally all seven of them were down. Then I felt his body slumped in my arms.

"Tobias" I sobbed and no response. "Tobias" I tried again. Nothing. Nothing but his lasting stare. One that will haunt me forever. One of accusation. I shook him. "Tobias!" I screamed.

"Theo" I didn't look. I knew what waited for me. The cold metal was pressed against my forehead. "Good work" Eric said proudly. I felt my hand heavy and my finger wrapped around the gun. I finally looked down and see what I had done.

In a perfect circle surrounding me, all of my friends. Each of them with a bullet hole between the eyes. A bullet hole I put. The floor was saturated in red. Their eyes looked blankly at me, accusing me just as Tobias did. I marked each one of my friend's faces.

Tris.

Uriah.

Zeke.

Christina.

Will.

Lynn.

Marlene.

All of them gone. All of them dead.

"Now that they're taken care of, it's just you" Eric smiled down at me. I could feel the shift in his hand. The gun slightly angled. I wanted to let him do it. I wanted him to give me what I deserved. I killed my friends. I killed my brother. All because I fell for the wrong man.

I was weak when I should've been strong.

Whatever resilience or strength I found before was now gone. Eric pressed the barrel deeper into my skin. I knew I was in a simulation, I knew I was on the clock and time was working against me. I didn't care now. It wasn't real, none of it. But the guilt was, the shame was. It was about to be over. Eric will pull the trigger and the simulation would be over. I'll finally be done.

"Just kill her already" Ila's sultry voice echoed causing me to finally look up. She was hanging on to Eric, gently nipping at his neck and ears. "I want to play"

"You know, I always suspected." he crooned. "Shame to waste such a pretty face." His hand gently caressed my face. "Oh well, one less D-"

Bang! Eric's sentence was interrupted by the pull of my trigger.