impossible | 𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙗𝙤𝙤

twenty<3

(like 3-4 days after athena is out of hospital idk the date lmao)

tw: knifes, slight violence, homophobia, panic attack, self hatred, mention of sa, hair pulling/ self harm

this chapter is going to be quite different! enjoy!

👍

athena pov. 4:21am

no matter how long i tried to avoid thinking about it, it always came back.

the same memories, the same nightmares.

the same terrors.

his face was etched in my mind, an angry expression scribbled all over it.

and all because of what?

my sexuality.

nothing to do with him. if i wasn't like this, none of this would've happened.

and yes i have my friends. and they make me feel safe, they take my mind of things. especially ranboo.

but it feels good for as long as they're there.

and then as soon as they're gone, i feel empty.

numb.

i felt like crying, but i just couldn't. my face stayed straight as i fell deeper into my episode.

i stared intently at my ceiling, my mind racing with thoughts.

and then the negativity wouldn't stop rushing at me. it was like a fucking tsunami. it wasn't even just what happened with declan.

just everything shitty that's ever happened to me.

i cracked my knuckles.

twirled my hair around my finger, so forcefully that it rips from my scalp.

i jolt upwards, sitting up in my dark room.

my vision blurs.

i can feel my heart beating in my throat.

i bite my nails, my hands trembling .

dreadful thoughts torment me as i gasp for air.

my chest felt like it was sinking.

my heart was pounding.

i tried to reach out for my phone, but i was too weak.

it was happening again.

time skip after the panic attack lol

my legs felt unstable as i walked up the stairs in ranboos house. it was early. too early for him to be awake.

the stairs creaked as i put my weight on them carefully.

he didn't hear me as i walked in. i don't know how. my breathing was still unsteady, but it was manageable now. however my heart was still falling out of my chest, i was surprised he couldn't hear it.

ranboos eyes were closed lightly, and his hair was draped messily over his eyes.

his breathing was regular, and he breathed in and out slowly.

for some reason, this calmed me.

almost... guided me. sounds cringe but, it helped me to fully regulate my own breathing .

a small smile tugged on his lips, even whilst asleep.

i picked up his limp hand and held it inside mine.