impossible | 𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙗𝙤𝙤

forty-eight<3

tw: self hatred mention, sh mention

athena pov

i left the hospital a few hours ago and now i'm lay in bed , my body pressed up against ranboos.

(a/n i'm sobbing 'not allowed' started playing and i FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG i cant even don't talk to me)

"i'm ready to explain now." i sighed into the soft fabric of his t shirt.

"i'm ready whenever you're ready, athena" he gently ran a hand through my hair.

"okay. so a while back, a few months before i met you, i had an addiction to uhm... self harm. i didn't tell you, i know, i should have. and that kind of resurfaced after i did it that one time in the bathroom. not as bad. this isn't really the point though, i just thought i should tell you."

ranboo kept quiet, and continued to play with my hair.

"okay. now the point. when i began getting sexually assaulted and abused, i started having body image problems. then body dysmorphia. then facial dysmorphia. and now i have both. and the whole getting drunk and high all the time thing was first of all due to declan but now it's because of the body stuff." i breathed shakily. "it's got so bad recently, along with the urge to harm myself. at the party i went to the bathroom and i looked in the mirror and i hated it. i wanted to shatter the mirror, every mirror. i never want-... wanted. to see what i looked like again. so i just said to myself, i'm going to get as drunk and high as possible, until i can't even see what i look like in a mirror."

i went silent because a lump had formed in my throat, and i didn't want to carry on.

(a/n quick the next thing ranboo says relates so closely to the song that just started playing 'training wheels' by melanie martinez and just as i started writing what he says the lyrics said 'i love everything you do' and it just fit so well sobbing)

"athena, you're perfect. you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen, and i know that me saying this won't fix your perspective of yourself but i swear to you, i'm being honest. you're perfect head to toe, inside and out. every single feature on your face, your body, everything. beautiful. perfect. i've never met someone prettier than you." his voice was barely a whisper.

he placed a gently kiss on the top of my head.

i didn't even realise i was crying. i don't know how, because i wasn't exactly being quiet.

"i don't deserve you" my voice was all messed up from the crying, i could barely form a sentence. "i love you."

"you deserve the world" ranboos voice echoed in my ears. "and more."

543 words

this was just the explanation chapter im pretty sure the next chapter is the last one i'm actually sobbing i can't even fucking deal with this i don't wanna give this fanfic up😭😭 the next one will be just as good hopefully. i hope yall actually do read it LMAO.

take care of yourselves and don't forget to reach out if your struggling. i love you<3