It had been exactly 2 days since the accident, Alex still didn't wake up, and I don't even remember when I'd last eaten. My parents were aware of the situation and could tell that Alex and I weren't only friends, but they didn't pose any questions and they just let me be, they check up on me every hour and brought me foods which I never even touch. But after days elapsed, my body became weak and I couldn't say no to food anymore, I finally went home and took a bath and fill my stomach. I didn't know just how hungry I was before I put food inside my mouth, I shove everything down my throat as a hungry lion might eat his prey.
I stared into the pile of papers in my room after I was done eating. Mr. Adams gave it to me before I went home, he told me that he found those papers while cleaning Alex's room. It surprised him since Alex never really write a journal or anything, and he thought it best if I have it since he reckoned that would be Alex's wish.
I stared desperately at the thick papers on my table. Alex had touch those papers and anything which might be written in those papers were written by Alex's hands. My heart was pounding so hard I was afraid it will stutter to a stop. I took one big deep breath, I decided it was the last piece of him I would have and take the first paper in my hand, with tears ready to fall from my eyes. The first paper was blank and so was the second and the third.
Then I held the fourth paper in my hand and looked into the words written by Alex. His handwriting was unmistakable to me.
September 26, 10:45 p.m.
I've never been so desperate as to hold a pen and to try and write out my thoughts in the hope that it would clam me a bit. I don't know why I am sitting here, writing this rubbish which no one will ever read, and I don't even know why I am at home in the first place, I should be at some club, or a bar or at Simon's or Levi's. But I'm here, sitting in my dark room, trying to filter out my thoughts because something happened to me.
She happened to me, Andrea Devona happened to me.
The first page was short and firm, and I couldn't be more astonished to found out that Alex remembered and even marked the day we first met. Tears fell down from my eyes as I read the second letter.
October 13, 2:00 p.m.
Dear Andrea,
It's been weeks since I saw your face, but your face stuck in my mind all the time as if you were here with me, watching me as I wrote this letter to you. I have to get away because of Richard's illness, and I don't even know when I would come back to school. I would never admit this, but I'm desperate to come to school again, only to see that face of yours. You may think we're nothing to each other, but I knew that from the moment I set eyes upon you, you're meant for me. And I'm stopping at nothing to make you mine!
November 8, 2:00 a.m.
Andrea, it's 2 in the morning and I can't get any amount of sleep because you're stuck inside my mind, but I love it.
I can't forget the expression you had while you gave me tuition today, I remember your smell and how the corner of your mouth curls up as you asked me to concentrate, but how can I? When you sat so close to me, to try and describe how I'm feeling is beyond the measure of words. You're the only thing that makes the world tolerable for me, the only thing that makes me happy to wake up in the morning. You're the one, there's no question, no option, no negotiation or no second thought, I know you're the one as if your name is written on the bottom of my heart.
November 25, 11 p.m.
Dear Devona, I can't help the smile that appeared on my lips as I think back about how you try to stay mad as I drove you home, you look breathlessly beautiful even when you were mad. I think about all the things you did today, how you chose the book you were about to buy so carefully, do you know how elegant you look as you were busy buying books? Bet you do not, for the first time in my life, I thank the creator for giving me eyes, because these eyes gave me the opportunity to look at you.
I'm sorry for letting you meet Richard and Celine without any warning, but the fact that you played along to be my pretend girlfriend is enough for me to know that you don't hate me as much as you'd like to think. The minutes we spent together in the rooftop was the most amazing moment in my life so far. I have never felt more relax, calm and happy all at the same time. You're my comfort zone, Andrea, you're my happy place. I couldn't be surer of it.
December 6, noon.
Montana is cold now, and the school trip is supposed to take place on a mountain, there will be snow and it will be very cold, for sure, I would have never even contemplate of going if you're not going, but if you're going, so am I.
I'm not giving anyone else the chance to win you over, you're reserved.
December 12, 12 a.m.
Andrea, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you so much it hurts, I would do anything to see your face right now and hold you in my arms, I wish you were here sleeping beside me, I would look at you the whole night, I would be afraid to even blink in the fear that you might disappear while I blink. I came to your house, but I hesitate to call you since you might be sleeping right now, I stared at your room window and that was enough for me to calm my heart down a bit, I wish you would suddenly wake up that time and look out your window, am I being too selfish? But what can I do? I miss you so terribly much, and I'm writing this letter in the hope that it would make me feel like I'm talking to you. It sorts of does.
December 21, midnight.
My dear beautiful Andrea, this is my first attempt on writing a love letter, so forgive me if I fail now, I don't even know how to start, there is no enough words to explain my feelings for you, even if I speak all the language on this planet, that would still not be enough and even if I were to speak an angel's language, that won't still cover it up. I've already told you the fancy eloquent version of this speech before so I'll just say it simply now, I love you Andrea Devona, I love you as much as a human can love one another, but truth be told, it's so much more than that, I want you Andrea, I need you. I need you like I need an air, I need you like the branch needs leaves, I need you like fingers needs nails, I need you, I need you.
I've held back so much from you out of fear, I'm afraid that if I show you everything at once, it would overwhelm you and you would run away from me and retreat into that silent world of yours. Just the thought of you separating yourself from me is the most painful thing I've ever known. I'm afraid that you have a place in your heart locked for someone else that I could never take, afraid that you would never accept me as I truly am, afraid that I won't be enough for you, afraid that if you know everything about me, the very small chance of you loving me back would dim away.
But I hope, with every bit of my heart, that there will be a place for me in your heart, a place where I could rest, a place where I could be safe, a place where I could be happy, a place where I could be loved and a place where I could be who I truly am, a place where I could put down my sorrow. A place where I could be ME.
I love you Andrea, it's as simple as that. I love you, I love you and I love you, I want to spent the rest of my life with you, I live to make you happy, and I promise I would never be the cause to your misery. I want you to be my wife, that sounds super silly given the fact that we only began dating a few days back, but I've never been so sure in my life. You are everything I could ever dream of; did you know how happy I felt when you agreed to be my girlfriend? That was the happiest I had been and would be my most cherish moment for the rest of my life.
Did I ever mention how I felt that night when we shared our first kiss? It was not just getting my first kiss, but it was to have that first kiss with you, it was like nothing I've ever known. I have access to the corner of the planet and I can get anywhere on this Earth anytime I want to, I had seen so much, my love, but I had never experienced anything intoxicatingly beautiful as our kiss. I wish I could save it somehow, maybe keep it inside a box or place it in a wall like a sticker so I could look at it anytime I want to. I wish I could save it in a net and show it to the entire Universe, so this is how it feels when you fall. And I'm happy it's you I fall for, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I spent most of my life guarding my heart, I have guarded it so well that most of the people think I don't even have one, but now my rather silly, faulty, obstinate and oddity heart, with all that I am is yours.
These letters turn out so embarrassing, I'll have to burn or get rid of them somehow before I stupidly without thinking anything give it to you.
Yours forever,
Alexander.
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