(closed) I'm bored and I have writer's block, what better way to hit two birds with one stone than doing a review book which I will most likely abandon but oh well.
Welcome to this book, created through an impulse decision by me.
If you want to have...
first impression: I like the way this was introduced actually and I really like the plot but of course I do have some nitpicks.
plot: As mentioned I like the plot of this story and I am actually intrigued the sad thing is you basically spoon fed me the information that could've been a great mystery in the first or second chapter.
I'll discuss that further in pacing.
The idea of her suddenly getting a company and millions of money and also such great estate is pretty cool of an idea and with the underlying story in it is just wonderful story already.
I think it would be great if you could add more mystery when introducing which I will discuss in description.
Alrighty then lets get on to the next category.
pacing: The info dump in the first chapters really killed the tension and thrill I had in the book. Mr Even practially explainly so much is kinda idk underwhelming?
I know it is important in order for the main character to know what's going but I wish it was more concise, it was more simple.
Example:
She receives the message where Mr Even says along these lines.
You must be wondering why you have my company under your name, who am I, or what's going on.
Don't worry, Chrysos, Everything will be answered in it's own time but for now I want you to do something for me.
Take care of the company, learn the ropes and do as best as you can.
you'll find all the answers there.
You'll find another message in your room, make sure no one is around to hear it.
I know it's not the best but I tried to write down the initial idea of what I was trying to say which was to keep everything vague, mysterious, intriguing.
It can spark questions from the readers and the character. A driving motivation to find out the truth of everything.
a reason to stay in the company and fight for it. since this is ber current problem I believe. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Also these are simply suggestions.
Another would be to take your time writing out each scene, have her sit down for a sec to think about all this
Have her act aloof maybe around the helpers and ask questions. Give her one clear goal that she will be focused on doing.
Like her asking quesrions about the place, what the company does, etc etc.
characters: I haven't gone further enough to know for sure but a suggestion for character is clear characteristic
Where someone can describe someone with one word. When someone can describe a person with one it usually translates to one thing they have a memorable personality but not all the time of course.
Just in the case of writing. Let's just not hope the word would be 'boring'
So I actually like the name Chrysos, it sounds cool and I've never heard of it before.
My suggestion would be to give her a characteristic that would stick. Maybe when she wakes up in the hospital her reaction would be it's cold and find a blanket and thats what she solely focuses on.
Or maybe her reaction is to check out the place, to ignore the words of others. Which would translate as either goal oriented or she's stubborn which could be used as a good flaw for her character.
Maybe she immediately scans the place and interrogates the workers there.
Anything that basically make her reaction more personalized i guess. I hope that makes sense.
Another thing for is that her interactions with other characters have been quite uninteresting. The only more 'expressive' interaction is with the family who hates her.
My suggestion would be to have her pretend maybe to be strong but have moments where she does thigs wrong. Like maybe says something innocently or wrong entirely that doesn't work in the company she's leading.
Similar to the movie legally blonde where Elle fails a lot at first.
Giving her this starting point will give readers something to root for. But of course you also need to give her a skill that needs to be sharpened.
Maybe she's really good at analyzing the bigger picture but sometimes get side tracked or just doesn't have enough knowledge on the subject.
You can use those suggestions if you but once again just suggestions.
Either way I like the story point if her going to learn the ropes and overlook a company. It has so much potential and possible interactions.
dialogue: At some points I get this too formal vibe. Maybe make it more casual on some points.
I've already said in multiple reviews but acting out the scenes and improving the lines can help produce a more natural flow of conversation.
And hearing the lines yourself can also give you an idea on how the line would sound.
I don't have furthrr nitpick just that tip. I think the dialogue only needs to be re edited, it's pretty decent already actually.
descriptions:
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So I had an idea so I'll suggest it.
for the opening line instead of I open my eyes maybe do this:
It was too bright and far too cold for comfort. As if I felt dead but not numb to not hear my heart beating loudly in my chest.
My fingers tingled as I tried to focus at the item ahead of me. A black rectangulat box. A TV.
Right beside it were things I couldn't see clearly at all but I did know that I was in a hospital.
My head ached whenever I tried to get up, each attempt resulting with an even worse migraine than before.
Where am I anyway?
Just an example, I'm not an expert at writing so I can't say this version is right or yours right or either are wrong etc etc. Simply a suggestion.
Another nitpick is to describe more locations and items that catch the eye of the narrator (in this case its the main character) to broaden the setting and provide realism.
Like the mansion, where character is in, doing so would give the character more room to move around.
To describe this, state the setting and where the character is going in the setting, an item maybe that catches the eye of character, and the second important character in the scene.
Is it compelling: I'd yes. It has a promising plot and if paced better I think I can see this as a verh interesting read to the point if you also work on character dynamics, descriptions, and pace, I can see myself reading and recommending jt actually.
overall: I think this book has potential and I'm honestly glad I chose to review your book. I hope to see you improve and read further of this amazing story.
Anyway, hope this review didn't come off as rude and was helpful in some way. Have a good day/night, keep on writing, and farewell!
