Reviews : a book where I try to review other books

37 | The bet

By:

First Impression:

heads up, I only read two chapters (it was mentioned at here's how it'll go chapter, as I am now in school but didn't wish to abandon this book so I hope you understand the change)

I am not part of the harry potter fandom and I'm not really familiar with the marauders. (Just a heads up I guess.

The start of this book was alright although I did wish that the introductions of the characters and their life was a bit longer (it doesn't have to be a couple of chapters long or something. Perhaps just a longer chapter.)

Pacing

Of course I can't really say much since I only read 2 chapters but as i've mentioned, I do wish that the characters like Athea, Clare, and Lara would have more time in the first chapter but that is a more personal nitpick

Plot

I am not sure how many fanfic have the bet sort of trope but I have a read a few in my time here on wattpad.

that makes me sound so old.

but either way the exposition of the trope is usually the same formula. With the main character agreeing to the bet without thinking about it thoroughly.

And I don't think that is a bad thing.

Characters

Athea has a memorable personality. Her characteristics are slightly exaggerated and that's what makes her different so i like that.

Of course, I think the more dynamic interactions are in the further chapters so I have nothing else to say in this category.

Dialogue

There were parts where it could use reread or needs more dialogue but for the most part the dialogue doesn't bother me.

Descriptions

Descriptions can help add more depth to the characters and their dialogue.

One of the descriptions I think you did well was Remus contorting his face in confusion.

With the furrowed brows and squinted eyes.

I was able to imagine a distinct face for him at that moment.

So maybe apply something like that to when a character is talking. This way the story flow feels active.

I hope that makes sense.

Blurb

The dialogue part in your blurb I'd say needs some editing. The cut between what's the risk for the bet could be to for surprise effect. If so, maybe use a different dialogue instead or maybe just cut it before she asks what is the risk.

This way it doesn't feel off and incomplete. (Which is what I felt for that part)

But other than that the blurb lays out what to expect and the initial plot without giving too much away.

Title

It's concise and straight to the point. Nothing much to add here really.

Overall

The story I guess does lack a bit of oomph but that just might be me.

I can't really pin point on what part but to just put it out there, I have that feeling for the story.

Perhaps there needs more build up between the two characters before the bet. Maybe even a pov on remus with his dynamic with the marauders.

And then when there is the most tension between the two, the bet is placed by Potter.

Anyway, these are just suggestions, take it however you wish.

But other than that, this book I'd say does need improvement but not horrible in anyway. I think it has potential to be a good fanfic and you're already a good writer.

Anyway, I hope this review didn't come off mean or rude and hopefully was helpful in some way.

That is all, farewell!