A image can cover so much pain (oasis/Liam Gallagher)

Trying and pretending

Liam took a seat at the back of the room hoping Noel hadn't noticed how late he was and hoping to be able to go to sleep, Noel was as usual right at the front surrounded by guys in suits who were all paying attention to some papers he had and seemed to be explaining. Bonehead, guigsy, and tony sat near Noel but only bonehead appeared to be involved in the discussion and sometimes turning to whisper to the others. Noel was so deep in conversation Liam thought he'd got away with sneaking in late but as usual he was wrong
"Ah there he is my idiot cunt of a brother' Noel loudly pointed out "late as per usual"
"Fuck off ya cunt" was all Liam could manage back he sank down in his chair hoping more people would enter the room so no one would notice when he fell asleep tho Noel seemed determined not to let that happen and kept asking random questions to keep him awake most of the questions were pointless and eventually Noel gave up so Liam closed his eyes and began to daydream. Blood all on the bathroom floor, a lorry coming right at him, a chair moving as he kicked it from under himself, a blade dragging across his skin, a handful of pills. "Liam, Liam you Twat wake the fuck up" "bonehead give him a punch"  he could just hear it, it was all a whisper as if the were far away. Then he felt the sudden pain, just for a moment but it was enough to make him open his eyes he looked straight at Noel he knew it was bonehead who punched him but he knew Noel was responsible "fuck this shit you don't need me here, hell you don't need any of us here you make all the decisions anyway don't really care what we think it's all about you" he just got up and walked out at least he'd lived up to the image of being difficult, not caring and fighting with Noel and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with fucking meetings, shitty stuck up cunts and listening to bullshit about sales projections etc
Walking back to his room he stopped at the bar to grab some alcohol maybe it would help him sleep all he wanted was to be alone. All he wanted to do was sleep and be alone. Getting to the room
He collapsed down on the bed he was exhausted how he didn't know not like he'd actually done anything, he wanted to sleep but he couldn't settle, After a while he got up and began to pace around all he could think about was how trying so hard to be what's expected of him was actually draining him, how much longer would he have to pretend, how much longer would he be able to pretend, just trying was killing him, was making him so tired but he was stuck in this situation. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes it wasn't even pretending he genuinely was in a mood that matched the image, sometimes it was actually him, sometimes but it was only sometimes, it used to be most of the time back when the band really started, it actually improved a bit then but now it was sometimes and he couldn't predict it at all he had no idea what he was going to be like each morning or how long the mood he was in would last, hours, days or weeks, Ugh this up and down was crazy, it was a lot to deal with, he'd had enough.
That was it, he'd had it with everything, it was just to exhausting. He walked to the bathroom dug around in his wash bag finally he found the razor blades at the bottom, he'd often wondered why nobody ever noticed the cuts on his arms, maybe people just put it down to his tendency to get into fights, throw things around and falling down when he was drunk, but anyway no one had ever said anything so he'd never had to explain.
So he began to drag the blade across his arm just gently he'd learned if he used his normal strength it usually ended up in going to hospital for stitches tho sometimes he couldn't help himself. He watched the blood splash into the sink, the bright red against the bright white. How many times he'd watched this, how many hotel sinks he'd painted red, he couldn't remember but he knew it had been a lot.
Suddenly he heard banging on his door and Noel shouting "hey idiot, what the fuck you playing at answer the fucking door you made me look like a right Twat" Liam quickly turned on the tap, grabbed a towel wiped round the sink, put on a new shirt and wet his hair, opened the door "for fuck sake I was in the shower" Noel pushed past him into the room again shouting " you made me look like a Twat" Liam looked at him "well you are a Twat and you make all the decisions so there is fuck all point in me or any of the rest of us being there" "well maybe I make the decisions cos you just wanna party and not give a shit, your too thick to even understand most of it anyway" Noel's words stung Liam picked up a lamp and threw it at him, Noel managed to dodge it and just looked at his kid brother with contempt he couldn't understand why he put up with him, he walked out leaving Liam alone with the broken lamp and the tap running.