A image can cover so much pain (oasis/Liam Gallagher)

Piss Off, I'm Not Fucking Going

Dr Barns come back up to Liam's room, it was time he spoke to Liam properly. Before entering he watched through the door for a bit. Liam was sitting up as best he could, he looked tired he definitely needed to rest. He was still finding it difficult to get himself a drink so he was getting annoyed and frustrated. This was going to be hard, he wasn't going to be easy to deal with.
"Liam, I've seen them off, you will see them for a couple of hours tomorrow and they are bringing some clothes and things for you. Now we need to talk, properly. I'm not going to bullshit you so I don't want you to bullshit me, this has become very serious and needs to be addressed as such. A lot of things are now out of not only your hands but also out of the hands of your family, your friends, your girlfriend, your band and management, I've had you legally committed nothing is voluntary, if you try to leave or refuse I can get the police involved to bring you back against your will and I can get you restrained if it's needed"
Liam didn't like any of that, he didn't like being forced into things, being controlled but at least when Noel did it he can't get him arrested.
"That's like putting me in prison, treating me like a fucking criminal I haven't hurt anyone, I haven't done nothing illegal. I'm not fucking going to the nuthouse you can piss off, why should I be in with the nutcases. I'm not stupid, I'm not insane or mental, I'm just having a few issues I don't need to be locked up"
"This is not a few issues, you died, you're heart stopped three times. The blood loss was major just look at the state of your arms. The fact you won't take it seriously, that you won't admit how bad things are that tells me a lot. Trying voluntary therapy didn't work, trying to treat you as an out patient didn't work. You won't engage with anything, you start, you gloss things over, you give up then you're back on tour, back doing band stuff, you end up depressed again therefore you end up back in A&E. we need to break the cycle and committing you seems to be the best way."
"But I'm not a fucking nut job, you can't tell me what to do"
Liam had raised his voice high enough that a nurse and what looked like a security guy came in
"The therapy didn't work because I had a lot of band stuff on when it started I'm not gonna go sit in my hotel room having therapy over the phone when I can be at a party, hanging out in a bar drinking with friends, spending time with people. I don't usually get out of bed till sound check so it's sound check, gig, party when I'm on tour, tv appearances, interviews etc when I'm at home. Then when I'm not touring and I have time it's pointless cos I haven't spoke to them for months, plus I don't trust them. Just fix me up, give me some pills and send me home. Dave will watch me, I'll talk to Kelly and cut down on the drink and drugs"
The nurse came over with fresh water, she obviously hadn't wanted to interrupt Liam.
"Liam this is Lisa, she's your nurse so if you need anything just ask her. She'll stay while we finish this conversation. Now we are past pills and a friend keeping an eye on you, like I said I have already legally committed you and you no longer have a choice, if you leave I will have the police bring you back. When you are in the mental health facility I have banned visitors and phone calls, I don't want distractions, I don't want you doing band stuff, I don't want outside distractions, the entire focus will be on you, getting you better, helping you cope, you need to be able to function as an individual before you can function as a band member, a boyfriend, a friend, a brother, you may need to also function as a farther but right now you can't even function as yourself, so I'm sorry you're going and that's that"
Liam felt like a child being told off, a child being told he was stupid and he hated it.
"Piss off, I'm not going end of. Get me arrested if you want I'll sue you. As much as me and Noel hate each other he won't stand for this he's my brother so he also loves me, if he finds out he'll be down here kicking off. He won't let you lock me up, he won't"
"Really, you want someone to tell him what's been happening, for him to know everything, the whole situation or do you want to work with me and find a way to explain you being in hospital without telling him the real reason?"
"Ok fine obviously I'd prefer Noel not to know and to be honest I didn't think you'd give a shit about helping me with the Noel, to be honest I don't think you like me"
"You're relationship with Noel is important in relation to your mental health so it's not going to do you any good, as for me not liking you that doesn't matter, what matters is that I do my job"
Liam was getting confused this guy was saying he was going to help him hide the situation from Noel but only half an hour ago he was saying he didn't give a shit about things like that, it didn't matter he still wasn't going.
"Now I need to tell you what I want to put in your treatment plan. I'm thinking anger management, interpersonal therapy, we do need to pay a lot of attention to your relationship with Noel because you work with him, the band impacts on that relationship, alcohol and drugs rehabilitation, you do a lot of risky things sex with random people, provoking people etc. all of these things need to be addressed, it's very complicated which is one of the reasons I want you in the hospital with no distractions, intensive treatment will get you back home, back to the band quicker"
Liam began to think, he wanted to get back home, back to the band as quick as he could, he still didn't want to go through.
"Look I do want to get back to stuff quick but I still don't want to go to the loony bin, I'm not like the people who are there"
"Everyone there is different you'll be fine. Now try to get some sleep and we'll talk tomorrow"
Liam didn't know if he'd be able to sleep, he could hardly move, he was in so much pain, he hadn't eaten anything and there was so much going round his head. Lisa came over slowly.
"Do you need anything?"
"Well I'm hungry so some food would be nice, and I'm pretty uncomfortable"
"I'll see what food is around you've missed dinner so it might only be toast, I'll try get you comfortable and help you when you want to go to sleep, I can get you some pain meds too"
"Thanks"
Lisa wondered off but was back ten minutes later with tea and toast and some pillows and blankets. She helped Liam sit up, made sure he could reach his toast and began checking his monitors. She sat down while he drank his tea incase he needed help.
"Dr Barns does care he just doesn't show it, he's also the best"
"He definitely doesn't show it. I hate being like this, I always do things myself"
"Don't worry about it helping is what I'm here to do, you just relax"
Liam finished his tea, Lisa let him sit for a bit then gave him some pain meds and helped him settle into bed. Lisa knew who he was, she knew his image so seeing him all weak and helpless was very strange but as she knew from her time on the ward that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
"Try to get some sleep Liam you need to rest"
"I will and thanks"
Liam lay there just looking at the ceiling, even though the lights were off he could still see well as the lights from outside shone through the big windows and the lights from the corridor shone through the door and window of the room, it wasn't that the ceiling was interesting it was that he couldn't move so had no choice but to lie on his back, he felt so helpless and weak.
He must have drifted off pretty quick cos the next thing he knew Lisa was waking him up asking if he wanted breakfast and a tea or coffee.
"Toast and coffee please, and some more water"
As she went off to get them Liam tried to focus on the clock, it was eight am, why the fuck were they waking him up this early. Lisa came back with his toast and coffee then helped him sit up.
"After breakfast they want to change your dressing's and check your wounds, then I'm going to start you on your medication, it's just pain medication, a antidepressant and some antibiotics. Then it will be dinner time and after that visitors. Later on Dr Barns will come and speak to you again"
"So I've got a fun filled day ahead"
Liam laughed as best he could, he wasn't looking forward to any off it, he just wanted to be left alone. He was just finishing his coffee when another nurse came in, Lisa introduced her as Emma and they both checked his wounds and changed his bandages, which seemed to take quite a while, Liam couldn't tell exactly what they were doing but definitely felt it. He asked them to help him up so he could go to the toilet while the drip wasn't attached.
"Really I should take you"
Lisa replied
"Well you can walk to the door with me but that will have to do cos I'm still a bit tired too much more than take a piss, unless in your professional knowledge you have any ideas to make things easier you know"
Liam smiled his cheeky smile and winked
"No Liam I should come with you incase you need help and to make sure you don't do anything to yourself"
"Ah well a guy can hope"
Lisa laughed but Emma didn't look very impressed and left the room quickly.
"Ok Liam let's get you to the toilet, back into bed, sort your drip out and I'll go and get your medication"
When she left Liam began to think part of him wanted to call Noel to ask for his help, to have his big brother around not Noel Gallagher from oasis just his brother. He wanted to hear Noel say that everything would be okay but he knew it wouldn't happen he knew Noel would just call him a twat that he wouldn't understand but at that moment the only person he wanted was Noel.
Lisa came in with a tray full of tablets.
"God there's a lot of pills there"
"Don't worry there not all for you"
She began to sort them into a pot for him
"Right this one is the antibiotic, this one is a antidepressant, this is a painkiller and Dr Barns has decided to also add in this mood stabiliser to try and settle you down a bit"
"Right so I gotta take them I suppose cos if I don't you'll force me"
"Liam come on don't be dramatic, just take them they'll do you good"
Liam did as he was told. Lisa headed off but said she'd be back with dinner soon. Liam dozed on and off for a bit, he was still so tired. When Lisa came with food he really didn't feel like eating, he felt sick, maybe it was the medication. He managed a few bites but No more, Lisa came and cleared up.
"You really should eat, I'll bring you something later. Your visitors are coming up, it's just Dave and Kelly. I'll sit you up a bit better"
Lisa helped Liam sit up, brushed his hair and tidied things up around him. She wanted to make him feel a bit better, and if making things a bit more presentable helped then that was fine. Just as she was finishing up Dave and Kelly walked in
"Hey sweetheart"
Kelly walked over and gave him a kiss, he still looked awful.
"Hey darling you ok?"
Liam couldn't really think of anything else to say
"Ok, you know just worried about you"
"But you're ok in terms of you know the situation"
"You mean the baby Liam. You can say it you know."
Dave pulled some chairs over and they sat down. For a while there was just silence, no one knowing what to say, frightened to start a conversation knowing they had to have a serious one at some point today. Liam looked around and decided he needed to break the silence
"So I've had a fun day, bandages changed, medication, hospital food and a trip to the toilet can you beat that?"
"Liam what you like, never serious. I checked on your place this morning, picked Kelly up so yep you beat me on the fun scale"
They all laughed luckily it broke the ice.
"So have they told you much about what the plan is?, what they gonna do? I'll have to tell them to avoid electric shock, don't want you anymore charged up it's hard enough to run ya batteries down as it is"
Dave joked, he hoped he hadn't gone to far.
"Cheeky cunt, I'm not that bad. They've told me a bit like, they want me to go to the nut house, not see or speak to anyone and be a good boy and engage with therapy. Dr Burns said he'd try to help come up with something so Noel won't know what's really going on but to be honest I still don't wanna fucking go, I'm not fucking crazy but he said he can get me arrested and restrained and shit if I don't"
Dave had looked up the rules regarding involuntary commitment last night he knew Liam had no choice, the police could use force to take him to the hospital, could keep him under arrest while he was there. Once he was legally committed and classed as a danger to himself and others his choice was taken away, he had no say in it so he really needed to accept that but Liam was stubborn and Dave knew he'd fight it right until they dragged him there.
"Aye to be honest I don't think you have a choice. Just go and get it over with as fast as possible, if you behave yourself you might only be in for a week or two"
Liam nodded, he looked so deflated. Like he wanted to fight going but he knew deep down he had no choice.
"I guess but I really fucking hate the idea. Anyway can we talk about nice things for a bit"
Kelly was nervous she had a scan picture but didn't know if he'd want to see it, it might be a nice thing for him to see but it might also be a bad thing and set him off but they had to talk about it and this would be a good way to start the conversation.
"I've got something you might want to see"
"Interesting, what is it? A picture of Noel getting punched in the face? Chart listing showing oasis at number one? Picture of you naked?"
He laughed and winked putting his hand out to hold hers.
"Behave. No it's a scan picture, of our baby I thought you might like to see them but it's ok if you don't"
"No no, I'd like to see it, really"
Kelly went into her bag and took out a small envelope and handed it to him, Liam noticed Dave watching him intently obviously waiting to study his reaction. Slowly Liam opened the envelope. You couldn't see that much but you could make out the shape of a baby, it was confusing he felt both disconnected and connected to the image, he realised he was smiling. He handed the picture back
"Keep it if you want, take it with you when you have to go to the hospital"
"Maybe. Come sit up here with me I'm sure there's enough room on the bed for you to sit next to me"
He shuffled along as best he could and Kelly sat next to him. He found himself putting his hand on her stomach, he couldn't help it. After a minute he moved his hand away not quite sure if he'd done the right thing.
"Look I know we have to talk about this but my head is still all over the place and to be honest I think I know what you're gonna say so is there any point in me stressing over it, I don't wanna go and fucking stress myself out by thinking what am I gonna say to Noel, my mam, all the people involved in the band, the fucking press, if you're just gonna tell me to fuck off. I don't wanna start caring, thinking what it would be like, I mean I don't wanna get attached to something that's just gonna be taken away"
"What makes you so convinced I'm gonna tell you to fuck off? To tell you I'm leaving?"
"Because I'm no fucking good. Ok yes I do think I'm fucking amazing in a lot of ways you know singing, good looking, in the best band in the world etc but I'm also a twat, I drink too much, I party all the time, I can't even look after myself in a lot of ways, I'm not responsible, I probably take too many drugs, I'm not good at being an adult, I'm unreliable and I'm pretty fucked up"
He realised he'd raised his voice again, he needed to stop doing that his throat still hurt. Kelly stood up and began pacing around, he was right, it was true he was all those things but in her heart she knew she at least wanted to try, to see if they could make it work, she also knew how much it would hurt if they couldn't, how hard it would be if she did have to walk away but she wanted to take the chance because what if it worked she didn't want to miss the chance that they could be happy, that they could be a family, obviously he'd still be in oasis she'd never ask him to leave the band, it would just mean instead of him coming home to an empty flat and being on his own he'd come home to a family, to someone who loved him. So she had to see if he wanted to try.
"Liam look I'm not going to tell you to fuck off, I'm not going to leave you, if you want to walk away that's up to you but I'm not gonna make you, I love you"
Liam didn't really know what to say, if he was honest he didn't know what he wanted to do but he knew he had to say something but didn't want to box himself into something he couldn't get out of. He needed time.
"I'm not even sure what to do, my head won't let me make a decision every time I think I've decided something pops up that changes it, I honestly don't think I'm in the right headspace to make a decision at the moment"
Dave quickly jumped in
"You need to make a decision before you go to the other hospital, you can't have it hanging over you and you need to do it before everyone else gets involved cos when that happens you won't be able to make your own decision, also I don't mean to be insensitive or anything but one option will disappear if you leave it too long"
Both Liam and Kelly looked down they knew what Dave meant by the last comment. Kelly decided she was going to just say what she wanted and hope for the best.
"Look Liam I'm just gonna be honest and say what I want. I want to give it a try, to try and be a family. I wouldn't ask you to leave oasis or anything just be there when you came back from tour and stuff. I know it will be hard, I know there will be a lot to deal with but I want to try"
Liam had to answer, he had to think quick should he listen to his fear and walk away or at least give it a try and deal with what happens at the time when one of them walks or maybe it will work
"Ok we could at least try. See what happens, deal with shit if it goes wrong then we can at least say we tried, you never know it could work"
She smiled, she knew that was the best answer she was going to get out of him.
Dave got out a notebook and began to look for a page, when he found it he sat up.
"Right so I've looked at what the band has planned for the next month and I've tried to move a few things around. The interview you had in two days I've pushed back by a week, the radio thing I've pushed to next month, Noel will do next week's on his own, Noel was going to do the acoustic show on his own anyway and the three gigs aren't for just over two weeks anyway. I'm going to discuss with your Dr about what we will tell Noel and if needs be the press. Kelly is going to stay at your place and I'll check in now and then. Kelly tell him about the scan this morning"
"Oh aye I had a scan today, baby is doing fine. I got to listen to the heartbeat, it was amazing. I've got new pictures so if you want a new one to take with you, you can"
"I'd like that. As long as the bastard Dr let's me take one with me"
He laughed but Kelly could see the hurt in his eyes, hear the pain in his voice. He really was worried that he wouldn't be allowed to take one.
After a few hours a nurse came in and asked Kelly and Dave to leave, before he did Dave put the bands booked schedule and the scan picture on the table by Liam's bed. A decision had been made to tell Noel that Liam has went on holiday to clear his head and get some rest, they had said his voice needed rear or he'd be at risk of damaging himself and losing it. That meant Noel wouldn't be bothered about phone calls. When a nurse came in with his tablets she informed him that he was going to be moved to the mental health facility tomorrow. That night he couldn't sleep, even though he was exhausted, he just wanted to go home, wanted to get a beer out of his fridge, watch Man City, he even wanted to fight with Noel. He got up and pulled on some socks, he'd been in tracksuit bottoms and Tshirt all day so all he needed was a pair of shoes and coat and he could make a run for it. After he had got himself sorted he checked the corridor, it looked empty.