A image can cover so much pain (oasis/Liam Gallagher)

The Talk Then I'm Alone

Liam had only just walked through the door, how could she tell he was drunk already. Maybe it was just an assumption since he spent most of his time drunk.
"Just a bit tipsy, we only had a couple. Sorry I'm late the fucking idiots at the studio made us do six takes, I was getting so annoyed I mean the first take was perfect but you know what they can be like. Anyway how was your day?"
"Well you should know what these people are like. It's been one of those days, Katie wouldn't settle, I think she wanted you. You need to be careful she doesn't become so attached to you that she won't settle for anyone else because that would be hard when you go away, people will find it hard to look after her when you're on tour"
"What can I do really, it's not my fault"
"I know that. I'm just telling you to help you"
"Sorry mam I'm just a bit stressed"
"No you're drunk, you get snappy when you're drunk. You need to cut down on your drinking it will make things easier for you"
Liam really didn't want to snap, he never liked arguing with his mum, she had put up with so much from him she didn't deserve him having a go when all she was doing was trying to help.
Katie started crying.
"Liam will you get her please, I'm going to make you some food because you probably haven't eaten all day"
Liam walked through he tried to make sure he walked in a straight line. She was in her cot next to his bed, the cot looked beautiful and she looked like an angel when she was asleep. He picked her up and sat on the settee with her. He could hear Peggy banging away in the kitchen he knew she was annoyed with him by how loud she was banging the pans and stuff. It took him a while to get Katie settled, she definitely seemed in a mood today, maybe that was Liam's bad temper in her. Peggy came through with her bottle and handed it to Liam.
"Feed her will you I'm busy with our meal"
"You know I'm not good at winding her. I usually do it wrong"
"Well you're gonna have to do it when I go so you better start getting it right."
She walked straight back in the kitchen. Liam had mastered the bottle so that was easy but the other bits he wasn't good at it when he was sober let alone drunk. He managed to do it maybe because he had no choice. He settled her back in the cot just in time, as Peggy was putting the food on the table. They ate in silence and Peggy made sure he drank coffee and water.
Liam took his coffee through to the living room and Peggy joined him. Liam noticed how serious she looked and began to worry about what was coming, he knew something was coming
"Liam we need to talk, to have a serious talk. It might sound like I'm having a go at you but there are things you need to hear, things you need to understand and not all of them are good but they will help you. Now are you going to listen to me properly? Will you take things in? Will you take it seriously?"
"Ok I will listen, take things in and I promise to take it seriously but really I don't understand what there is that could be really serious. I've learned how to change nappies, feed her, bath her, I wake up when she cries. I think I'm doing good"
"Yes you are doing good but there is more than those things to learn, somethings you don't learn they come naturally. Plus before you know it she'll be crawling, walking, picking things up and if she's anything like you coursing chaos."
"Ok I know I've gotta think about those things but I've got time"
"Right well I'm going to make us a pot of tea, I bought you a teapot it will come in handy trust me. Then I'm going to sit down, sit down, say what needs to be said and then we can talk about it then I'll feel better about leaving you on your own. I'll be happier knowing things are sorted"
Peggy went into the kitchen, she put the kettle on and sighed. She knew she had to be hard on him but be kind too. She knew Liam's temperament, knew he was unpredictable, and didn't know for sure how he would react. It broke her heart that he'd got everything he dreamed of, he was having fun, enjoying his life now everything was going to change. He was too young for all this, he needed to grow up but he shouldn't have to, but he had to admit some responsibility, his mistake too. What happened after, Kelly's death etc no one could change and it was cruel, he didn't deserve that but he had to deal with the fallout and all this while being in oasis and everything that came with it.
Liam sat there thinking and worrying. What was his mum going to say? Was she disappointed in him? The depression hit him like a truck, he just wanted to run away, his life was a mess and he really didn't think this was gonna go well. The dread, the worry, the fear, just everything was making him suicidal.
Peggy came back, sat down next to Liam and poured some tea.
"Now first off you're gonna have to accept the situation, accept you can't change it and deal with it. It's not a small thing it's life changing. You also need to allow yourself to greave for Kelly, you lost someone you loved in such awful circumstances and you need to deal with that. But now there is a little baby who is dependent on you for everything, even as she grows up she'll depend on you. Think about it even if you don't want to admit it you were dependent on me up until you made your money even then you still lived at home. So you need to pull yourself together enough to care for her, I know it will be hard, you're only just learning to look after yourself never mind a baby."
Liam stared at his cup, he felt as if she was saying he was not up to it, like he was too immature and he couldn't even look after himself.
"And Liam you are going to have to cut down on the alcohol, you can't look after her drunk, and stop the drugs, just stop them. It's dangerous. What happens if she gets ahold of them or your so high you forget she's there, and as much as I don't want to talk about this subject I don't even feel comfortable listening to it but it has to be addressed. The girls, the sex, going with the groupies that needs to stop. You can't bring them back here or to a hotel room if you have Katie with you, and all the other things you do with them should at least calm down a bit. Also to be blunt do you want to end up in this situation again. I know you can't control what the press write about you but maybe if you behave yourself and stop doing stupid things then the less they can write about you"
Liam couldn't think what to say, Peggy never really spoke about the drug's and she never said anything about his sex life. He felt like he'd let her down. Then other things popped into his head and he got angry.
"I've got my reputation, if I suddenly change in a big way the press will pick up on it and try to find out why. I want to have fun, I've got everything I wanted I want to enjoy that. Why should I dramatically change. I'm learning how to look after her, I am but people have to give me a chance, give me time. I'm gonna do it my way, the way I'm comfortable with, it's the only way I'm gonna be able to do it. I'm not perfect, I'm not good at domestic shit but I will learn the things I need to, I mean come on forgetting to hoover, me having a drink at a pub etc is not gonna kill her is it. No one seems to think I can do it, no one thinks I can find my own way to do it. I'm not stupid I know not to bring girls here I never do, I'm not gonna become celibate am I what would be the point it's not gonna affect her. I just need people to believe in me, that's all. I'll work out what I need to change, I can work out what I need to do. I need help, yes. But I need you to believe in me and support me, that's all I want, please let me try."
Peggy really didn't know what to say it seemed Liam was half angry and half down in a way she knew she had to let him find his own way to deal with things but she was scared for Katie because what if Liam couldn't find a way, it would be her that suffered.
"Liam I have faith in you, I believe in you, I always have since the day you were born but I know you'll need help and sometimes you just don't listen to people who are trying to help you so I need you to listen to me that's all."
Liam nodded and poured another cup of tea he didn't care it was cold he just wanted to drink something. Peggy got up to go to bed her train was in the morning so she wanted to get some sleep. She told Liam he should go to bed, that he should grab any sleep he could.
Liam went into his room, looked into Katie's cot, she was asleep her little hand holding onto the blanket, she looked so peaceful and innocent, though he knew at some point she'd be screaming the house down. He walked over to his bed and collapsed, he hadn't even bothered to take his clothes off, hadn't even put his pjs on. After about twenty minutes he rolled over and got a beer out the mini fridge and dug around in the drawer for the coke. He lay there hoping he didn't wake up in the morning, he didn't want to face the world ever again, everything was wrong, it was all a mess. He sat up and opened the window, lent on the window sill and lit a cigarette, he ended up putting the cigarette out on his arm. After a couple of lines of coke he sat on the bed drinking his beer, one turned into four then Katie started to cry
"For fuck's sake, you could at least let me finish my beer."
He picked her up and took her through to the kitchen, Peggy had made up a few bottles to make things a bit easier for him. He sat on the settee to give her the bottle. He looked down at her, he could see Kelly in her. Only now was he beginning to realise how much he had loved Kelly, it upset him to think how bad he had treated her, she died only knowing the half of it, he wondered if she knew it all now, that wherever she was she'd learned all of it, decided being with him was a mistake and that scared him maybe she didn't even want him looking after Katie. Liam eventually got Katie back to sleep, carefully placed her back in her cot and tucked her blanket around her. Then he went back to the coke and mini fridge. Eventually he fell asleep.
His alarm woke him, he sat up, looked around and went over to Katie's cot, his heart dropped when he saw she wasn't in it, if he'd slept through her crying, if Peggy had come in she might have noticed the empty bottles and the left over coke. She'd kill him. But he decided it was better to face the music so went into the living room.
"I popped in to get her, I hope you don't mind I wanted as much time as possible with her before I left, I was careful I didn't wake you"
She must not have noticed the stuff
"Nah it's fine, you been up long? You should have woke me"
"Just a couple of hours. I wanted you to get some sleep, you didn't actually get to sleep till early morning, I'd heard you up with up with her."
Liam smiled and went through to make himself some coffee, he was relieved Peggy hadn't noticed the drink and drugs, that would have really caused problems. He looked at his cup, was there even any point in making coffee, it made no difference to how he felt, it wouldn't fix anything. It's just a automatic thing people do they pretend it will fix something. Liam still made it.
He shuffled back to the living room and flopped on the settee, he sat there, he didn't want to move, he was so tired but he knew he had to put his everything's fine face.
"Liam grab her while I get my suitcase"
"No no mam, I'll get them you sit down"
He jumped up to fast he felt dizzy as hell, he had to take two seconds so he didn't fall. He wasn't sure if it was the drink, drugs, depression or just tiredness.
He bought the cases through, they felt really heavy and Liam felt weak, he sat straight back down.
"I'll have to book my taxi, my train is in a hour"
"I can get Dave to drop you off, do you want me to come with you?"
"No no you're tired, plus who you gonna get to babysit. I'll get a taxi, it'll be better, less stress for everyone"
She walked to the phone, dialled the taxi company the band used and booked a taxi for half hours time. She decided to sit with Katie until it came, she noticed Liam had started dozing it worried her a bit, leaving him while he was this tired but he had to learn, she decided that she'd ring Noel when she got home, tell him to check in on Liam, it would give Liam a few hours to get on with things but also mean if he needs help Noel will be there, Liam would never phone Noel himself.
"Liam my taxis here, I've put Katie in her cot"
He sat up quickly
"Sorry must have dozed off, I'll help you with your bags"
Liam took her cases to the car, hugged her, and told her to ring when she got home.
"Thanks mam, thanks for everything. I love you"
"It's ok Liam, I'm always going to be there for you"
After the car pulled off Liam rushed back inside, he knew it had only been a couple of minutes but he felt guilty for leaving Katie. The first thing he did was check on her he decided to leave her in her cot and he'd just watch telly in his bedroom with her, though in someways he didn't want to, it meant every time he looked away from the tv he would see her and it would remind him that all of this was real. He got himself settled on his bed and began to flit through the channels, not much was on, eventually he found a film that seemed ok, he didn't know what it was called but the five minutes he'd watched seemed quite good so he left it on. He began to doze again but he had to stop himself but every time he woke himself up he ended up dozing again five minutes later. He needed sleep. He had three weeks to try to be a normal person before he was off on tour, he couldn't wait, he needed the release of being on stage. He only hoped he'd last the three weeks, he wasn't sure he'd manage it.
He grabbed some pills out of the drawer to keep him awake, opened the window, took the ashtray to the bedside table and lit a cigarette, he'd only smoked half of it when Katie started crying
"Shit, could you not wait till I'd finished my smoke before you started"
He put it out and went over.
"Oh great, you need a nappy change. I fucking hate that"
Liam couldn't stand changing nappies, he'd glossed over how much he hated it when Peggy was there because she did it most of the time and was happy just making sure he knew how to do it after changing her he went into the bathroom and before he even knew what was happening he had punched the mirror then put the toilet lid down and sat on it watching the blood drip from his hand down to the floor. He was starting to spiral and he knew it but couldn't do anything to stop it, he still needed to make his therapy appointment, maybe he should do it now since he was thinking about it, if he didn't he'd probably keep forgetting. He wrapped his hand in a towel and went to the phone, dug out Dr Thomas's phone number and dialled.
"Hello Dr Thomas speaking"
"Oh hi it's Liam, Liam Gallagher. I know it's taken me a while to call to sort out an appointment but I've had a lot going on so maybe we could arrange something now?"
"Hello Liam. I was getting worried and was about to call in a welfare check. I know you've had a lot going on but even just calling me is something. You do still need to stick to your treatment plan, yes we can adapt it but you can't abandon it"
"I know, I know but I have been dealing with something important, it couldn't be put off"
"Ok well anyway we can talk about that at your appointment. Are you free tomorrow?"
"I don't know if I can get a babysitter. So I might not be able to get to your office"
"Well how about I come to you? I can come over for eleven. I doubt you'll be sleeping in late at the moment. You'll be getting used to being up early"
Liam didn't expect a appointment so quickly and definitely didn't expect her to say she'd come to his place. Would he have to tidy the place up, make it perfect or could get away with saying sorry ain't had much chance, with the baby and stuff.
"Em ok aye tomorrow be fine. Just be aware the place might be a mess and we might be interrupted by crying"
"That's fine Liam, I'll see you tomorrow"
After Liam put the phone down he began to think the whole thing was a bad idea and maybe he should call back to cancel, he picked up the phone but as he did Katie began to cry so he put it back down and went to her. He picked her up and she soon began to settle, obviously she'd just wanted his attention, he couldn't really be bothered and he knew he needed to stop her getting to the point where she would only settle for him as tours, parties, awards, tv and interviews were going to be point when she would have to be left with other people.
Sitting on his bed he looked at her, so small, innocent and dependent on him. He loved her and although he thought she'd be better off with someone else he wouldn't want her to go really, he'd miss her, it would hurt but he had to think about what was best for her, staying with him or going to live with Kelly's family. At the end of the day it was his decision, though he was shit at making decisions, he could change his mind in a few days, a day, hours and sometimes even minutes, it all depended on his mood at the time, where he was, if he was high, drunk or both. He knew he was unpredictable. He really wasn't cut out to be responsible or reliable.
The rest of the day included a few mishaps, messing up a bottle, losing the baby wipes and things. He got frustrated and angry but he managed. He'd just settled her in the cot and sat down to watch a film when there was a knock on the door, he wasn't expecting anyone. He opened it slowly
"Hi Liam. Noel was busy so I came down, Peggy asked him to check on you. So he thought we better at least do it for her sake"
"Hi Meg nice to see you too, come in"
Liam knew she didn't want to be here he couldn't see why Noel couldn't take half an hour to do what mam asked, it made him angry but also a bit upset. Liam never admitted he needed Noel mostly he didn't need him but right now he did
"Do ya want a cup of tea or coffee I've not long boiled the kettle"
"Tea will do"
She had a big bag with her, like a hold-all which she dumped on the floor Liam was confused about why she would need it, unless the only reason she'd popped in cos she was on her way to stay at her friends, seemed likely cos she wouldn't want to spend time with Liam on his own she usually only saw him when she had to.
He brought the tea though and sat down.
"Don't worry I haven't killed her, she's asleep. Yes I've fed her, changed her nappy and held her when she wanted me to. If you want to check she's in her cot in my bedroom"
"Is that what you think I'm here for? To ask you if you've done things and check you haven't done anything wrong? Then leave."
"Well you wouldn't come here to see me would you"
"Actually I did. I came to see if you were ok, if you needed any help and also to see Katie. I'm her auntie Meg I want to be her auntie Meg. Liam I'm here to help."
Liam was pretty shocked it actually sounded like Meg cared. For a bit they sat in silence drinking there tea. Then Meg stood up.
"I'm gonna nip in to see her if that's ok?"
"Aye that's fine, pick her up if you like"
Meg went into Liam's room, she hadn't seen the new cot before, it was beautiful Liam had chose well, all the matching blankets and stuff made it look so perfect. She picked her up, she didn't wake up just moved around to get comfy in Meg's arms. Meg decided to have a little look around, she saw the couple of empty cans but Liam could have drank them at any time. There didn't seem to be any obvious signs of drug use so things seemed to be going ok.
She came back through to the living room and sat with Katie for a bit, but she didn't say a word to Liam, thinking about it he came to the conclusion that she still didn't like him but she liked Katie. So the only reason she was even here was her otherwise she never would visit him, he wondered how many people would be the same. Meg passed Katie to Liam and picked up the bag
"Me and Noel got Katie some stuff, just teddies, clothes, bedding, we got a few things to hang over her cot made and a proper seat for when she's not in her cot, which will be delivered this week, you can't keep using a car seat."
"Thanks"
Meg put her coat on and started to walk towards the door then suddenly stopped and turned to Liam, a serious look on her face
"You do know if it's too much for you, that you realise you can't look after her, that you can't change, me and Noel are happy for her to live with us, we could even bring her up as ours. Being uncle Liam would be much easier for you. Anyway the offer's there so just decide what you want to do and let us know"
As she turned her back on him and continued to the door he began to get so angry, he felt like shouting, demanding to know who came up with the idea but Katie was asleep in her seat and he'd wake her if he did, so he bit his lip and was glad when she was gone. He was still seething, who the fuck were they to just take her away, did they really think they'd do a better job. They weren't exactly in a perfect relationship, Noel wasn't perfect he did a lot of the same shit as Liam, the alcohol and drugs. Who the fuck do they think they are. He walked to the phone, the child in him wanted to call mam, tell on Noel, be the little brother who was upset cos big brother was being nasty to him, but he didn't pick up the phone, he realised how stupid he'd sound, he wasn't a kid anymore, he had a kid for fucks sake, that thought scared him. He headed back into his bedroom, Katie was due a feed in fact it was actually over her usual time, he hadn't realised how long he'd been sitting there. He was worried cos normally she'd be screaming the house down. He went up to the cot, put his hand on her hand to see if she responded, she seemed to be breathing. She started trying to hold his finger and sorta opened her eyes, like when people are half asleep. He must have made her realise she was hungry as the noises started. After he'd sorted her out and settled her down he got some cans and settled down on his bed. He felt so alone, he didn't know what to do. In someways he couldn't wait for tour, in someways he didn't want to wake up in the morning, but he had to, he remembered Dr Thomas was coming over tomorrow so he better be up in time to sort the place out.
It felt like he'd only been asleep for half an hour when Katie woke him up, he glanced at the clock it was seven twenty. He got up did what he needed to and settled Katie in her cot, made a coffee and had a sit down. He began to tidy up, he found a baby basket he didn't even know he had, it was under the bed in the spare room he had no idea why it had been put there but was glad he found it, it was gonna come in handy. He tidied up as much as he could with the little interruptions, when it came to half ten he thought fuck it, settled Katie in the baby basket, made a coffee and lit a cigarette. When the knock on the door came he didn't rush up, slowly walking to the door.
"Hey come in, take a seat wherever you want"
Dr Thomas walked in and sat opposite where Liam had been sitting, Liam guessed she'd sussed his usual seat.
"Hello Liam, this is a nice place. Press can't get to your actual door so it will be a bit quieter"
"Aye it's ok, seems the press ain't sussed I'm here yet, they still think I'm in Manchester since I stay at hotels down here a lot, thick cunts they are"
"I'm sure at some point they will discover your here though"
"Aye probably. Anyway do you want coffee or tea? And I'm sorry about the mess"
"Coffee will be fine"
He hurried through to the kitchen, scared. Not quite sure if this was all gonna turn out bad or not but he couldn't exactly ask her to leave so he made the coffee and headed back through
"She looks really peaceful, I'm guessing she's getting the best of everything"
"She looks peaceful when she's asleep but you wanna hear her when she starts crying and stuff, mam says she's inherited my big mouth. Trying to sing before she can talk (he laughed) aye best of everything she isn't gonna want for owt"
"You feel your doing ok with it all?"
"Well I've mastered most of the practical stuff but everything else that's a long fucking story"
Liam laughed trying to sound like it wasn't bothering him but he could tell Dr Thomas could see right through him, she knew that Liam was honest, straight to the point, and always said what he thought but had this one thing that he hid, that he didn't talk about and it wasn't good for him. She knew she had to push him. Therapy needed to be tailored to each patient, a lot of the time it wasn't good to push a patient too much but Liam was different
"I've got enough time to listen to a long story"
"It's confusing and I wouldn't make much sense"
"I'm sure I'll be able to understand, I'm good at listening to things like that. A lot of people talk like that in therapy"
Liam was hoping that might have put her off but it seemed he was going to have to just go with it.
"Maybe we could start by you telling me a specific thing then we deal with that and when we've finished the specific things we can move on to the general stuff? Maybe that will help you with the confusion a bit"
"Em ok then."
Liam really fancied a drink right now but he knew it was a terrible idea. So he decided to go and get Katie one of her teddies and maybe sneak a couple of lines. He made his excuse's, went through and shut the door.
Dr Thomas knew today was going to be hard because of the mood Liam was in, he was distracted by Katie, he didn't seem to want to talk but it also seemed he needed to talk. She sensed something had happened, that he was struggling. Obviously the whole thing with Katie and Kelly meant he hadn't been able to stick exactly to his treatment plan, hadn't been able to have therapy sessions so some of the progress he'd made had been lost but it wasn't his fault so she had to take that into account, she just hoped it didn't come to taking him to hospital again. She had watched, read and listened to some of his recent interviews
It was interesting how different he was, different to the guy she knew, the different personalities. It was something she needed to keep in mind, that's why she kept up with them it helped her help him, it helped her see the way Liam and Noel interacted with each other.
Liam picked up a teddy that was ok to put in her basket, he'd put the ones that couldn't on a shelf so he didn't get confused, it was such a small thing but it was important. He went to his drawer, got the coke and set up a couple of lines, he knew it was wrong but he felt so shitty he needed a pick up to face therapy.
"Right I'm back, I'll get us a another cup of coffee then we can get on with it"
He put the teddy next to Katie, made some coffee then came back sat down and lit a cigarette
"So Liam tell me what's going on"
Liam took a breath and decided to tell her what Meg had said as he was still really pissed off about it and it was really annoying him.
"Well after mam got back home to Manchester yesterday she phoned Noel and asked him to come over last night to check on me, I know she only did it cos she cares you know so I don't really mind. But anyway Noel was busy, I don't know what with so he sent Meg and as you know Meg doesn't really like me so I knew she didn't want to be here, she pretty much admitted it when she got here by saying they thought they should at least do it for mam, not for me, just for mam. She tried to sound nice by saying they wanted to help, that they cared etc but most of the time we sat in silence until she was about to go and said the thing"
Katie started to fuss, wanting Liam's attention. It was like Katie knew Liam wanted a excuse to stop talking, like he was getting uncomfortable so she decided to interrupt to help him.
"Sorry I've gotta see to her"
"That's fine, take your time"
He picked her up she settled quickly and just wriggled herself around a bit until she was comfy in his arms, he sat back down with her in his arms and got himself comfortable
"She just wanted a cuddle, that's sweet. Seems she's gonna be a bit of a daddy's girl, she'll have you wrapped around her little finger. Though I'm guessing by the way you look at her she already has. I can see how much you love her"
Just those words set him off.
"Exactly. I might not be perfect, I might not be good at everything yet but I love her. I'm trying, I haven't just given up. So what fucking right did Meg have to say that, what right do her and Noel have to just decide, to even suggest, to even fucking think of that. They're not fucking perfect"
"Liam what has Meg said? What have Noel and her done?"
"Oh right I didn't actually say that bit did I sorry just the distraction then you saying I loved her kinda set me off sorry"
He pulled Katie's blanket up, she was getting cold plus it gave him a second or two's space
"They said if I realise I can't look after her, that it's too hard for me, she could go and live with them, that maybe they could bring her up as their own. She said being uncle Liam would be much easier for me. It's like they already decided it's too hard for me, like I'm just stupid cos I haven't realised I can't look after her yet. They seem to have already decided that she should be theirs, that they don't trust me and I'm only just good enough to be uncle Liam and that wouldn't be much anyway since I never really see Noel outside the band and I never see Meg."
"That's why you're a bit on edge. You're right she didn't have the right to say that, that should have come from Noel"
"Noel doesn't have the right to say it either and he knows it, he sent her cos I woulda knocked him out"
"It was probably coming from a good place it just wasn't the right time, didn't come from the right person and wasn't worded right. You and Noel don't know how to talk to each other about things like this, he maybe thought coming from a woman it would sound better but didn't take into account that you and Meg don't get on."
"I know, I know maybe he should have spoke to mam though"
"Now I don't think that will have helped your general issues. Have you been talking your medication? Have you been drinking? Stayed off the drugs? I'm assuming you have had help from your mum while you've been doing band stuff but now you've got time off and you're mum's gone home, you'll mainly be on your own"
"I've been off and on with the meds cos of things going on, I've been drinking at parties, when I'm doing band stuff, only the odd one when I'm looking after her. A few lines, the odd pill when doing band stuff but not much. Mam's been a star but she can't stay here forever, she said she had to let me stand on me own two feet, I have to get used to it. Maggie our tour manager's been helping"
"That's all positive Liam, just keep working at it"
Liam really didn't want to go into anything else, he couldn't be bothered but he had to really
"How are you feeling in general Liam?"
"Well you know I still hate myself, I still think I'm useless and I don't see a point in anything but I still think I'm the best looking, the best singer, that I'm better than everyone else. Depressed and confident."
"So you're emotions are still all over the place. Have you felt suicidal? Wanted to hurt yourself?"
Liam knew he had to be careful answering that question. It probably wasn't a good idea to mention he nearly jumped off a hotel balcony while he had Katie or that he was still putting his cigarettes out on his arms. He had to be so careful now.
"I've been really down but I've been to busy to be suicidal do ya know what I mean plus I'm not drinking as much and avoiding drugs more"
He knew he'd broke the biggest rule for therapy, he'd lied. He felt a bit guilty but he had to protect himself and Katie. He had such a busy schedule with oasis coming up, he needed that to happen, he needed to be on tour, doing interviews etc he needed to be Liam Gallagher the rock star, that's who he was. He just had to survive the next couple of weeks, survive being alone with responsibilities. Prove he could do it, prove Noel wrong.
"I'll tell you what we'll arrange something for next week maybe you'll be in a more settled state and we can have a more constructive discussion, will you call to let me know when is best for you?"
Dr Thomas knew she wasn't going to get much more out of Liam, he was trying but he was so distracted, fidgety and a bit all over the place, it probably wasn't going to do him any good to talk right now.
"Ok, I will call, I promise. I'm sorry things have just been a bit hectic"
Dr Thomas left. Liam felt bad, he should have tried harder, she'd come all this way. He lit a cigarette and sat down, his bum had only just touched the seat when Katie began to cry
"Oh for fucks sake can I not at least have a smoke in peace"
It was like she knew he was about to relax and didn't want him too. He put the cigarette out, picked her and realised it was nappy charging time. So this was gonna be his life, shit, piss, sick and crying. What a fucking nightmare. On top of that he was doing it alone, just him and her all day and all night. He didn't know how many people would come over, if they would come over to help or check he was looking after her properly, he didn't have a clue where he stood with some people, would Noel and Meg just turn up and take Katie away, they might. He had to have a proper think about what's best for Katie, he had to make a plan on what's gonna happen with the press, if he should go public etc re Katie.
Though at this moment he didn't want to wake up in the morning, he didn't want to live. He'd lost any sense of normality years ago.
He took Katie through and put her in her cot, went to his bed, lay down and closed his eyes.