Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"I Don't Know Who Loves Me & I Don't Care, It's a Waste Anyway..."

A/N: SMALL mentions of dr*g addiction, self-harm, panic attack, and angst.

Listen To: "Anti-Romantic" by TomorrowXTogether
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"Ella Bella, I'm so happy that I found you!" She exclaims as the sound of her calling me that name makes my stomach churn. My mother would only be nice to me when it was convenient for her; I was always her 'Ella Bella' when she needed me to leave the house so she could entertain her countless male suitors who would provide her with drugs. I'd come back home from the library, where I'd be nearly every day until they closed, and she would be passed out on the couch.  No concept of care running through her mind; had her child eaten? Was her child safe? She didn't care about anyone as long as she got her high.

"El, look at me," I hear Namjoon say next to me. I turn to face him, unable to really speak. "Are you okay?" He asks me. I nod my head at him and bring my attention to the person on the phone.

"How did you get this number?" I say to her.

"I called your agency and they gave me the number to the company you work with. So I called them and I told them I was your mother and I needed to speak with you and they gave me this number," she responds. I'll talk to Sejin about making sure that this can't happen again; I know the staff didn't have bad intentions; they probably just thought they were helping my 'poor' mother.

"What do you want from me?" I respond.

"I just want to speak to you. I want to catch up and see what's become of you. I have so much to tell you," she tells me.

"It's been 18 years. Why now?" I ask.

"I know Ells, I know, but it's never too late to apologize and try again," she says to me and I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I know this isn't the right time. I need to process this and not act on impulse. I immediately think of Yoongi's Eomma and her words to me.; I think of her kind heart and her caring disposition. Maybe I'll video call her tomorrow and she can help me sort this out.

"I can't speak to you right now. I'm sorry. I need— I need time to process," I tell her. I can hear the tremble in my voice, giving away the weakness that I feel come over me. She's my mother; is shutting her out the right approach to this? Fuck, what am I saying? I feel my head spinning in confusion; my heart battling my mind.

"Okay Ella Bella, how about I call you back in a few days and we can talk a little more? What do you say, sweetheart?" She says to me in a tone that's so sweet that I feel like it's suffocating me.

"That's fine. Goodbye." I say.

"Goodbye honey," she says and I hang up.

As soon as I press the screen to end the call, I feel like my world is spinning. 18 years. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 18 years and now? Now she decides to come back and try? Why? Why now? I feel Namjoon's hand come up to my back and rub. His voice near my ear, low and grounding. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest is tight and my head is spinning.

"Breathe baby. Just breathe. Take nice long, deep breaths. You got it. Good job Jagiya. That's perfect," he coaches me through my breathing as I lean forward with my head in my hands as he rubs my back.

"We are almost home baby. Almost. And then I'm going to take care of you okay? I've got you. We've all got you," he continues.

I close my eyes and try and think calm and relaxing thoughts; breathing deeply like Joon is telling me. I've had abandonment issues my whole life because of this woman. I do take full accountability for my actions, of course but my emotional and mental hinderances all stem from her and the way she treated me. I've never in my life been open to willingly accept love because I could never grasp that it was real because it was never instilled in me. She is the reason that I'm broken and struggle. She is the reason why I question whether I'm worthy of love. She is the reason why I've always thought shitty, abusive relationships were normal up until now; because she was my only example. This is what she taught me; My detrimental self-worth, my ability to be loved, my self-loathing was all handed to me on a silver platter by this woman and now, 18 years later, she wants me back? Why?