Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"I Feel You With Every Burst Of Pain..."

Listen To: "Film Out" by BTS
—————————————————

"Shhhh, El-ssi. It's me. It's just me. You're okay, Shhh," I hear Hyun-Jin's voice as he has me pulled tightly against his body. My whole body thrashing against his; kicking as he lifts me off the ground. I feel like i''m unable to calm myself down from the immense fear and sheer anger I'm feeling. Tannie is trembling in my arms and yipping as he feels my fear.

"It's just me, El-Ah. I've got you. Let me take you the members, they're all waiting for you," he says to me. He keeps his arm around my shoulder as we walk down the street, to an unmarked black car. He opens the back door for me and Tannie and I get in. We are close to the house so we arrive within a few minutes. He opens that door for me and leads me inside the house. The first set of eyes I land on are Tae's. I hand him Tannie and run down the hall into the bathroom. I slam the door shut, lock it, and once again, empty the contents of my stomach into the white porcelain. I feel like someone has taken my guts and twisted them around.

After a few moments. I flush the toilet and rip my clothes off; I feel like I'm heavy; my chest tightening as I try and fill my lungs with air. I can't catch my breath and every article of clothing I'm wearing feels like it's suffocating me. Once i've stripped myself down to my bra and panties, I lean back against the bathtub, letting my head fall on the ledge. I hear the small knock on the door. I can't talk to them or see them right now. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted.

"I just— I need a few minutes, please" I say out loud. "I'm fine, I— I just need a few moments," I communicate. If therapy has taught me anything it's that I need to let them know how I'm choosing to process what I'm going through.

I feel like I'll never get used to this life; the life of constant scrutiny and eyes on us. I thought I was a strong person and I'll fight until the end for us, but when it's coming from every single angle, it's hard. I don't know why this guy is incessant on making me pay for the way I defended myself but what I do know is that I hate that I feel trapped. Like, walking on eggshells unable to be myself or do anything because I'm afraid of an instagram post, a media article, a person wanting to get revenge. I love my boyfriends more than anything in the whole world, but this life, it's rough. I don't know how they do it; I don't get even a minuscule fraction of the attention they get, and they deal with it so eloquently. I wish I could be that good, that amazing, but I can't. I'm weak. I'm stupid and I'm angry; why can't this asshole just leave me the fuck alone? Some people really can't seem to take rejection well.

I stay locked up in the bathroom until I feel like I've finally come down from my anxious, angry, and overwhelmed state of mind. My heart has stabilized and my breathing is normal. It seems as if it's only been a few minutes but when I look down at my watch, I realize it's been over an hour. I've been sitting on the bathroom floor for over an hour. I slowly pick myself off the ground and go to open the door.

As soon as it opens, I see them. A few of them sitting against the wall, others laying on the ground, their exhausted faces break my heart but every single one of them is outside, waiting. Proving, once again, that no matter what, they are always there for me. I stand at the door, looking at each of them. Jungkook is the first to notice me. He stands up and immediately wraps me in his arms, instantly warming my body up.

"Baby, you're going to get sick. Where are your clothes?" He asks me worriedly. The rest of them get up and start crowding around me. My arms are firmly around JK, suffocating him with my embrace but I just need to feel him; need to know that I'm safe and he's here.

"Felt like I couldn't breathe; had to take it off," I say to him. He pulls me tighter and move his arms to create friction and warmth on my body.

"-m sorry," I say to them as my eyes go around to meet each of theirs. "I just feel like I am so bad at this; I'm just so stupid. I make dumb choices and I don't know how to deal with the bad press, the awful people, the constant worrying about my safety. I just needed some time to process instead of running away and giving up, which is what I wanted to do; which is what I always do," I say to them.