Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"And I Will Try To Fix You..."

Listen To: 'Fix You' by Coldplay
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[please assume all conversations are in Korean unless otherwise stated]

"Eleanor," I hear him pleading behind the locked door. "Please let me in," he says as he knocks lightly on the door.

It's 6:00 am. I've lost count as to how many days it's been; 3? Maybe 4? I don't remember the last time I ate or the last time I spoke to anyone besides the funeral home who let me know that the body was cremated and mailed to me. I don't remember the last time I saw daylight. I don't remember the last time I felt anything other than empty. The pain in my chest makes me feel heavy and dark and the ache in my heart makes me feel useless.

"Go away Jungkook," I mumble out as I roll over in bed, throwing the blankets over my head.

"Please," he begs. "I just need to make sure you're okay. Please eat some food, please drink something. You are going to get sick. Please, talk to me baby. Please," he finishes and I can hear the tremble in his voice.

There's no point. Nothing they could do or say could ever convince me that it isn't my fault. I ruin everything single person I meet; every person I've loved. She'd been calling me for days and I kept ignoring her. I could have saved her. There's a knock on the door again.

The knocks are spread out throughout the day but they're consistent. They go to work but someone is always here; Ae-Cha, Hyun-Jin, Sejin. And when they're back from work, they take turns, knocking and begging to be let in. I can't face them. I just can't. I don't deserve their love, their empathy, their pity. I knew that sooner or later this would happen. They trusted me with their love; their hearts and their souls and I am incapable of not hurting them. I'm selfish.

My phone has rung off the hook. My new assistant started the day after this happened and I'm sure he's had a field day trying to understand what in the actual fuck is happening. He rescheduled the jobs he was able to and send my second shooter to the things he wasn't able to reschedule. Chan has called me more times than I can even fathom; countless voicemails pleading with me to call him back, to tell him what happened, to reassure him I'm okay. Yuta, Lucas and Johnny have also called. Taeyong's text tone comes multiple times a day. All sending me their condolences and telling me they're praying for me. Emails from Peter, Eunwoo, and so many others piled up in my inbox. I have zero desire to speak to anyone. It's pointless.

Prayers won't help. Nothing will. She's dead. And it's all my fault. If only I would have answered the phone. If only I wasn't so selfish, putting my own happiness before hers, she would be alive right now. And it's only a matter of time before I do something to break them too. I don't deserve them.

I close my eyes and the nightmares come. The same one, every time I sleep. I'm running and I'm leaving everyone behind, including her. They all disappear and I'm alone. Seems like I'm destined for it.

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I open my eyes again at the sound of more knocking. I look at the clock on my bed; 9:00 pm and another day gone.

"Baby girl," I hear his voice. He sounds tired. What's new though? I fuck everyone in my life up. "Baby, please let me see you. Just let me in so that I can make sure that you're doing well. I just want to make sure you're okay," he asks me.

"I'm fine, Jin. Just leave me alone," I say into the darkness.

"Don't do this to me Eleanor. Please, don't push me away. Please, just let me in. Let me help you, please baby,"

"Why do you bother? Can't you see? I am breaking you. I'm no good for you. Stop loving me; you don't deserve the pain I bring you," I say as I turn over.