Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"I Hope I Love You All My Life..."

Listen To:  "If You're Not the One" by Daniel Beddingfield
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[Please, assume all conversations are in Korean]
[TW: Mentions of body dysmorphia, ED's, Trauma, Mental Health. If any of these topics are triggering, please skip this chapter.]

"Want to order room service before you leave?" A sleepy Taehyung whispers against my neck and his arms wrap around my waist, breathing me in. I flinch and cringe slightly as his fingers touch the bare skin of my soft belly under my blouse.

I'm up early, getting ready for my fitting with Nouvelle Mariee this morning. I'm dreading it; more than anything else. I feel absolutely disgusting. I've never quite felt this bad before and I don't know what tripped things but what I do know is I can't walk the runway of Seoul's biggest and most amazing Bridal designer looking and feeling the way I do now.

"No. I need to go soon. I have the fitting and then I have a meeting at SM for 127's repackage" I tell him. I hear him let out a groan of disapproval.

"I wish you could stay here with me. Yesterday was amazing," he says to me. It was, it was absolutely amazing, up until the moment that I felt so overcome with disgust in myself that I had to do something I never thought I'd do, just to feel some sort of relief. I woke up this morning feeling empty, in more ways than one.

I go back into the room,  get all my things together so that Tae can take my stuff home and then get my bag, my laptop and tablet and then turn around to face Taehyung.

"I'll see you at home?" I say to him. He walks to me, wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me in to kiss me. I feel butterflies in my belly, I love him so much.

"I can't wait. Be careful today okay? Call me if you need anything," he says protectively. I smile and nod at him. I hug him quickly then turn around, grab my things and make my way out the door.

I head to the Nouvelle Mariee's studio where I'm going to have the fitting and it's only a 5 minute Uber from the hotel so I get there in no time. I meet the creative director and she leads me straight to the glam room where the hair and makeup artist immediately start a test run of the look they will be doing on everyone. It only takes around 20 minutes but when I look in the mirror I see a different person. They've done my hair in a slicked back, low bun. It looks sleek and timeless. My makeup is light and bright and they've highlighted the high points of my face to make me look like I'm glowing. It's beautiful.

They then shuffle me into the large studio space where the walls are covered in mirrors. They usher me into the fitting room and the assistant comes in with the first gown. It's a stunning fitted, mermaid cut gown with a lace overlay and beautiful silk flowers along the bodice. The moment they put it on me, I notice the zipper barely zips and my whole face turns bright red with embarrassment. The assistant leads me to the mirrored room where the seamstress comes in to make sure everything fits perfectly.

I look in the mirror and can't help but cringe at how I look. I look over at the girl next to me. Tall, lean, beautiful. The exact opposite of me. I look at the older ladies and the way they fuss over me, smiles on their faces. I catch the eyes of the designer standing behind myself and the other 2 girls looking in the mirror and being picked at. The assistant tells me to come back and I go into the dressing room, carefully step out of the gown and put on the second gown. Similarly, I go back out, they check the measurements and fuss over me and then I'm told that I'm done and I go back to change into my clothes.

When I finish changing, I sit on the bench and try and calm myself down. I feel like I'm about to let so many people down. I want nothing more than for these dresses to look as beautiful as they are but I feel like with the way I look, I won't be doing them justice. My arms are flabby, my stomach is round and poochy, and my face is puffy and swollen. I take a deep breath and try and come up with ways that I can try and tone up my arms and flatten my belly as fast as possible. I pull out my phone, google 'diets that give results in less than a week' and quickly glance over the suggestions, making a mental note of what I needed to do. As I walk out, I bump into the designer and the coordinator of the show. I bow at them and thank them again for the opportunity. They smile at me and I try and read their emotions, wondering if they're as disappointed in me as I am.