Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"It's A Beautiful Life..."

Listen To: "Beautiful" by Crush
———————————————-
[Please, assume all conversations are in Korean]

"Eleanor? El? You okay?" I hear his voice, so far far away. I shake my head to pull me from my daydream and finally focus my eyes on the voice  in front of me.

"Sorry Channie," I say to him and smile.

"Are you nervous about today?" Hyunjin asks as his hand opens in the center of the table and motions for mine. I smile at him and let my hand fall into his, his fingers wrapping around my hand; making me feel safe even if he doesn't realize it. 

"I am," I tell him.

"You've been working so hard these last few days," Chan tells me. I know he's just saying that because he's a supportive and loving friend, not because they know of the emotional, mental and physical turmoil I've been experiencing for the last week.

I have yet to go back home. I've been at the AirBnB for the last week, working on myself and doing extensive therapy to help heal the trauma that my life has left me with. I'm no where near done, no where near where I want to be, but I'm better than I was a week ago and that feels like a win.

I haven't seen or spoken to any of my boyfriends and I can say with full certainty that it has been torture. I decided to take a full step back and really focus on getting better. I had the therapist reach out to them to know so they wouldn't be left in the dark but doing it this way gave me the chance to do all the work I needed to do. As much as I want to say that I'm doing it for them because they deserve better, I know now that this isn't for them, it's for me. I can see it now; I took a step back and realized, I was sabotaging my own life.

I've realized quite a few things in my week of in depth reflection and self-assurance. 1) I deflect. A lot. I never want to face things as they come and always push them aside and tell myself I'll deal with them later. 2) I think I'm invincible. I'll do anything to shield those around me, sparing anyone I love from harm all while simultaneously shutting them out from my life and not allowing them in enough to help me when I really need it. 3) I overstep and project. I always assume people's feelings, instead of listening and trusting in what they tell me. I don't give people the space or energy to cultivate their own feelings about me because I assume and assign on my own; never thinking that I would be worthy of someone else's love and affection. So, to say that I have things to work on, is an understatement. I'm a fucking mess.

To a certain extent, I did feel selfish; taking the time away from them to focus 100% on me and my mental health and my emotions. But that motion, in and of itself, was one of the destructive traits I need to drop. The complete self-deprivation and belief that I'm unworthy was the most toxic of all traits.  There's is absolutely nothing wrong with me putting myself first; they were going blue in the face telling me that but I'd never listen. Along with my therapist, I've also been seeing a Psychiatrist; doing intensive work on how to change the dangerous and unhealthy mechanisms I've built within myself due to my trauma. Then on top of that, I've been seeing a food therapist who has helped me understand and start to learn to cope with my body dysmorphia and food issues that stem from long term narcissistic abuse.

So, to sum it up, I'm fucked up but I'm working so hard to get better.

I think about them all day, everyday. I miss the tiny things that I didn't realize I appreciated so much, until I didn't have them. The way Seokjin always makes sure the car always has a full tank of gas or how Hobi never let's me take a shower without having a fresh towel hanging on the towel warmer. I miss the way Jungkook would sing to me when I was having trouble getting to sleep; the way Jimin always makes sure that the vase in my bedroom never goes without fresh flowers. Taehyung always makes sure my phone is charged and plugs it in if I fall asleep. Yoongi always makes sure my favorite fruit is stocked in the fridge and Namjoon always, always makes sure that there is a day off on my schedule. It's only been a week but I wonder if they miss me; wonder if they're thinking about me too.