Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"Even If Many Nights Pass, I'll Be By Your Side..."

Listen To: "Stay Alive" By Jungkook Produced by Suga
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[assume conversations with Yoongi's Eomma are in Korean]

I spend the next few days trying to crawl my way back to a life of normalcy; getting out of bed, answering the phone, responding to text messages, and just getting out of bed. Mrs. Min is by my side the whole time. She tells me that this isn't my fault; 'how could you know?' She'd ask me. She tells me that asking her to get clean wasn't unreasonable or selfish and that just because people around me have left, doesn't mean that it was because of my actions. 

"The people that have left, didn't deserve you. That was the universe's way of cleansing you and your life of the negativity. It hurts and you're allowed to feel the hurt but don't ever think that feeling that hurt means that it's a bad thing. Them exiting your life has left you space for the good; the ability to love harder and purer," she explains to me as she holds my hands and watches me break down.

I see my therapist and she also helps put things into perspective for me. It's nice to have someone from an outside outlook shed light on what's happened. She let's me know that it's normal for me to feel guilt and resentment and to blame myself but there isn't anything I could have done. She tells me that my ultimatum for my mother was in fact, my way of helping her and the fact that my mother denied that help doesn't mean that I could have done more to save her. But, she also tells me that my coping mechanism of self-sabotage has to stop; because at the end of the day, it's that that is causing me more pain over anything else.

I'll never let go of the hope I had to have a relationship with my mother. As much as I was hurt at her choice to not get clean and take the help that I offered her, I still held on to that dream of a life where she was involved. So losing her not only broke my heart because through it all she was my mother and she gave me life, but the hope was also dead and I think that that, more than anything, is what hurt the most.

Day by day, I see the light; the silver lining of each day. I take a step back and realize that the way I'm dealing with my pain, needs to change.  Yoongi's Eomma and my therapist help me see that; and they both assist me with ways on how to be able to deal with pain and trauma in the future without assuming that I have no worth and am not worthy of love; each day is a little bit easier. I decide to start scheduling things out. It's Thursday and I tell Taek to go ahead and start scheduling me to work on Saturday. I don't think I'll ever be completely the same, but I can try and I want to. I miss my every day life. Taek has been a lifesaver. He's taken on the role of personal assistant like he was made for it. I'm very thankful for him.

My room is filled with flowers; a reminder of how loved I actually am. It put things into perspective for me to see it all;  bouquets of sunflowers from Si-Hyuk-nim, a vase filled with lily's and peonies from Sejin and the other managers, a beautiful arrangement of irises from Ae-Cha, roses from Chan, tulips from Johnny, Taeyong, Yuta, and the rest of NCT, wildflowers from Eunwoo, fruit baskets from Taehyung and Seokjin's families. I feel bad that I pushed them away but grateful for each of them.

Then there are the other things that have been brought in; a small selection of books of poetry from Namjoon, a new Switch with a few games from Seokjin, a beautiful beaded bracelet made by Hoseok, a laptop filled music picked for me from Yoongi, a basket of face masks, lotions and bubble bath from Jimin, an assortment of vinyl records from Taehyung, and on my nightstand, my leather bound 'Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours' notebook with letters from the last 11 days written by Jungkook.

Yoongi's Eomma is out running some errands to make dinner for the guys so I have some alone time. I open the laptop from Yoongi and the first thing I see on the desktop is a file that says "Eleanor" and another file that says "READ". I double click on the audio file and it opens in his default application, then I open the other file to see what seems to be lyrics for what i'm about to listen to. I place my earbuds in and click the play button. I'm instantly hit with a haunting melody of a guitar strum and Jungkook's voice echoing throughout the bars of music, encompassing my whole being. His voice is pleading, gasping and emotive; it's beautiful. I'm assuming Yoongi produced it because it has the very essence of him embedded into every aspect of the sound; stirring, evocative, poignant. I get so lost in the sound and in JK's voice that I don't even hear the lyrics until the last line of the chorus that rocks me to my very core;