The Runt of the Litter

Sometimes I Think About Dying

Note: Hey, loves <3  I'm fresh out of the mental hospital and I wrote this chapter before I went, so it's... sad. By that I mean very painful to read, and I am issuing a major -

TRIGGER WARNING for suicidal ideation. The thoughts described are pretty graphic, and they're realistic because I've struggled with this a lot. (clearly, since i just finished my grippy sock vacation)

Please please please do not read if it will trigger you. I know from personal experience that ignoring a trigger warning for this particular subject can send a person into a spiral or a panic attack and it just ain't fun. If you want a summary of the chapter, I'm more than happy to send you one. Take care of yourselves <3

this chapter references the rick and morty episode "meeseeks and destroy" and the TØP song "not today" 

Thank you so much for being the sweetest people on the planet, I so appreciate all the votes and comments :)

Anna is sixteen in this chapter.

Sometimes I Think About Dying

No sooner had she woken up than Anna wanted to go to sleep. She didn't have the energy to even roll onto her back or lift her hand. Her body and mind were both so tired that it was a wonder she was conscious at all. But just like always, her insomnia was claiming a victory. It was unfair.

Anna's eyes rested at half-mast, burning with exhaustion and agitated by tears. She felt so heavy, her limbs pressed warm against her bedsheets, blankets tangled around her legs. The strings to the hoodie she'd fallen asleep wearing were pressed under her cheek. She wanted to sleep, but she closed her eyes and found screams behind her eyelids.

She grit her teeth, lips pressed together, the corners of her mouth turning down just slightly. She didn't have the strength to lift her own arm or even to scrunch her face up. She didn't understand it. How was it possible to be so sad and tired that your body couldn't express the sad anymore, not even by instinct?

On her nightstand, her phone began to buzz, tapping softly against wood with every vibration.

I don't know why, Tyler Joseph sang from the speaker.

I just feel I'm better off

Staying in the same room

I was born in

I look outside

And see a whole world

Better off

Without me in it

Trying to transform it

Anna closed her eyes, squeezed them shut against the threat of tears. She wanted to press her fingers to her eyelids and force the sadness to stay behind them. But she stayed still, and the salt-water founds its way through the tiniest gap, soaking her eyelashes and remaining there.

It was too early in the morning to cry. She was too tired to cry.

There was a gentle knock on the door before it swung partway open, and Sam poked his head in. "Anna, your alarm-" He stopped talking and frowned.

Anna wished she'd fallen asleep facing the other direction. Then he wouldn't have been able to see her face. As it were she had to find the strength to lift one of her hands toward her face and wipe tears away from her eyes with her thumb. She didn't want to talk. She wasn't even sure that she could talk. She wanted to be alone and quiet and sad.

Sam came in, though, and he crouched down at the head of her bed. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked gently. He placed a gentle hand on the side of her head, tucking her hair behind her ear.