Not Me

CHAPTER TEN

"Kanina ka pa tahimik. May sakit ka ba?" Tonton asked while we were eating.

"Sakit agad?" Tanong ko. Funny how he already jumped to that conclusion kahit wala naman akong ibang ginawa maliban sa paghiga sa kama.

"Ang tamlay mo kasing tignan." He defended himself. He was about to shrug it off nang parang may maisip siyang bigla. "Oh my God! Humopia ka, 'no? Tapos hindi mo pala bet."

I was confused. Hindi ko siya naintindihan sa sinabi niyang 'yon.

"Anong humopia? Is that even a verb?" I curiously asked him. I can't recall encountering that word in our Filipino lessons.

"Hopia... Ano... Hope... Wish?" Pati siya, hindi alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ang sinabi niyang 'yon. "Gosh! Seryoso bang hindi mo alam? Lahat ng sinasabihan ko niyan, gets naman nila."

"Sorry na. Probinsyano nga, 'di ba?" I made myself a joke. Mas maganda nang ganoon kaysa sabihin ko sa kanyang I don't know anything about my generation's language dahil sanay akong puro pulitiko ang kasama.

"Shocks. Sorry. Ang insensitive na naman." He felt bad. Hindi ko naman mabawi kasi baka kung saan na mapunta ang usapan namin at maungkat ang mga ayaw kong pag-usapan.

"Ayos lang." I assured him.

He became silent for a while. Alam kong nakokonsensya siya ngayon pero kung meron mang dapat talagang makonsensya ngayon, ako 'yon.

"Hindi mo pa ako sinasagot pala! Ano? Humopia ka nga?" Balik nito sa tanong kanina. "Pero ang weird. Gwapo si kuya, ah? Ang taas naman ng standards mo kung nadisappoint ka doon."

"I'm just..... not into him." Another lie I had to tell.

Pakiramdam ko, napakasama kong tao dahil wala na akong sinabing tama. I had to hide everything but it's not my plan after all. Akala ko, madali lang maging ibang tao kapag nasa ibang mundo na ako pero hindi pala.

"Okay... That was a lie." Bawi ko sa sinabi ko. "In fact, everything was a lie."

He suddenly gave me that puzzled look na halatang hindi naiintindihan ang sinabi ko.

"Ano?" Hindi niya napigilang itanong.

I took a deep breath before starting. Sigurado na ba ako sa gagawin ko? Hindi ko rin alam.

"Everything that I told you was a lie - at least, most of it kung meron mang naging totoo." There, I said it. There's no holding back from this moment on. "I'm sorry if I didn't tell you the truth immediately. Akala ko kasi, kaya ko. Akala ko, nasa bagong mundo na ako na kaya kong itago kung sino ako." I paused for a while.

"Ano ka? Anak ng Mafia Boss kaya kailangang itago identity tapos mafafall ako sa 'yo tapos lalayo ka kasi hindi pwede dahil sasaktan ako?" Natatawang sabi nito. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling 'yon but it seems like something I should get, but I don't. "Sorry. Pero hindi ko kasi gets ano 'yung sinasabi mo. Ano bang tinatago mo?"

A while ago, I was so sure of telling him my truth. Ngayong tinanong niya na, suddenly, I held back.

Bakit hindi ko kayang magpakatotoo?

"I was just... ah... testing you." I lied again.