Not Me

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

"Jake -" I don't know what to say.

Nakakakonsensyang lagi ko na lang siyang nasasaktan even in ways I did not intend to.

"Sometimes, I wish I could be as carefree as you. Ang dali siguro kapag wala kang pake kung nakakasakit ka ng tao." He uttered - his pain, so obvious that despite the anger or disgust showing on his face, still managed to show through his breathing. "Funny... kasi despite me wanting to be mad at you kasi wala ka nang ibang alam na gawin kundi saktan ako, here I am thinking that you need my comfort because someone bullied you. Well, this may hurt but I guess you really deserved to be bullied." First time that he did not try to filter what he wanted to say. And maybe I deserved it - the bully and his words. Ganoon nga yata ako kasama.

"Jacob-" I was about to apologize when he raised his hand to stop me. He smiled bitterly then walked away.

Savage. He really ended me with his words and action without allowing me to apologize and I guess that hurts more than the apology itself. That's how bad he hates me now.

"Okay ka lang?" Val asked. There, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and cried in front of him.

And I'm glad I'm with someone I trust right now. Ang hirap nang pigilan ng emosyon ko and I think I need to let it out this time.

I shook my head to tell him I'm not okay and continued crying. He didn't say anything. No judgment, no lecturing of how wrong my action was. Instead, he embraced me. Too tight that I felt secure that no one can hurt me for as long as I'm in that hug.

I don't know how long I lasted inside his warm embrace. I appreciate that he remained silent because I needed to let it out without validating the reason why I cried kasi hindi ko rin kayang depensahan ang sarili ko.

And maybe, I don't need to.

"Ice cream?" He softly asked when I separated from that hug. I saw him genuinely smiling - not minding that I look so fucked up because of crying.

"That's for someone who deserves comforting. I don't." I answered kasi totoo naman. If there is something I deserve right now, it's pain.

"E sino bang nagset ng standard para malaman if someone deserves comforting or not? Kasi sa nakikita ko, you need comfort. Nagkamali ka, nakasakit ka, inacknowledge mo and that's the reason why you're hurting. For me, you deserve comfort after all." He validated me and once again, I cried. And he's right. I'm hurting too. "Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, sidekick mo ako. Ikaw 'yung bida sa kwento 'to. And I think, this should be a reminder for you na ang mga bida, nagkakamali rin. Nakakasakit din. Pero hindi ka masamang tao."

"You're not sure about that. Saglit mo pa lang akong kilala." I contradicted him kasi hindi ko na rin alam kung mabuti ba talaga akong tao.

"Saglit pa lang kitang kilala pero lahat ng alam ko, mahal ko na."

I froze when he said those words. I don't know how to respond. I don't even know how to take it.

"Ha?" I responded to make him clarify that statement.

Parang hindi ko pa yata kayang tumanggap ng pagmamahal ngayon.

"As a friend! May sidekick na bang nafall sa bida?"