Not Me

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

"If you think na okay sa aking nakikita ka, then you're wrong." I bravely confronted him to break our silence. "I'm through that phase. Hinayaan ko noon kasi alam kong magkikita at magkikita pa rin tayo for as long as we are staying on the same province - much more that we go to the same school. Sabi mo nga, destiny na ang nagdikta. We go to the same university but not on the same college. Hindi rin tayo pareho ng dorm. Destiny na 'yung naglayo sa ating dalawa. So, please. If you're hoping for our comeback dahil kinausap kita the first time that we saw each other here, again, you're wrong. I needed to talk to you. Naramdaman ko na ring madalas tayong magkikita kaya kinailangan kitang pangunahan that time. 'Yun lang 'yon at hanggang doon lang 'yon."

I didn't break our eye contact. Ayaw kong ipakita sa kanyang talo ako kasi hindi naman talaga.

But the thing that struck me the most is confirming that Tonton was right. I really am that angry. The thing is, addressing my anger doesn't even help. I didn't feel lighter.

"Tapos ka na?" He asked. His voice sounded so hurt with what I've said pero hindi ko hahayaang maapektuhan ako noon. "You know it's unfair. You're unfair. Sabi mo, it's just about our families. Tangina, I tried to understand no matter how illogical it was for me. Kaya naman pala parang may galit ka. You should've told me instead. Hindi 'yung dinaan mo sa tula."

I was surprised. Nabasa niya na yata 'yung tula because he seems to know what he was saying. And it's confusing me. Bakit parang siya pa 'yung naapi kung makapagsalita siya?

"Hindi naman kasi dapat kita kausapin pa." I didn't hesitate to tell him.

"And that's your problem. You concluded something kahit na wala ka namang alam." I can hear his anger but his eyes tell me that he's hurting. Mas lalo akong naguluhan.

"Sige nga. Ano bang dapat kong alam? Ano bang dapat kong nalaman noon? Would it make a difference kung nalaman ko 'yang sinasabi mong wala akong alam?" Still, I said trying to sound brave kahit na sa loob-loob ko, gusto ko na ring umiyak. Sa galit, sa sakit, sa lahat ng pinaramdam niya noon.

"It was Cheska, right?" He asked. I didn't bother to answer him kasi alam niya namang si Cheska lang 'yon unless may iba pa. "It should be Cheska kasi wala naman akong ibang binigyan ng bulaklak maliban sa kanya. And you know why I did? Kasi she made me feel like I was appreciated when you couldn't even do it dahil natatakot ka sa sasabihin ng iba. I gave her flowers kasi that's the only thing I can do to make her feel that I was thankful. That I was sorry kasi hindi ko mababalik 'yung nararamdaman niya sa akin kasi ikaw lang 'yung mahal ko. Xander, sinaktan ko 'yung taong nagmamahal sa akin kasi mahal kita and this is what I got from you."