Not Me

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I couldn't stop crying. Remembering what we had, what we were and thinking of what we could've been breaks my heart. Napakadaming what ifs na tumatakbo sa utak ko ngayon pero wala akong magawa because everything happened because of me.

If only I had the courage to ask.

Suddenly, I turned into my own biggest enemy. Galit ako sa sarili ko kasi kasalanan ko pala lahat. Nasaktan ako kasi hindi ako nagtanong - pinili kong hindi magtanong.

But then, I remembered what he said before we officially called it over.

"Sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa."

He was hopeful. He wanted us to happen once more kung magkakaroon ako ng lakas ng loob para lumaban ulit.

I don't know. I wanted to remind him that. I wanted to tell him na pwede na ulit - na handa na ako... na lalaban na ako... na hindi na ako matatakot.

Pero sino ba ako to ask for that?

I didn't even give him the chance to explain himself.

Sa totoo lang, dapat tanggap ko na. Dapat wala na lang 'to sa 'kin. But everything that's running on my mind right now is killing me.

I was in the middle of my crying when my phone suddenly vibrates. A chat from Val.

'Ang sarap yata maglugaw ngayon, 'no?'

I didn't realize that I was staring at his message for too long already until he sent another message.

'Nye? Ang tagal mo namang typing! Nakagawa ka na ba ng tula tungkol sa lugaw?'

He made me laugh. He always know how to make me laugh.

'Anuna? Ayaw mo? Seen ka lang dyan?'

Funny because that's really his way of inviting - always indirect.

'Oo na! 5 minutes.'

I don't want him to see how red my eyes turned because of crying. I don't even know if maaalis ba ang pagkapula ng mga mata ko but I tried my best to fix myself.

Naghilamos ako at binasa ang mga mata ko hoping na maaalis nito ang pula sa mga mata ko. Somehow, gumaan naman tignan. Hindi na halatang galing ako sa iyak.

I brought my wallet and ID with me dahil sa loob ako ng university dadaan. Gabi na kaya delikado kung sa labas pa ako dadaan. Wala pang ilaw masyado sa Lacson kaya nakakatakot subukan.

Nagulat ako dahil sa dami ng taong pwede kong makita sa university, si Jake pa. Hindi pa rin pala sya umuuwi. Siguro, galing na siya o papunta pa lang sa inuman - something that I thought of doing pero nahihiya akong umiyak mag-isa sa inuman.

I don't know how long I've been staring at Jake until someone tapped my shoulders.

"Sabi ko na, hindi mo ako hinintay sa lobby." Bungad ni Val sa akin.

My mind needs to breathe right now. Hindi healthy na nasasaktan na nga ako emotionally, hindi pa ako maayos mag-isip.

But can I really think clearly if my emotions are too powerful right now?

"Sorry. Akala ko didiretso na sa lugawan." I answered.

"Sinungaling. Ni hindi mo nga alam kung saan 'yung lugawan."