No Authority [Alexis McMahon]

[38]- Used

//Alex//

Leaning on the wall staring into the darkness. My mind had stopped replaying the replaying every memory i had with Matt. I feel so different, like seeing him was like getting hit by a truck over and over again. I don't know what the feeling is or how to make it stop. Was it because I still love Matt? Was it because I hated him more now? Maybe the latter. Probably.

I think it's because I've spent all this time repressing my heartbreak -partying and doing something all the time whether it was good or bad- I haven't actually healed from it. What if my "feelings" for Dolph or Dean is just another distraction.

This whole situation is confusing and most of it is my fault anyway. I let Dean in. I kissed Dolph. I went on a date with him already. I got myself in this mess with my mother. And now, Matt, the ex.

All these points, all these things that add to it, right now I am confused with my own feelings, was my decision justified or was it a wrong one. All while I put up this act for the fans, they see me as a Diva that makes her own rules, does her own thing, everything I said out there pleased each and every one of them. It's exhausting. I'm a mess -as usual- and I don't know what to do. I would talk to Melanie about this but she is going through something and I'm not even there to help her.

I'm a bad friend, she needs me and I'm here dating guys, seeing my ex and acting like an idiot. Oh my gosh. I am a terrible friend, what kind of friend leaves her best one high and dry in a time of need-

"Alexis?" His voice startles me, cutting me off from my inner degrading.

"Oh hell no." I scoff pushing off the wall.

"Look I just want to talk." Matt grabs my arm, pulling me back to look at him.

I can see the red mark on his face from when I slapped him, which not gonna lie did give me satisfaction.

"Well I don't." I retort.

"Alexis, it wasn't supposed to go down this way." He sighs.

"Right, so Stephanie didn't bring you here in hopes to humiliate me." I fold my arms.

"I..well yes-"

"Then that's all I need to know." I go to leave again but he grabs me harder keeping a grip on both my arms.

"Matt, let me go." I glare at him.

"Look you need to listen to me first. Okay, please." He begs with pleading eyes. He seems desperate for me to hear him out. So with a sigh I look at him with an expression for him to start talking.

"Okay good well first I want to say you look beautif-"

"You got five minutes, no bullshit." I cut him off.

He gulped, "Right. I want to make things right with you, what i did to you was so stupid, I let go of a diamond and went for a coin."

He let's go of my arms and I step back, he tries to come forward but I put my hand telling him no.

"I really just want to make things right with you." He sighs. "What I did back then, it was stupid, it was idiotic and I lost the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world because of it." His voice was filled with sorrow, like if these words were on his mind, like if he meant what he was saying, but his eyes told a different story, his eyes still looked mischievous, like how he was in the ring, it looked like he was really thinking 'what a sucker this girl is for believing me' and maybe thats what he thinks. But it isn't what I think.

"If you wanted to make things right between us, why'd you do all that stuff, and say all those things to me?" I ask.

"Because that- it means nothing." He says.