Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

eighteen

I sat in between Enjolras' legs, my back against his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head as he trailed his fingers up and down my arm softly. My mind had been very busy since the update about our revolution. We were hours away from risking our lives for the people of France. Hours away from uncertainty. I sighed softly and looked ahead at the wall, my eyes refusing to close. If I slept, the possibility of someone I care for dying is nearer.

"Cinth," Enjolras mumbled. His hand stopped moving and found my hand, which he immediately took. I hummed in response, pulling his hand closer to my stomach. "I know you're going to hate this but I don't want you going tomorrow."

"You what?" I sat up straight and turned around to face him.

"I can't let you risk your life on that barricade."

"I want to."

"I know you do, and I admire that. But I need you to be safe," he said. I shook my head at him.

"No. This is my one chance to prove I am more than what I've been told my entire life."

He stared at me. I had never once mentioned how much being a part of this revolution meant to me. Only Marius truly knew and I think that's why he pulled me into it. He had seen it all first hand. I sighed and turned myself all the way around so I could properly face him.

"All my life I've been told all I'll ever be is a wife. A mother. I'd been filled with all these words about how I couldn't do anything and I'd never equate to anything unless I married well. Now I know I can do more. I have done more. I have wanted to make change since I was a child and now I have the chance to. Let me do this. I need to see this through or else I will never let myself live it down."

He stayed silent for a moment, placing a hand on the side of my face. I stared into his eyes and waited for him to speak. Even if he told me not to, I'd go anyway. I can't abandon what I believe in. It's not right. He took a breath and shook his head slightly.

"Swear to me you'll stay safe," he said.

"I will try my best."

He pulled me into his chest and held onto me. I shifted and sat with my legs over his right leg and rested my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I prayed this wouldn't be our last moment. That we'd still have so much time together after the revolution. But I couldn't shake that awful gut feeling that had resurfaced. I tried to live in the moment. Tried not to even think about what tomorrow would bring. But my mind kept racing back to the idea of everyone dying at the hands of those who refuse to help those in need.

"I love you," Enjolras whispered, wrapping his arms tighter around my body.

"I love you more," I responded. Silence entered the room again and we just sat together. I was trying to take note of the way his arms felt around me. That feeling wouldn't go away no matter how many times I tried to push it down. It kept coming back, worse than before. I felt sick as my stomach twisted in knots as my mind taunted me. I sighed, putting a hand on Enjolras' arm to ground myself.

"What's wrong?" he asked. My response came almost immediately and it was like I didn't even have time to process what I would say. It just fell out of my mouth.

"What if one of us doesn't make it out?" I mumbled, not wanting to say it any louder in case I was wishing it into the world. He didn't say anything. I knew he didn't know how to respond. Both of us knew the risk going into this. Up until this point I was ready to die on the barricade but now? Now I had more to live for. I still had the willingness to die for this revolution but I couldn't bear the idea of only one of us walking away from that barricade.

"You have a promise to keep," he said. I looked at my hand, the ring he had given me serving as a reminder. I smiled to myself.

"I know. But what about you?"

"Who else is going to make sure you keep your promise?"

I closed my eyes and kept myself as close to him as I could. The horrible feeling was morphing into something terrifying. This God Awful feeling that maybe I'm reaching the end of my time. Maybe this was how it was supposed to end. I tried to shake the feeling off. I turned my attention to his hands on me and how I could hear his heart beating. But it only muffled it.

"We'll be okay," he whispered, placing a kiss on the top of my head.

After an hour, I started to feel the tiredness take over. I was finding it harder and harder to keep my eyes open. So I gave in. I let my eyes shut.

After a moment, I felt Enjolras shift. Then I was laying on my back, a blanket pulled over me. But he was no longer there. I opened my eyes and saw him at the door, his hand on the handle. In that specific moment all I wanted was him. All I needed was him. I sat up, making him turn around. We made eye contact immediately.

"Stay with me," I mumbled, tilting my head to the side. He nodded and let go of the handle, walking back toward me.

He climbed into the bed and laid down beside me, wrapping an arm around me as I laid my head on his chest. I listened to him breathing and rested a hand on his chest, tracing shapes to help myself fall asleep. He rubbed my side and I soon felt the tiredness again. I knew this was the last time we'd have a peaceful moment for a while and it pained me. I dozed off, my eyes closing as I felt the warmth of his body so close to mine.

He was all that mattered.