Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

twenty three

A few days had passed and the pain had not lessened. I left her bag exactly where she left it, all her dresses still packed inside as if she would wake up next to me and put one on, like she did before.

I sat in my bed, fidgeting with a necklace in my hand as a knock sounded on the front door. I sighed and shoved the necklace into my pocket before pushing myself up off the bed. I walked slowly to the door, my leg still prohibiting me from walking normally, as the knock sounded again.

I pulled the door open and met eyes with Marius and a girl. She smiled at me as Marius grabbed my shoulder.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, trying to study his eyes.

"Cosette thinks it a good idea for us to go to the café. To try to grieve," he said. I looked at the girl with a confused look as she nodded.

"It might help you both come to terms in some way with what happened. I'm not suggesting it will make all your pain go away, but it may help."

In my head I wanted to say no. I knew how being in that place again would make me feel. I knew I would barely be able to handle it. But Marius looked at me and I could tell he felt the same way. So, against my judgement, I agreed.

Cosette smiled warmly and took Marius' arm. The small action made my heart scream as she leaned her head on his shoulder. I balled my fist up and tried not to look.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

We walked slowly, accommodating both Marius and I's injuries. That I was thankful for.

The walk seemed to take ages. I used to walk this path ready to see a beaming group of boys who were willing to risk it all for equal treatment for all people. I used to walk this path with ideas blazing in my head only to get them shot down and replanned by a stubborn girl with ginger hair.

The building soon came into view and my heart stopped. My legs got heavier as I forced myself to walk forward next to Marius. He. took a sharp breath and we came closer to where the barricade sat days ago. To where we watched Gavroche die. To where we sang as a group in our last moments together. 

Marius grabbed my arm as we walked up to the door. He opened it and walked inside. Cosette followed but as we walked up the stairs she stopped. I looked down at the ground as we came to the top. I didn't want to look. Marius sat down in a chair and I stood by the window, leaning on the frame. My eyes wandered to the spot I last saw her.

She was bloody and weak. Her eyes were filled with tears and her hair was messed up from the amount of times the guards had pulled her entire body up with just her hair. I took a shaky breath as I remembered the look of acceptance in her eyes as she smiled at me for the last time. The way she barely moved when they pushed her down. The shallow breaths she took before she was gone from the world. It all flooded back like a wave and wouldn't go away.

I looked toward the center and there she was again, smiling with everyone else as they danced around Marius. All I could see was their shadows, an echo of what once was.

Tears pricked my eyes as Marius looked at me, a tear sliding down his cheek.

"There's a grief that can't be spoken," he mumbled, rubbing his hand on his leg. "There's a pain that goes on and on." He broke our eye contact and looked around the room. Tables had been tossed on their sides and chairs were broken and thrown around the room in a frantic manner. "Empty chairs at empty tables, now our friends are dead."

A tear fell from my eye as he spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper as he forced himself to talk.

"Here they talked of revolution. Here it was, they lit the flame."

His voice broke. I looked at the table we had sat at, imagining they were all here. I replayed every single moment in my head that we shared in this room.

"Here it was, they sang about tomorrow and tomorrow never came."

I stared at him, feeling numb and broken as the words left his lips. I could see her smiling in my head. I could see Gavroche talking with Grantaire. I could see Joly and Prouvaire deep in conversation as Courfeyrac and Combeferre cracked jokes behind them. Bahorel and Lesgles were each reading something, but would never reveal what. Each of them showed themselves to me, making the pain worse.

"From the table in the corner they could see a world reborn. They rose with voices ringing and I can hear them now."

More tears fell from my eyes as I leaned my head back on the wall, an echo of them all chanting ringing through my head.

"I can hear them now. The very words that they have sung became their last communion on this lonely barricade at dawn."

I held myself back from sobbing. I didn't want to. If I started I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Oh my friends, my friends," he mumbled, as I pushed myself up off the wall. "Forgive me, that I live and you are gone."

"There's a grief that can't be spoken and a pain that goes on and on," I whispered. I walked toward Marius and sat down in a chair next him, leaning my elbows onto my knees.

"Phantom faces at the window. Phantom shadows on the floor. Empty chairs at empty tables, where our friends will meet no more."

I broke. I cried silently, burying my face in my hands as the tears fell down my face like a river. My shoulders shook with the sobs as I was reminded that they were all gone. I'd never see anything of them again.

I'd never see her again.

"Oh my friends, don't ask me what your sacrifice was for," Marius cried, leaning back in his chair. I felt him put a hand on my back and I looked up at him. My face was tear stained and the tears were still falling as I looked at him. He mirrored me, his eyes were broken and sad.

He pulled me into a hug and I let out a soul shattering cry. My tears stained his jacket as I wrapped my arms around him. My entire body was shaking. I couldn't breathe. The pain was too deep. I could hear her voice in my ear. I could see her when I closed my eyes. She haunted me with her smile. The glare she would give me when we would argue.

My body ached for her. I longed to hold her again. Even to just see her again. I needed her. Without her there is no sun. There is nothing darkness and cold, sleepless nights filled with nightmares. There was nothing more to live for. She was everything and now she's gone. Forever.

Marius held onto me tightly, letting me sob into his shoulder. I don't even know how long I was there for, but I knew that I wanted to leave. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle this.

And yet I went anyway.