Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

thirty one

The year anniversary was the most painful day I'd ever experienced. Marius stood beside me inside the Café Musain. Cosette stood behind him silently.

It had been rebuilt and redone. The upstairs meeting place was once again filled with chairs and tables. Not many people came here but it looked like it did pre revolution.

I looked out the window at the street. A year ago it was stained with blood and scattered with bodies as we fought for our lives. At this hour everyone was dead.

Except us.

Marius put a hand on my shoulder and took a shaky breath.

"It's crazy what difference a year can make," he mumbled. I nodded.

Today was the day we finally buried them all. They finally were laid to rest in a small garden just beside the town. After that we walked here and it was feeling too heavy. Too real.

"I should've ended it," I said. Marius looked at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I should've stopped it. It's my fault they're all dead. I had the power to keep them alive and instead I let it continue."

The guilt had built up just standing here again. While I had mostly come to terms with the fact that they're gone, the pain of knowing I could've potentially  prevented their deaths grew.

"They wanted to be fighting Enjolras. You couldn't have stopped this from happening. Do not blame yourself," Marius said. I shook my head.

"I planned it."

"We helped. They all knew the risk.." he stopped, his voice cut off and he took a shaky breath in.

"What?" I asked, looking at him.

"I'm the reason she's gone. I pulled her into it. I'm so sorry, Enjolras. If I hadn't-"

"If you hadn't pulled her into it I would've never met her," I interrupted. He stared at me. "Marius, she was the best thing to have ever walked into my life. She knew what she was getting herself into. You say not to blame myself. So do not blame yourself."

He sighed and looked at me with sad eyes. She pulled me into a quick hug before walking back toward Cosette.

"I can't handle this anymore today. Can we go?" he mumbled. I followed behind him as Cosette nodded. We walked to the Toussaint's where I had been staying for a month. I had grown to hate being alone and Jean had thankfully let me stay with them.

I walked inside and smiled as Marius walked away with Cosette holding onto his arm.

.

Months had passed and nothing had gotten any easier. Constance turned twelve and she had broken down into a sobbing mess early in the morning. Jean talked her down from it and we went into the town to buy her gifts. It was a nice day but I could see she was hurting badly.

Cécile walked into the sitting room and dropped onto a chair.

"Constance has been nagging me all day to go outside with her," she groaned.

"And why don't you?" I asked, looking at her. She huffed and sat straight up.

"Oh I did. For an hour. She chased me around the garden like a demon."

I laughed and she shot me a look of disapproval. Then she cleared her throat and looked away from me.

"We're having a dinner for her birthday," she said. "Marius has already said he's coming with Cosette but Father wanted me to make sure you were okay? We don't have to do anything too big."

"Why wouldn't we?" I asked.

"It's been hard for everyone and Father doesn't want to make anything worse for anyone but we did nothing last year. He feels weird about it."

I blinked at her and tried to shove down the hurt that had surfaced when she mentioned her.

"I think we should absolutely do it," I said. She smiled and nodded, standing up from the chair.

"It's in a few days. It will be good for everyone, I think," she said. I nodded and she turned to walk out, her hands clasped behind her back. She turned the corner and disappeared behind the wall. I sighed and looked at the picture hanging on the wall. It was of the three sisters. They looked elegant. There was no hiding the fact that their mother arranged that photo.

They all looked miserable. Especially Hyacinth. I tried to look away from the photo but I didn't want to. One year since I had really looked at her. It was too long. I couldn't fathom going any more than that but I had to. It was an ongoing battle in my head. Every time I remembered her I was reminded that I had to learn to live without all this pain and emptiness.

I'd have to learn to cope with losing her. But I couldn't. Something held me back. It was like some unknown force that pulled me backward even if I tried to move forward.

Constance came running into the room, Cécile close behind her. The younger girl giggled loudly as she ran toward me and ducked down behind my chair. I met eyes with Cécile and shook my head. She rolled her eyes and bit back a smile as she walked toward where Constance hid.

"Alright you devil come on, I'll take you into town."

Constance jumped out and latched onto her sister with a grin.

"I knew I'd be able to break you," she said. Cécile peeled her off of her leg and held her by the shoulders.

"I can take it back."

"Can not. I'll tell Father."

I watched the two interact with each other with a faint smile. Cécile looked at me and held Constance at an arm's length away.

"Would you like to join us?" she asked. I sighed and looked away. "You can say no."

I looked back at them and then at Jean who had appeared again in the doorway.

"I think I'll stay here this time. Maybe another time."

The two girls nodded and Constance dragged Cécile toward the door with a loud laugh. I pushed myself up and walked toward their father who was smiling at his daughters as they ran past him.

"She talk to you?" he said. I nodded.

"She did. I think it's a good idea," I mumbled.

"It's going to be hard for us all. But we'll be together, we'll get through it." He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled.

"I know. When is it?"

The realization that we had never talked about birthdays in our time together was setting in. I didn't know her birthday. That much was becoming harder to ignore.

"September 7. We don't have long to prepare. It's only three days away but I think we'll be able to manage it," he said.

I looked at him. I could see all the emotions in his eyes. I wondered why they hadn't done anything last year. Was it too soon? Too fresh? Possibly.

All I knew was this wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be horribly painful and I was half dreading it. I just prayed no one else could see it.