Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

twenty four

After a moment, I let go of Marius and sat back in my chair. I stared at the wall silently. I could still feel tears in my eyes but I had calmed down a little.

That is, until Cosette came rushing up the stairs.

She took Marius' face in her hands and wiped a tear away with her thumb. The way she looked at him made everything in me ache. She smiled at him as he leaned into her hand quietly, his tears slowing down.

"Everyday you walk with stronger and longer step. The worst is over," she said. "Don't think about it, Marius. With all the years ahead of us I will never go away and we will be together."

I stood up abruptly and ran a hand through my hair, blocking out whatever else she had to say to him. I didn't want to hear it. Did I do something to deserve this pain? Was this some kind of sick punishment?

I heard them whisper to each other before footsteps walked down the stairs and out the door. I half expected Marius to be gone when I turned around, but he still stood there. I stared at him, trying not to let my emotions show to him. He was happy and in love—he deserved that—but so did I.

"Talk to me, Enjolras," he said. I huffed and turned away.

"About what?"

"I can see you're hurting. Just let me-"

"This isn't fair. Listen, I'm happy for you and glad to see you've finally found the girl you'd been chasing but.." I paused and looked over my shoulder. "But why do you get to keep love in your life? Why do you get to be happy and I had to watch the one person I've ever loved die? How is that fair, Marius?" My voice was well above my usual volume and I could feel the emotion bubbling.

He took a step toward me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I wish she was still here, too. That was the happiest I had ever seen both of you."

"No. I appreciate you trying to sympathize with me but you don't get it. Cosette is still here. She's outside waiting for you. You miss her? You can just go to her. I can't. I have to live with the fact that I will never ever see her again."

"She was my best friend, Enjolras."

"I was in love with her. She turned my entire world upside down. I never imagined myself falling in love but I wanted to marry her. I can't even look her in the eyes. It's not the same pain you feel."

"I get that-"

"Do you? You didn't see her die. You didn't see that man look at her with a sinister look in his eyes. You didn't see the blood, the pain in her eyes. You saw none of it. I did. I still see it. It will never go away."

"Enjolras," he said.

"Don't."

He pulled me toward him and for the second time in an hour, Marius hugged me.

I knew he missed her too. I knew he hurt, he grew up with her. But I know that's a different pain. We hurt in different ways. I felt guilty, he just missed her. I felt empty, he just missed her. Not the same.

I took a deep breath and he let go of me.

"I know I have no idea what you're feeling. But we are both grieving her. Don't tell yourself no one can help you. You have her family and you have me. We all lost the same person, Enjolras. All in different ways," he mumbled. I nodded at him and pulled the necklace out of my pocket, twisting the charm with my fingers.

We walked the streets for a while, looking at small stands and shops curiously. I made a silent vow that I'd never go to the Café Musain ever again. No matter how badly Marius wanted me to, I would never see that room again. I never wanted to see that street again.

Marius pulled a flower out of a basket and handed the man behind the stand some money before handing the flower to Cosette. I watched, trying not to seem too jealous of the two as she beamed at him. He smiled back and pulled her into his side. I turned away from them and my eyes caught where I had first seen her. She was with her sisters looking at dresses.

At the time, I figured she was a stuck up rich girl and couldn't even imagine Marius being friends with her. I thought she'd turn Marius away when she found out about the revolution. Then she showed up at the café the next day. She looked so different in the shop. I didn't even realize then how much she'd change me.

The shop owner sat with her chin in her hands, toying with a piece of string. She looked up at me and smiled warmly before turning to a book. I sighed and walked away from the shop, shoving my hands into my pockets. Marius was looking at me as I walked back up to him. He patted my shoulder and turned to walk with Cosette.

We kept a slow pace and no one questioned us. They all knew. Word of the so-called 'June Rebellion' spread like wildfire. Women gossiped about it. Men scolded us openly. And some looked sad. An old woman touched my arm as we walked, a sad smile on her lips. I shrugged her off and continued walking. These people had no right acting like this. They could've done more. They could've prevented the deaths of many. We might've had a chance.

Marius walked be back to my small house and paused outside the door as I opened it.

"Don't shut everyone out. Come to us if you need something," he said. I nodded and walked inside, pausing as the door closed behind me. The house was empty. I hated it.

She made me hate it.

I dropped onto the couch and sighed, rubbing my face with my hands. Everyday I found myself praying this was a dream. That the barricade hadn't happened yet and I could wake up and save everyone. But I knew this was real. I knew this was all happening. But even so, I still caught the thought in my head.

I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling. The silence was suffocating and it left me in my thoughts. It gave the horrific images an outlet to haunt me. Even with my eyes open it was there. The bodies, the blood, the gunshots.

I closed my eyes tight and took slow breaths, trying to think of my happiest moments.

My moments with her.