Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

twenty six

Having her picture only made me feel slightly less alone. I got to see her everyday again, but it obviously was not the same.

I walked away from Marius' house. I had finally convinced him he was done planning and it was all going to be great. Of course, he argued, but now we were done picking the things he needed.

All of his stress was about what he wanted on the empty seats for our friends. He liked Cosette's idea of candles but felt it wasn't enough. So, he had picked an individual thing for every single person which took him three weeks. I liked the idea but he was stressing himself out too much about it.

I opened the door and sighed loudly, taking my jacket off and dropping it onto the small table right next to the door. It was quiet like it always was and each day I had grown to hate it more and more. I didn't envision myself to be alone after the revolution. She was supposed to still be here.

Jean had invited me to go eat dinner with them and I happily accepted. If it meant I didn't have to be alone then it was worth it. Plus, her family was slowly becoming more and more like my family.

I was very grateful for that.

I had an hour before Jean told me to be at the house and nothing to do. I sat down and looked up at the ceiling. The silence was heavy on me as I tried to think of ways to pass time.

After a few minutes I decided to get up and walk around outside before going to the Toussaint's. The streets were thinning out and it was easier to navigate the stands when barely any people remained. I looked at nearly everything I could, trying to take up as much time as possible.

I turned around and my eyes fell on someone I had never wanted to see again. He was standing with his back against a wall, watching people walk past him with hurried steps. Surely they knew what he had done. I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him as he slowly turned his head toward me. We made eye contact and his eyes hardened immediately. We stared and tension quickly built as he took a step toward me. I held my breath and kept myself composed as he menacingly walked toward me.

Then a woman appeared.

Francine Toussaint.

She grabbed his arm and looked at me, a look of shock in her eyes as she realized what Anthony had been so focused on. She yanked him toward her and whispered something in his ear. He nodded and turned around, grabbing a flower from the stand next to him as he walked down the street with Francine close behind him. They looked like they had been hiding something. Like they had a secret that they didn't want to slip. The way they held onto each other made me uncomfortable and I'm sure if anyone else had been paying attention they'd have felt the same way.

I decided to start walking to the Toussaint's. I just wanted to get away from the street. Too many people and it had begun to mess with me. I swear I saw her in at least four different spots and I saw Gavroche twice. But they weren't ever really there.

I walked up the path and tried to make my steps quick. The temperature had dropped significantly and I started to feel the cold the more I walked. When I reached the door, someone pulled it open immediately and I didn't even need to knock. I walked inside and felt the heat from the fireplace wafting over to me. I sighed and turned to face Cécile. She wore the dress Marius had bought that first day I saw them and just stared at me.

Jean walked down the stairs and smiled, though it seemed forced. I watched him as he took slow strides toward me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and took a deep breath.

"Francine has returned with Anthony," he said.

"I know, I saw them in the town," I responded, looking over at Cécile.

"They had news." His voice was dull and he had a grim look in his eye. I dreaded this news that had been brought to him. I snapped my eyes to him and furrowed my eyebrows. "They cannot find her body."

My face dropped and I felt my soul break into pieces.

"It's been months," I said.

"Apparently they've been looking for months," Cécile said. "Though they didn't seem too distressed about it."

"Of course they weren't, he's the one who did it!" I said, my voice raising in volume.

"They're still looking. It's possible she was taken with some of the others and separated," Jean said. He patted my shoulder and stared at me. I nodded and tried to make myself calm.

They had been hiding something. Did they know where her body was? Were they keeping it? What had they done to her?

Cécile and Jean led me to the dining room. I sat down next to Constance. She smiled at me and I forced one back.

I could barely think. Something didn't feel right. I needed to find her. But where to look? Would finding her body make this pain worse? Would it worsen the guilt that weighs me down more and more everyday that I'm alive?

Food was brought out and we ate. There was barely any conversation and Constance had tried to remedy that, but no one was in the mood to speak. I made small conversations with her and tried to make it seem as if I was fine. But that was proven difficult.

We finished and I just wanted to leave. I couldn't look at them anymore. I could feel the pain radiating off of them as they tried to pretend it was all okay and normal. I knew it wasn't. I thanked them for inviting me over and walked out the door, pulling my jacket closer to my body. I could go to Marius. He'd let me in. But Cosette would be there, and I knew I couldn't handle it tonight.

I walked as quickly as I could to my house, keeping my head down and my hands clasped around the edges of my jacket. My mind raced as my street came into view. I badly wanted to see her standing there, waiting for me. Her shadow on the door as I approached.

But it would never happen.

I wanted to go back to the night she came to me and do it all over again. Make sure she didn't go to the barricade. Take my time to convince her she should stay back. But I knew not even that would have worked. There is no possible way this could have been prevented and that's what hurt the most.

It was out of my control entirely.

She wouldn't have let me call it all off. Would've told me off and taken it over herself. No choices I could've made would have stopped her from losing her life. It was fated. It killed me to think about but it was true.

Now all I could do was learn to live without her.