Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

twenty nine

It had been a week since Marius and Cosette had married. I had been at the Toussaint's more often than ever now and they didn't even question me. They just let me in every morning.

I sat in my bed and stared at the wall blankly. I couldn't sleep. Something was keeping me up and I couldn't figure it out. It was like a sick feeling that something bad was happening. It felt too similar to the sinking feeling I had the moment I found out we were the only barricade left.

I took slow breaths and tried to make myself tired. Nothing was working. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes hoping I'd eventually fall asleep. But after an hour, I was still awake. I looked over at the picture of Hyacinth and sighed loudly. I hated this. I didn't understand how I was just supposed to keep moving forward after what happened.

It had been almost a year. I needed to move forward, I knew that. But I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to take the steps forward. I stayed in place with my grief and watched silently as those around me moved on. It was out of my control completely and it was horrible.

I laid down, forcing myself to sleep. I was fed up and just wanted to make time go faster. So I pulled the blanket over my head and squeezed my eyes shut, praying I'd fall asleep at some point.

.

I woke up, my head pounding and my body aching. I felt like I hadn't moved in centuries. I squinted at the room around me. It was unfamiliar and cold. I had a thin blanket around me and a small pillow under my head. I tried to move my arm but I couldn't. I felt weak.

I glanced down. On my arm was a scar and my eyes widened in shock. I took a deep breath and looked to the side. I pushed myself up, wincing at the sudden movement. My feet hit the cold floor and I stood, barely being able to keep myself upright.

I took a step and then another, reaching the door. When I pulled on it, it was locked. I held myself up with a hand on the wall and looked at myself in the mirror beside the door. I looked rough. I ran a hand over my stomach and felt no pain. I furrowed my eyebrows and lifted up the white shirt I had been put in.

No bruises.

I was just about to bang on the door when a woman walked in through a second door. The bowl she was holding fell to the ground with a loud thud and her eyes widened. I met her gaze and felt myself lose balance.

She rushed over to me and grabbed onto me, keeping me up.

"Hyacinth?"

.

I spent most of my time with the Toussaint's since Marius was out with Cosette for a month. I sat in their sitting room with Constance. She was scribbling onto a paper and had barely spoken to me since I arrived. Jean had asked me to watch her and make sure she didn't leave the house.

The 11 year old had gotten pretty bold and had tried to sneak out into the town by herself several times. This had Jean and Cécile on high alert all hours of the day.

I sighed and leaned back into the chair I was sitting in, staring out the large window that faced a small garden. Birds flew past in the evening sky and the wind blew softly against the flowers. It was peaceful.

I let my mind wander as the sound of Constance humming to herself filled the room. I pictured what life would have been like if we had won. If the revolution had gone the way we wanted it to. She was there, smiling and laughing. Marius was joking with her as Cosette sat watching from a small bench. She turned her head and I imagined looking into her eyes. My heart jumped and I felt all that emptiness vanish.

It felt real.

I blinked and she was gone. My face fell and I looked back at Constance. She held up her paper and studied it. She had nice handwriting. It looked like Hyacinth's. No doubt she had taught her sister how to write. I stood up and walked over to her, leaning over her shoulder.

"What have you been working on?" I asked. She turned to me and shoved the paper close to her chest.

"Just.." she paused. "Just what life would be like if she was still here. I don't know, it's dumb." She frowned and began to crumble the paper up. I grabbed onto her wrist, stopping her.

"It's not dumb."

"It's not?" She looked like her. It was clear they were siblings and she shared that fiery look in her eye.

"No," I said. "What have you come up with?" I sat down on the couch behind where she sat as she turned to face me. She sat on her knees on the floor, her dress pooling around her legs. She took a deep breath and looked down at her paper, smiling.

"Well, you guys got married. You know she told me about you?" Constance looked up at me and grinned.

"Did she?"

"She did. The last time I saw her she rambled about you," she smirked. I chuckled and shook my head, motioning at her to keep going.

"Um, oh! You guys are going to have a child. Father was apprehensive about it but now he's excited. Marius and Cosette are really close with us and Cosette loves Hyacinth. They're basically best friends, which Marius is jealous of. You guys live in a cute house just outside of town. All of your friends and father got together to build it. It was a surprise for Hyacinth. She loved it."

I listened to everything Constance had to say. I felt my eyes water as she began to get choked up on her own imagination.

"I like to stay with you sometimes," she sniffled. "I don't like her being away for super long." She wiped the few tears that had fallen down her face. I could see her hands shaking lightly as she held onto the paper. She looked up at me and her eyes were red. "That's all I have."

I patted the seat next to me and she sat down, playing with her dress as she calmed herself down.

"Do you miss her?" she asked. I looked over at her.

"What?"

"Do you miss her? I feel like everyone is moving on and I'm stuck."

"Of course I miss her," I said. I debated on asking her more, but I could see she didn't have a place to talk about this all. She'd barely spoken since Marius and I broke the news.

"What do you mean you're stuck?"

She sighed and looked down at her feet.

"I just feel like I can't move on. I feel like I can't go onward anymore. Even when she left home to be with you guys I was stuck. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm helpless. She's been there for me my entire life. Talked to me, played with me, took me out to the town. Now she's just gone. The last time I saw her was when I freed her from her prison. That was the last time I hugged her. I feel kind of empty. My mind is blank most of the time and I just want my sister back."

I could tell she was crying. I pulled her into my side and she cried harder. I hadn't even stopped to think about how hard this was for her. I didn't realize how hard this would hit a girl as young as her. I felt a year slide down my own face as I held onto Constance.

She sat up straight and looked at me with puffy eyes. I gave her a small smile and she forced herself to return it. I could feel her pain. I knew the feeling she described. I hated the fact that she thought everyone else had moved on and left her alone.

"Is this going to get easier?" she mumbled.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "But we can get through this."

"Can we?"

I paused. Jean stood in the doorway with a smile on his face. I looked at him for a second before looking back at Constance.

"We can."