Beyond The Barricade | les misérables

twenty two

My eyes opened to the nearly destroyed Café Musain. My leg ached as I pushed myself off the ground. My eyes went immediately to the last place she was. I prayed I had imagined it and she was there, waiting for me.

But she wasn't.

I felt the tears sting my eyes as I forced myself to my feet, stumbling as I looked down at my bleeding leg.

He had shot me and left me without her. I fell to the ground and looked at my hands. The tears fell quickly down my face as I took shaky breaths. I replayed what he had done to her over and over in my head. I yelled out, catching my head in my hands as my sobs became more violent.

"You promised," I choked out, placing a hand on the ground for stability. She was gone. I would never be able to see her again.

I heard hurried footsteps climb toward me and felt an arm wrap around me. For a second I thought it was her. But when I looked at their eyes, I realized I'd never see her eyes again. The last time I was able to look in her beautiful eyes they were filled with fear and pain and agony.

I screamed, the person pulling me into their side. I gasped for air as I cried.

The woman pulled me down the stairs outside and laid me down, calling over a few other people.

"We're going to take you to the hospital," the woman said, placing a hand on my arm.

I had nothing to live for.

"Leave me to die," I pleaded to her. She gave me a sympathetic smile before nodding to the others as they lifted me on a table.

I blacked out and woke up in a hospital bed. I stared at the ceiling, trying to forget the events. But it was impossible. I couldn't forget her.

I felt someone touch my bed and I looked over, meeting eyes with Marius. He looked at me with a sad expression and hung his head low.

"Are we..?" I asked, not wanting to finish the question in fear of the answer.

Marius just nodded in silence. I felt my heart shatter and I looked down at the pin on my jacket. I pulled it off and stared down at it as it sat in my palm. I closed my fingers over it and squeezed my eyes shut. It felt like the world had stopped moving. We accomplished nothing. Nothing at all. All our planning, the rallies, the determination. It was all for nothing.

"It's been a couple days. You've been allowed to leave whenever you're ready," Marius said to me. I sat up straight and stared at him. He nodded and helped me up, holding my arm over his shoulder. He had healed better than I had and only walked with a small limp. I winced at the pain as we walked together.

The sun was bright in the sky. Everyone went on with their lives as if nothing had happened. How could they pretend everything was okay? I just lost everything and they don't even care. They turned toward us as we passed, giving us sad looks. I didn't want their sympathy. I want her back.

I looked down at the ground, following Marius' steps as he kept me upright. I tried not to think. If I thought, it all happened again. If I let myself slip into my own mind, I'd lose her all over again.

The pathway changed as we walked and I looked up, my eyes landing on her house. My breath caught in my throat as Marius kept walking.

"What are we-"

"They don't know. We're the only ones left to tell them," he said, his voice breaking slightly. I stared at the windows, two shadows standing there and rushing off when we had approached.

Her sisters opened the door, their father standing back farther. Their faces fell as they saw us and when I met eyes with her father, I could see his heart break.

"Marius?" the older one said, a hint of worry in her voice as they let us inside the house. Marius sat me down and then looked around, an urgency in his gazes.

"She isn't here, Marius. She went to meet with the guard," Monsieur Toussaint said, placing a hand on his shoulder. Marius sighed and looked at me, urging me to speak.

The younger girl sat beside me, staring at me as I fidgeted with the sleeves of my coat. Her father stared at me and it was like he could read my mind.

She's dead.

He killed her.

I couldn't get it out. The words kept catching in my mouth. I looked away from her father as both sisters stared at me.

"Is Hyacinth coming too?" the youngest asked. That's when I broke. The tears came again and didn't stop falling. Her father walked to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Constance," Marius said, sitting in a chair in front of her. "Hyacinth isn't coming back." His voice broke as he spoke to her, a hand on her knee.

I broke down even more.

"Of course she is. She wouldn't leave," the girl said.

"Constance," the other sister said sternly. "She's dead."

Marius hung his head low as Constance's face dropped.

"That's not funny, Cécile."

"You're right. It's not. But I'm not joking. She's gone."

The younger girl began to cry. Marius pulled her into a hug as Cécile turned away, her hands on her hips. I watched her as her shoulders tensed and she took very slow breaths. It hurt even more to see her family like this. The ones who cared for her. Who wanted to see her live a better life than she was given. Her father looked shattered as he heard his youngest child cry into Marius' shoulder.

He sat beside me and looked at me, his hand still firm on my shoulder.

"It meant everything to her to be there with you all," he said. His eyes shot over to Marius then back to me. "She'd talked about fighting for freedoms most of her life. She'd have rather been there than anywhere else."

I sighed and looked into his eyes.

"Do you think she'd still have done it if she knew the outcome?" I asked.

"Yes. I do."

I stared at him blankly. I felt like I had no more emotions left in my body. It was all numb. Empty. Cold.

"You loved her?" he said blatantly. Cécile turned toward me and put her hands at her sides. I looked away, feeling the multiple gazes locked on me waiting for an answer.

"I did," I answered, barely able to speak anymore. He sighed and looked down at the floor.

"Come with me."

He helped me up and walked with me up the stairs and into a fairly large room. I looked around as her father grew more tense as we walked inside. She patted my back and loosened his hold on me slightly. I kept myself up with any strength I could muster.

"There's small trinkets over there," he pointed at a desk. "Take a few. Only the small things or her mother will notice and be on all of us about it."

I looked at the desk and felt my heart break all over again. I slowly stumbled my way to the desk and placed my hands on the top. I grabbed anything that I thought could remotely remind me of her. Necklaces, bracelets, anything.

I stuffed them into my pocket and turned to him.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"It's not a problem," he said. "Please know that you can always come here. I will never turn you away." He smiled at me as Marius rounded the corner into the room. He looked at me and I nodded as he wrapped his arm around me and helped me out the front door.

We walked farther and farther away from the house. My chest felt heavier as I left her family behind to grieve. It was like a heavy guilt that I couldn't shake. She stayed for me. If we hadn't gotten so close she'd be alive and well. If we hadn't fallen in love she'd be okay.

I'm the reason she died. It should have been me. It was supposed to be me.

She always had to be better than me at everything.